Attack of the Monsters

By Richard Romano

Gammera the Invincible was the debut film in the somewhat popular Gamera giant flying turtle movie series, the Daiei Motion Picture Company’s attempt at a Godzilla knockoff. Like Godzilla, Gamera quickly became a more or less benevolent beast and—as we are told ad nauseam in these movies—he is a “friend to children.” That usually means that Gamera is there to come to the rescue of dumb and irresponsible children who have gotten themselves in some sort of life-threatening jam. Kind of like a large, reptilian version of the Department of the Treasury (well, only slightly more reptilian). The dumb and irresponsible children are Wall Street and other financial institutions, Gamera is Tim Geithner, and the American people are Tokyo, inevitably getting demolished in the process. Yes, the Gamera movies are a metaphor for our times.

At any rate, the generically named Attack of the Monsters was the fifth Gamera movie and is easily the worst and silliest, which is saying something. The “villain” is Guiron, a vaguely dog-like lizard thing whose head is a giant knife. It could have been the official mascot for those old Ginsu knife commercials. (“In Japan, the face can be used as a knife.”) Attack of the Monsters definitely goes straight for the juvenile audience, and seems like it is meant to appeal to kids, albeit psychotic ones, as the unexpurgated version of the movie features some rather gruesome scenes of monsters getting sliced open, dripping green and purple blood, and getting limbs and heads chopped off. When you have a monster that is basically a meat cleaver with legs and eyes, you’re gonna get that kind of thing. The dialogue is very very badly written (or at least the American dialogue is, which often sounds like the original Japanese script had been automatically translated by Google), the dubbing is pretty atrocious, and the creature effects are worse than you usually find in these “guy in rubber suit” movies. The “physics” of how the monsters move makes the Star Wars movies seem downright classically Newtonian.

As with other movies in the Gamera series, there are a couple of versions floating around; the Sandy Frank version, better known as Gamera vs. Guiron to MST3K fans, features far worse dubbing (if you can believe such a thing); the American International version that was included in my science-fiction box set has some different footage and also removes almost all the rather extreme Guiron vs. Gyaos slice-and-dice scenes. Attack of the Monsters also does not include the catchy Gamera theme song, famously rewritten by the MST3K folks as “Gamera is really neat/He is filled with turtle meat...” (which was even cited by the band Rush in the liner notes to their Counterparts album). One of the kids is played by Christopher Murphy, and is credited in the American International version as Chrystopher Murphy, obviously hoping to appeal to people who speak Middle English, as I’m sure there are many Chaucer scholars who watch these movies. (Either way, according to IMDb, he never did anything else film-related.)

The movie opens on slide show of space pictures, perhaps a precursor to the Astronomy Picture of the Day, and a narrator (yep, there is always a narrator in these things!) tells us that “There are 100 billion fixed stars in galactic space.” The rest are all still being repaired. “There are also three billion nebulas and macrocosm and each one is as big as galactic space.” Uh oh, someone started drinking early. “Old stars explode and scatter as gas.” Which is how Marlon Brando died, by the way. “And new stars are formed from the gas.” That certainly explains today’s Hollywood. “What secrets are hidden in these countless stars?” Read the book. “A star is in trouble!” and we immediately cut to the titles and majestic, atonal fanfare. A star is in trouble this week on Hollywood 911. Want to bet it’s Lindsay Lohan?

Under the titles we see close-ups of gravy cooking. It looks delicious. That's how I like my titles—smothered in pork gravy. Oh, I see, it’s lava. Lava? Produced by Hidemasa Inagata-da-Vida.

The titles over, we cut to still photos of an observatory, while we hear DJ Funky Fuji scratching a record on the soundtrack. Says the narrator, “All astronomical observatories catch waves.” They’re regular surfin’ safaris, they are.

“Irregular waves that might have been sent from outer space.” Astronomical observatories detecting things from space? No!

Inside, a white-coated scientisty-looking guy is giving a press conference while playing back tapes of the “waves” they have received. “We do not know if they are messages from outer space,” he says. “Any questions?” Yes—what do you think about A-Rod’s steroid use? One of the reporters calls him “Dr. Shia.” I guess he doesn’t have a very Sunni disposition. The reporter asks if these were the same electromagnetic waves that were picked up in England. Well, no, because they were picked up in Japan. Dr. Shia explains that those waves were much different than the ones they are now getting. Those waves drove on the other side of the road and spelled color and flavor with a “u.” These new waves are also closer. “Could these waves be humans living on this planet?” Where did they get this press corps?

Dr. Shia asks an assistant to “start this.” Apparently the movie was filmed in widescreen, then poorly chopped down to 4:3 because Dr. Shia keeps gesturing to something out of the frame. He goes on to explain how the Moon, Mars, Venus, and Jupiter have no moisture or air. “Saturn, the same, no air. The conclusion, no advanced vertebrates exist there.” What about unadvanced invertebrates? “What is the meaning of the waves, would you say?” asks another reporter, trying to get Dr. Shia back on to something vaguely relevant. “Well, let’s see,” he says. Hoo boy. Hunker down. “Let’s assume they came to us from Proxima Centauri, the star closest to Earth.” But you just said that they didn’t, that they came from somewhere close. “We have today the spaceship we call the Apollo.” We do? Dr. Shia—Live at the Apollo! “If we were to go to Centauri, do you know how long it would take us?” Longer than your explanation? There is random mumbling, and Dr. Shia looks around smugly. “One million years,” he says. Everyone is shocked. They’re reporters covering astronomy and they didn’t realize that space is big? Jeesh, and I thought the White House Press Corps were all lame. “So you see what this means,” continues Dr. Shia, “even if we receive an invitation from a spaceman, unless they pay us a visit, I’m afraid we’ll never be able to get together,” Ha ha ha.

So all that came out of this press conference, which was supposed about the weird waves they have been receiving, was that vertebrates don't live on Saturn and we can’t hook up with anyone on Proxima Centauri. Okay. That was helpful. Thanks, Doc.

Cut to the bedroom of 10-year-old Akio, who oddly has a picture of Dr. Shia on his wall. Is it some sort of religious adoration? Oh, I see, it’s just one of several space-related newspaper clippings. Akio, his American friend Tom, and sister Tomoko areon the porch looking up at the sky through a telescope. Akio sees something weird. It turns out to be a spaceship. “That’s keen,” says Tom. Tomoko wants to look. “You’re too young,” says Akio, even though she looks like she's about 40. The ship came down across the river and in the woods (near grandmother’s house?). They decide to go look for it. “I’ll bet it’s in the vacant lot where we play.” That certainly was convenient of it.

And, sure enough, we see the ship land...after they had already said that it landed.

As they are getting their coats on, Akio’s mother calls, and Tomoko says it’s too late “and you’ll get scolded again.” Mother enters the room and is surprised that they are not studying. Akio tells her they saw a spaceship. “You must have imagined it. It’s not good for children to stay up late.” Akio launches into some kind of explanation; “Signals come from out of the stars constantly. So if we’re receiving signals systematically, it could mean there are space creatures.” What? On the other hand, it is more cogent than what Dr. Shia was on about. That’s why they are up late stargazing; they want to find the star that is sending out the signals. “They could be quite intelligent. Think of it, no wars on their planet. No traffic accidents.” Traffic accidents? Wars, traffic accidents. It’s a fine line. Actually, few people realize that George Lucas had wanted to call his movie Star Traffic Accidents but 20th Century Fox made him retitle it.

“More of your imagination,” says his mother. “Now behave or I’ll take away your telescope.” “Gee,” says Akio, “grown ups spoil a dream.” You got that right, kid. Get used to it. Mother seals up the room. Now there’s no escape. “All right, no more foolishness. Go to bed now.” She leaves. “At dawn,” says Akio, and Tom agrees.

And then it’s dawn, and cloying whimsical music plays as the three of them bicycle through town. They stop in front of a house. “What is it?” asks Tomoko. “A spaceman?” “Idiot,” says Akio. Hey, that’s a bit harsh. “It’s worse than a spaceman.” It is a noodly guy with nerdy black glasses flailing around with a martial arts dragon pole. It’s a pre-YouTube version of the Star Wars Kid. “I’ll attend to it,” says Tom. Huh? Tom rides by on his bike and pulls out a plastic gun that shoots suction cup darts. The dart hits a towel that was draped across a bicycle seat, carries the towel about 20 feet, and pins it to the wall about six feet up. Those are some mighty powerful suction cup dart guns they’ve got in Japan!

The weird guy looks around for his towel and finds it on the wall. He examines the suction cup dart. Wah wah wah. He stops the kids in the street. “Hi, Kondo,” says Tomoko. “Idiot,” says Akio. Hey! “Don’t say ‘Hi, Kondo,’” says Akio. “Say ‘Good day, Officer.’” He’s an officer? Of what exactly? Who would gve him any kind of authority? Akio says that they are in a hurry. “In a hurry, at this time of day?” Do they have set times for being in a hurry in Japan? They tell Kondo that they are looking for a spaceship that landed. Kondo is not buying it. He then threatens to shave their heads. It’s a weird authority he’s got. Is he the hair police?

And the kids go off into the woods. The cloying Mr. Rogers-like music will just not stop. It is getting rather maddening. They hear a rustling in the bushes, and are briefly terrified...until it turns out to be a rabbit. Tomoko suggests they catch it. “You idiot,” says Akio. Hey! Where’s Night of the Lepus when you need it?

They split up, and Tomoko shouts that she has found something. She has to go out of her way to point to a giant spaceship is that directly in front of them. Finally, Akio sees it. They run down to it and decide to go inside. Tomoko is scared; Akio scolds her. “The spacemen won’t hurt you. If they flew here, they’re civilized. You’re dumb.” Jeesh. Akio and Tom walk into the ship, and call out to whoever may be inside. “You’re the idiot,” yells Tomoko. Right on! “Do you think the spacemen will understand what you say? Really? Are you kidding?” Akio scoffs. “They’ll understand.” Well argued! As they go further inside, they discover no one is there. “I guess the crew’s out.” “This is keen!”

They sit in the pilots’ seats and start pressing buttons. The door closes and the ship starts moving. Outside, Tomoko calls out to a matte shot of the ship taking off. “You get out of there or later on you’ll get a scolding! And you won’t get any dinner at all!” Yeah, well, knowing his loving and giving mother, dinner is probably a thin gruel anyway. So no great loss. And the ship takes off into the sky.

Inside, they try to figure out how to stop it. “Can it be controlled?” Akio awkwardly asks. They briefly try to blame each other for their predicament, and then discover they are in space. “Funny there’s no weightlessness in here,” says Akio. “This ship is out of the ordinary.” Well, yeah, and on so many levels. They see meteors on strings coming toward them. “It’s terrible, it’s heading right for us!” They attempt to steer the ship but are unable.

And what do they suddenly hear through the vacuum of space and the metal hull of the ship? That sound—a combination of a cat in heat and bagpipes—can only be one thing: Gamera! And sure enough, our beshelled friend appears zipping through space. “Good for you, Gamera! Help us, Gamera!” Gamera head-butts the meteor, and it splits in two and the two halves fly away. Whew! They shout out their thanks to Gamera. “Gamera’s racing us,” says Akio. “I’m not scared now. We’re in good hands,” says Tom,. “Gamera has always been the children’s friend.” Well, except for the time he knocked Toshio off the lighthouse in the first movie. But aside from that... “He’s really speeding up,” says Tom, “Mach 3, I think.” “No, it’s kind of deceptive out there,” says Akio. “See Gamera’s great jets? Mach 33 is what I would say.” Ah. “Really? I didn’t realize it,” says Tom. “At Mach 60 he’d leave the Solar System, I bet you.” Ah. A regular symposium on Gamera they're holding there. Is there a panel discussion scheduled for later?

They race for a while and the ship pulls ahead. Gamera zips past and tries to stop the ship, but it cleverly eludes him by moving to the left. The ship speeds off, leaving Gamera alone and spinning. They call to Gamera, who wisely ignores them.

Back on Earth, Tomoko runs home and frantically calls for her mother, who is sweeping the driveway. “Such a loud voice,” says Mother, obviously attuned to the well-being of her daughter. Tomoko tries to tell her mother that Akio and Tom took off in a spaceship. Mother is not buying it. “You’re just as silly as they are.” Tomoko keeps at it, Mother is still not having any of it. “I want you to be good and study, or you won’t get into a good school.” Wow. That’s a harsh card to play. Tomoko is downcast. She walks sadly out onto the terrace and gazes up at the sky. “Poor boys. I wonder where they are now.” She walks over to the telescope and tries to find them. She is unsuccessful. She decides immediately to try to break up The Beatles.

We cut to an alien landscape. Wind blows across several domed structures connected by tubes. Well, models, anyway. The spaceship is crashed nearby. Inside, Akio and Tom are unconscious, and Akio’s hand is on Tom’s groin. Hey, hey, hey! Stop that! Akio regains consciousness, and tries to revive Tom by performing CPR on his groin. Well, it’s one way to wake him up, I suppose. Akio points out that the air is like that of Earth, “So we don’t need any spacesuits.” “Are we back on Earth, do you think?” asks Tom. “Maybe. Let’s go out and look.” And they do.

“Akio, we’re not on Earth.” “That’s obvious, I’d say.” Tom suggests that it is Mars or Venus. “No, they don’t have any air. So I’d say this is a distant star.” He means “planet.” “There are stars [sic] in the galaxy just like Earth. So I guess we found ourselves a new star [sic].” “Don’t forget,” cautions Akio, “we were brought here by remote control. So let’s be careful.” Sure, now they’re going to be careful.

They hear a laser and then an explosion, and they take cover. In the sky, a Delta flight whizzes past. Oh, wait, that’s actually the creature known as Gyaos from another Gamera movie (Gamera vs. Gyaos or Return of the Giant Monsters, depending which version you’re talking about). Gyaos has a large triangular head, a poorly articulated jaw, and large batwings. Kind of like a Peter Gabriel stage costume circa 1973. He shoots a yellow laser out of his mouth. Gyaos, I mean. Akio points out that this Gyaos is actually a different color than the Gyaos they knew. Gyaos lands and starts launching into his one-monster show, Gyaos Gyaos Gyaos, and destroying rocks and buildings with his mouth laser. Gyaos is very theatrical about it, and does seem to be enjoying himself. It’s good to like what you do.

The kids notice that the water in a nearby stream starts running backward, then flows out. The streambed splits open and...here he comes...you’ve never seen a monster as goofy as this one. Guiron is its name and it clambers out of the ditch. Its head is essentially a giant knife. It lumbers out after Gyaos. Gyaos spits its laser at Guiron, but the beam simply bounces off Guiron’s nose knife and severs Gyaos’ leg. Oops! Isn’t that what they say happens if you bring a gun to a knife fight? Gyaos hops around for a bit. Guiron, his job done, returns to his ditch.

In the Sandy Frank version of this movie, the Guiron vs. Gyaos scene goes on much longer and is much more grisly as Guiron slices Gyaos’ torso into thick Gyaos steaks and then shears off Gyaos’s head, which flops about on the ground for a while. There is no shortage of purplish blood and, interestingly, we learn a bit about the internal morphology of Gyaos’ species: they have no organs; their insides are just a solid purple mass. And you know what? After slicing Gyaos the space monster into lunch meat, Guiron can still cut a tomato perfectly! Now how much would you pay?

Here, we just get a simple leg-severing. Thankfully.

Gun to a Knife Fight

Anyway, after witnessing this carnage, Akio and Tom are pretty blasé. They see Guiron lumbering in their direction, and run toward a pyramidal structure.

There is a plinking noise and the boys are deep-fried. Oh, I see, that’s not some kind of breading and hot oil mixture but rather a transporter beam. They beam away to a similar structure some distance away. Unfortunately, it is right in front of Guiron, so they frantically try to beam back. Which they do. And then they watch Guiron return to his ditch. The ground closes over him and the water returns. “What’s going on?” asks Tom. “I don’t know, but from what I saw, we’re on a highly civilized star [sic].” Highly civilized? If a giant knife creature is the pinnacle of civilization, sure, I guess. Oh, I see, they’re referring to the transporter thingamabobs. Funny, I’d be dwelling more on the giant knife creature. “Let’s go investigate some more!”

They walk into a shed-like building and descend some stairs and find themselves in a long, dark corridor. They hear what sounds like someone gargling in the distance. “Somebody’s here, I bet. Call!” orders Akio. Tom walks a few paces down the hall and says, “Hello? Answer, are you there?” Akio comes up to him. “Idiot. They won’t understand our language.” Hey! And you told him to call. Idiot. “What if goblins come out?” asks Tom. Goblins? “Don’t you worry,” says Akio. Tom steps on a platform and it immediately starts moving. “Akio! This is scary!” It’s just a moving hallway. This kid was cool with giant knife creatures and instant transportation, but a moving platform freaks him out? Akio points out that it’s just a moving corridor, and they get on and ride down the hallway.

Some sort of camera-like device emerges from the ceiling and watches them. I will hand it to that place; it’s a smart building. The lights in various parts of the hallway only go on when they pass them. Of course why they need the lights at all is a good question...

They are being watched, it turns out, by two creatures whose language is really just a sped up tape. Their faces are completely hidden, save for two glowing yellow eyes. Eyes without a face got no human grace...

Akio and Tom come to the end of the corridor and enter a large hanger-like room festooned with pipes and glass tubes. Many of tubes feed into a large rotating glass orb in the center of the room. That must be their Internet, which is just a bunch of tubes after all. “It’s wonderful,” says Akio. "This must be the control center.” Or a futuristic boiler room.

There is a transporter thingie in the room, and in beam two space babes wearing lavender tights, hats made from discarded basketballs, and of course festive capes. All aliens have to wear capes. It’s a law. Akio asks, “Where are we now?” They same place you were a second ago. Wisely, the two women ignore him and fiddle with some knobs on a control panel. “Can’t you tell us your identity?” Tom asks them. They look at him oddly. Well, it was a strange line. They babble in their sped-up-tape language. Akio smugly points out that he said they wouldn’t speak their language.

They fiddle some more, then one of the women says, “Greetings. We waited for you.” Says Akio, “So then you do understand our Earth language.” People on Earth can barely understand whatever language they are speaking. “Of course. This speaking machine telepathically translates all languages.” Unfortunately the technology is based on Google’s “Translate this page” feature so it’s kind of hit or miss. “Oh, boy!” says Akio, “science has advanced here much more than on Earth.” But not much more. They ask where they are. “The star [sic!] we are on we call Terra and the star [sic!!] is exactly like the Earth and has the same atmosphere. Our star [sic!!!] is situated exactly on the other side of the Sun from your Earth.” How Terrafying. Akio explains that with the Sun between then, no one on Earth ever saw Terra before. “This is a great discovery,” says Tom. Akio then feels the need to name all the planets in no particular order, adding Terra as number 10. Well, 9 if you discount Pluto.

They hear a noise, and they turn on the viewscreen. It’s Gyaos again. “It’s a nuisance,” says one of the alien women. “Open the pit.” Akio says, “Young lady, your name is Barbella?” Young lady? She’s old enough to be his mother. “Yes,” she responds, “Its translation is ‘sweet as a little bird’” and not “1968 Jane Fonda-alien-sex movie” (or even “woman with beard”). Says the other women, “And my name is Floban.” Floban? It sounds like some kind of anti-diuretic medication. “Have to go constantly? Ask your doctor about Floban.” Actually, it means, she tells us, “pretty as a flower.” That’s “flower” as in rose or daisy, not “flower” as in “something that flows.” Thankfully.

Speaking of flowing, Tom points out that on the screen, the water in the ditch is flowing backwards. “We control the laws of nature with our science,” says Barbella. “You’re quite superior,” says Akio. Not dressed like that they’re not. Akio says, “I knew somewhere there should be a star [sicIIII], highly intelligent, that had no wars or accidents.” Does he mean traffic accidents, or just accidents in general? And either way...huh?

They watch Guiron come out of his ditch. The women explain that he is their watchdog. Akio says, “I don’t understand why you have such monsters. You’re so advanced and all.” Barbella walks thoughtfully across the room. Uh, oh. I sense a speech coming on. “You were right. Ours was truly an advanced society.” And by the looks of things, the pinnacle of their technology is large, rotating spaghetti strainers. “We got to the point where we could control the laws of nature by advanced electronics.” They had developed an iPhone app for it and everything. “But then, a mixed-up computer brought calamity.” Doesn't it always! “We found to our regret that it made uncontrollable monsters as well.” It’s probably a bit obvious to make a Microsoft joke here... “We attempted to send out some signals, hoping someone would hear us.” Akio points out that those were the waves that Dr. Shiga had picked up at the beginning of the movie. Wait...now his name is Dr. Shiga? It turns out that the rest of Terra’s population tried to escape on a spaceship, but failed and only Barbella and Floban are left. As if that weren’t bad enough, the planet is getting colder and older, and glaciers have formed in just five hours. Kind of like Syracuse. Oh, and they're also out of paper towels. It's a bad day for Terran civilization.

They had sent out a probe ship, which is how Akio and Tom got there.

Barbella and Floban say something wordlessly to each other. So they’re plotting something.

They turn the knob on the screen, and point out what used to be a great city. “It’s the home of monsters now.” Like Detroit.

“Can’t we go back to Earth right away?” asks Akio. “You’ll be welcomed there.” Of that I have no doubt. Barbella says they have to check the flying saucer. “Aren’t we lucky,” says Tom. In what way?

Barbella and Floban have some more silent words with each other, and Akio mentions that Gamera is probably looking for them. That catches the women’s attention, and they look at each other uneasily. Maybe one of them used to date Gamera, and it would be awkward if he showed up.

“Gamera?” Barbella asks. You don’t mean Gamera Johnson who went to Michigan State? Class of 93?

Meanwhile, in the inky blackness of space, triumphant music heralds Gamera’s discovery of the planet Terra. He flies toward it, nodding.

Akio and Tom are escorted to a lounge as Barbella watches them on the viewscreen. Floban returns and points out that the saucer only holds two people. Barbella says she will make some scans “to see if the boys are poisonous.” The American is probably higher in cholesterol. “If not, the boys will become our rations.” Would that make them, technically, the children’s menu?

In the lounge, Akio and Tom muse about getting back to Earth. Says Tom, “Just think how excited they’ll get on Earth, how groovy the girls are. They’ll be a big hit down there.” How groovy the girls are? What is he, Greg Brady all off a sudden?

It seems that Akio is not paying attention to Tom. And one could hardly blame him. It turns out, though, that Akio is under some sort of hypnosis and that Barbella is probing his brain. “Let your mind imagine what you would most like right now,” she instructs him. Doughnuts, it turns out. Is he Homer Simpson? “I see,” she says, “right away.” She places his order immediately. Meanwhile, Tom is trying to wake Akio up, so the women knock out Tom. That done, Barbella asks Akio if there are creatures like Gyaos on Earth. “Gamera got them all,” he thinks to her. “Gamera? Is that a creature?” She gets him to tell her all about Gamera. “Gamera is the friend to children.” And then we get a long series of flashbacks to previous Gamera movies. This goes on for a while.

The flashbacks done, Akio and Tom wake up and have vivid memories of having just eaten Akio’s mother’s doughnuts. “Your mother really makes doughnuts great,” says Tom dreamily.

In the control room, Floban is back from checking the ship, and it is fine. Barbella has her make the doughnuts for the kids. "Time to make the doughnuts," grumbles Floban. “Use sleeping powder.” My guess is that’s exactly what Akio’s mother uses, too. “When they’re unconscious...we’ll gobble their brains raw.” Eww...raw brains? That’s disgusting. It’s like steak tartare. Who doesn’t cook children’s brains? Floban is equally incredulous. “Eat their brains?” she asks, obviously thinking, “Are you nuts?” Barbella explains, ”All their knowledge which has been handed down has been stored in their complicated brain cells. So if we eat their brains, that knowledge will help us to adapt.” You know, wouldn’t it be easier to just pick up a Fodor’s guide? “We can accomplish it, just as our bacteria do here to become higher animals.” Say what? That’s a weird sort of evolution they’ve got. I guess you really need antibacterial soap on that planet, or you'll wake up in the morning and the bathroom is full of advanced life forms. If you don't clean your shower regularly, things could start developing language skills overnight.

Back on Earth, speaking of things having evolved from bacteria, Tom’s mother Elza pulls up to Akio’s house looking for Tom. Akio’s mother says that Akio and Tom have gone off someplace, but doesn’t know where. I would imagine that Elza is rethinking this whole “let Tom stay with Akio” thing. Elza wonders if Tomoko knows where they are. “It’s no use asking my daughter anything.” Youch. Barbella and Floban are more maternal than these two. Meanwhile, Tomoko is watching and listening from the porch above them. I’m guessing she’s going to need a world class team of psychiatrists by the end of this. “She says they are lost in space,” says Akio’s mother. “In space?” repeats Elza. “Tom wants to stay with us longer. He must have run away, knowing you were coming,” says Akio’s mother. Yeah, that must be the case. Because you are so loving and nurturing, mama-san dearest.

Elza seems quite happy to let Tom stay with Akio longer, and one could hardly blame her. Akio’s mother asks her to stay for tea, but Elza declines and quickly flees. I bet she’s trying to remember where her passport is and how fast she can get to the airport.

As Elza pulls out, Tomoko pops up from the back seat. Shut up and keep your hands on the wheel and just drive, she said (drive she said). Tomoko insists that Akio and Tom are lost in space. Tomoko thinks she knows someone who can help...Kondo, the goofy pole guy who is some kind of officer. Surely he's not the police? She grabs Kondo from out of the security booth at mattress warehouse (it looks like), stuffs him in Elza’s car, and they drive out to the vacant lot where the spaceship had landed. Tomoko runs down and draws an outline around where the ship had landed. Kondo and Elza watch her in disbelief. Elza is signing the commitment papers in her mind. Kondo wishes he had his martial arts dragon pole. Or something.

Elza shrugs then calmly tells Tomoko that according to the Astronomical Bureau, “the flying saucer scare was just an illusion or made up stories.” Speaking of astronomy, Elza kind of looks like what astrophysicists say happens to someone caught in the gravitational pull of a black hole, as tidal forces stretch that person into a long, thin spaghetti-like strand as it takes an infinite amount of time to pass into the black hole. (And, as they pointed out on MST3K, she does more than a little like Michael Stipe from R.E.M. in drag.) “No!” retorts Tomoko, “it’s true” It’s twue! Elza rolls her eyes. “Darling, the Apollo crew said there are no living things out there at all, that our Earth is the only oasis there is.” I think they might have been talking about the Moon. Tomoko is insistent that there was a spaceship, and tries to solicit Kondo’s support, asking if he believes her. “Of course. You never lie. You’re a little lady. A good girl.” He should try to convince her own mother of that. Kondo suggests going to the observatory. He’s credulous as hell.

Elza is aghast that Kondo—whom everyone now starts calling Kon, for some reason—believes her. “The observatory can’t be brought into this now.” The observatory is a sacred holy institution that should have no contact with mere mortals, especially where issues of astronomy are concerned. She insists that the kids are around there somewhere. She also insists that “psychologists say that if you believe everything a child says, it is educationally and psychologically wrong.” Can we see the data on that? Kon[do] insists “That Tomoko there. She doesn’t lie.” “You mustn’t listen.” Point/Counterpoint! Kon!!!!!!

Tomoko starts praying very loudly for god to help the boys. Elza looks around awkwardly. Jefferson, I think we’re lost!

Back on Terra, Barbella brings the boys a large tray of doughnuts and milk. “They look just like the ones mother makes,” says Akio. Deep-fried in spite and bitterness? After Barbella leaves, Akio thinks he can hear Gamera, even though Gamera is still far away in space. It turns out, it was just his imagination. They scarf down the doughnuts. The sleeping powder takes effect, and the kids are knocked out. The women apparently return, but whoever did the aspect ratio transfer from widescreen to 4:3 were also under the effect of the sleeping powder, because we hear the women doing something just out of the frame while we keep looking at an empty transporter.

Finally, we find out what is happening. The women have brought in a special brain eating chair and they put the unconscious Akio into it. They then shave his head with a large, yellow ornamental electric razor. Floban tells Barbella where to cut the skull, and Barbella fires up a small circular saw. (Do they do a lot of that sort of thing so they would have the equipment so handy? Heck, it takes me 45 minutes to find a screwdriver.) She is about to saw through Akio’s cranium when—

A red light flashes and an alarm wails. Yep, a telemarketer calling, right as dinner is about to be served. It never fails! The women run up to the control room, turn on the viewscreen, and discover it’s Gamera. “Gamera is the children’s friend. It’s here for them,” says Barbella. They launch a missile. Not surprisingly, it was ineffective, so they sic Guiron on him. As Guiron brings his nose knife down on Gamera’s back, Gamera’s head pops in and out of his shell. The film editor has some fun rocking that sequence back and forth. It turns out that Guiron can actually pierce Gamera’s shell, and spurts of bluish-green blood gush over Guiron’s nose. Hey, kids, having fun? Gamera grabs Guiron’s hand and bites down on it. That cheeses Guiron off, so Guiron gets up on his hind legs, and starts flinging Gamera around. Gamera wraps his tail around a rock, which sends Guiron to off balance, and somehow he goes flying knife-first into a rock with a loud clang, where he gets wedged. Gamera uses his fire-breath to try to roast Guiron, or at the very least sterilize the blade. You certainly wouldn’t want to get a wound infected on top of everything. Maybe there’s another monster on the planet that secretes Bactine.

Guiron has another weapon: he shoots out metal shuriken, or Ninja throwing stars, from a spot on the side of his head. He launches a couple at Gamera and they slice into the turtle’s face, just below the eyes. Blood spurts out. Gamera wails in extreme agony. Hey, kids, having fun! Gamera grabs two fistfuls of snow and places them on the wounds. Guiron fires off a couple more shuriken but Gamera uses a giant icicle (huh?) to bat them away, and one lands right in Guiron’s shoulder. Hah! Guiron is quite the wuss, and after one little wound retreats to his hole. Gamera, meanwhile, does an admirable recreation of the “Stella!” scene from Streetcar Named Desire, then flops over backwards into a lake, and sinks to the bottom, howling in pain.

Scenes from a Battle

Well.

The women think Gamera is dead. “Serves him right,” says Barbella, and they laugh diabolically.

In the lounge, Tom wakes and sees an unconscious, shaven-headed Akio in the brain eating chair. “Hey, lady!” he calls. “Lady!” (I am not making that up.) He sounds like a prepubescent Jerry Lewis, which, come to think of it, doesn’t sound appreciably different from a postpubescent Jerry Lewis. He runs to the transporter and beams into the control room, just in time to overhear the two women discussing eating their brains. However, it turns out that Gamera damaged...something or other. Says Barbella, “We’ll eat their brains after we’ve fixed the ship.” Tom beams back to the lounge and wakes Akio by punching him right on the head. That wakes him up. Tom explains that the women are cannibals. (Well, probably not, since the women aren’t actually human.) Akio is sensitive about his bald head (the 6s are visible, perhaps), and Tom gives him his hat. They beam back to the control room, then run to the moving corridor and make it back outside. The women are inside the spaceship, and Akio makes it a point to yell as loudly as he can so as to be heard by the women, who then go after them. Good one.

The boys beam away in a transporter, but the women know how to bring them back. Somehow, the boys flip the switch and the women beam away. “Hip hooray, the cannibals are gone!” They then decide to break the transporter controls so the women can’t return. However, they apparently don’t realize that this is the women’s own technology, so unsurprisingly, they know how it works better than the kids do and thus return to the transporter.

They bring the boys back into the control room. “We’re not good to eat!” argues Akio, producing several restaurant reviews to that effect. They stand the boys back to back on a pedestal, and a conical cage appears around them. Actually, I think Akio’s mother is going to get one of these things installed in Akio’s bedroom. The women then go off to repair the spaceship.

Back at Akio’s house, the three womenfolk are sitting around worrying. Says Elza, “I’ll sure give Tom a good licking all right.” Eww. That’s just wrong. Akio's mother is dreaming about wire hangers and suggests renting a Joan Crawford movie.

A convoy of cars approaches the house. The ditzy reporters from the beginning of the movie run up and want to interview Tomoko. They confirm rumors that there had been a spaceship sighted the previous evening. The two mothers suddenly think that the story was true. Tomoko is warmly absorbed into the loving arms of the press. Elza is aghast. A child was right about something and not lying! The horror! Her whole world comes crashing down around her. It’s the end of the world as she knows it (and she doesn’t feel fine).

Back on Terra, the boys are freaking out in their little metal trash bin. “I want mama!” whines Tom. No, you really don’t. She will only heap shame on you, or give you a good licking, so you’re better off there—or even with Gamera. Maybe even Guiron. “I wish Gamera would come and help us out.” Gamera is one knackered turtle right now. They start shouting for Gamera, who wakes up—not at all happy—at the bottom of the lake.

Tom gets out his dart pistol and tries to shoot the control panel and open the cage. He manages to hit the Guiron control instead, letting Mack the Knife out of his hole. Tom tries another dart, which hits the control that closes Guiron’s pit with Guiron on the outside. Good one. Barbella and Floban are in the spaceship; Guiron lumbers toward them. They decide to try to take off for Earth ASAP. The ship ascends, but then so does Guiron, slicing the ship in two. The two halves dangles flaccidly from their individual strings. The ship crashes. Floban is injured; Barbella shoots her. “You know the rules of our planet. Those who are useless have to go.” Hm. This is like a good version of an Ayn Rand novel. Dead aliens simply vanish in a yellow light. Cool. That must certainly save on funeral costs.

Guiron now heads toward the control room. The boys start freaking out and yelling for Gamera. Gamera, still at the bottom of the lake, had fallen back asleep, but is now up again. “Gamera! Don’t die now!” Akio yells. Sure, it’s all about the damn kids. You can tell that Gamera is thinking, “Friend to children? Am I crazy? That’s it, Tokyo is toast when I get out of this.”

Guiron starts smashing into the control room building, and Styrofoam chunks fall on the kids. To add insult to injury, as Guiron is blundering around, a boulder falls in the lake and nails Gamera on the chin. Now he’s pissed. He flies out of the lake.

Meanwhile, the wreckage of the building knocks the kids loose. Guiron lunges at Gamera a few times, but Gamera manages to elude him. The kids feel the need to yammer inanely as if they were ESPN college basketball play-by-play announcers. “Nice jumping, Gamera!” Gamera tries roasting Guiron again, but still nothing doing. He then tries jumping up and down on Guiron’s back. Surprisingly that isn’t much of a help. “Brilliant!” yells Akio.

Now things get truly ridiculous. Gamera flies over to a metal bar suspended between two towers and starts his Olympic gymnastics routine, swinging around the bar. He dismounts and starts a victory dance. However, Guiron launches a few shuriken that lodge into Gamera’s wrists. I think football referees are thinking of using this idea to deter end zone celebrations. Gamera starts playing the air ukulele for some reason. “A go-go dancer!” yells Tom. “Gamera’s doing a dance!” No, he’s not, he’s Tiny Tim. Akio politely points out that, no, he is trying to get the sharp pieces of metal out of his flesh. Kind of a fine line, really. Guiron charges toward him. Gamera jumps out of the way and dives into the water. Guiron again charges toward the kids. They start randomly pressing buttons, and Guiron’s pit opens, and Guiron falls backwards into it. The kids look for some other weapon. “It makes me angry,” says Akio, at not having a weapon he can use. Sure, it’s all about you, kid.

Meanwhile, Barbella makes it back to the moving corridor, surprised that Gamera is not dead. She runs into the control room and starts fiddling with equipment, but to no avail, as the power is out. Kind of like Saratoga in June. “It’s a last resort, but I’ll get them,” she says cryptically. She’s going to take them to a resort?

Underwater, Gamera manages to get the shuriken out of his wrist. Up above, Guiron bursts out of the ground. The kids watch the viewscreen, and a missile rises up out of the ground. Guiron dives into the lake and charges into Gamera from behind. That does it. Gamera has had enough.

Gamera grabs Guiron’s feet, fires up his jets, and propels Guiron up out of the lake, several hundred feet into the air, then straight down into the ground, where Guiron’s knife nose becomes lodged.

The kids start cheering, then launch the missile. Suddenly, there are two missiles flying around (wha?), one of which destroys another building (the one Barbella happened to be in, killing her), but the other of which is caught by Gamera. He pitches it at Guiron where it lodges right in his shuriken-shooting head holes. Gamera heats up the missile with his fire breath, and the missile explodes, blowing apart Guiron’s head and sending his body several hundred feet into the air. He’s dead, Jim.

Everyone cheers. Gamera grabs the two halves of the spaceship and uses his breath to weld them together. The kids run outside and climb into Gamera’s hand. “What a big hand,” says Tom. “I’ll say,” seconds Akio. All the better to crush you wish, Gamera is thinking. Gamera carries them to the spaceship takes the ship in his mouth, and flies back to Earth. During the entire trip, all he can think is, “If I crunch down really hard, at least two of my problems will be solved.”

Back at Akio’s house, Tomoko sees something through the telescope, and runs off...some place. Kon[do] bicycles breathlessly back to his security kiosk and calls Dr. Shiga. Dr. Shiga says, “I don’t believe it. That’s ridiculous.” Like most of this movie. Another scientist comes up to Dr. Shiga. “I saw Gamera through my telescope. The spaceship is in his mouth!” And a song is in his heart!

Hundreds of news crews are camped outside the vacant lot. Must be a slow news day. The reporters are teasing Tomoko. “I hope what you are saying is true,” they say to her. Shouldn’t determining that be their job? Do they work for CNBC? Kon[do] is the only one who ever takes her side. “You know, Gamera is the friend to children,” he adds apropos of nothing. I wouldn’t be too sure about that anymore.

A large black car pulls up, and Dr. Shiga and several astronomers emerge. They are all wearing white lab coats. Why would an astronomer be wearing a lab coat? Especially outside the lab? Dr. Shiga introduces himself to the boys’ mothers as Dr. Shira (yes, to five billion names of Dr. Shi[g][r]a) and tells them about the Gamera/mouth/spaceship thing. And right on cue, Gamera lands in the vacant lot, puts the ship down and Tom and Akio get out. “We should have believed her,” says Akio’s mother. “I guess there are times when out children are telling the truth.” Jeesh. Kon[do]’s glasses slip down his nose, which Akio’s mother kindly points out. “That’s all right. My glasses slip when I get excited.” Moving right along...

The boys wave to Gamera, and thank him. Akio takes off his hat, and Kon[do] is in awe over his shaved head. Says Tomoko, “There are space creatures like you, too. Hee hee hee.” What a horrifying thought. Dr. Shiga wants some of the action.

“We discovered a new planet and saw spacepeople,” Tom tells him. Hey, he got it right that time and didn’t call a planet a “star.” “Yes,” adds Akio, “we thought there’d be a highly civilized and peaceful planet, with no wars or accidents”—again with the accidents!—“but we found out Earth’s the best. And that we should work to make it better....Stop wars and no more accidents. I guess that’s all I can ask.” Oh, is that all? Gamera agrees. Well if the giant mutated turtle is on board, I guess I am, too.

And with that, Gamera takes off into the sky.

The end.

The indignity of having his head blown off was only the last in a long series of humiliations for the creature known as Guiron, who had had a very hard life. From the day he was created by the Terrans, it was an uphill struggle to maintain some semblance of dignity. As a child, he wanted nothing more than to read books, write poetry, watch birds, and pick flowers. But the sad fact is that when your head is a giant knife, you’re going to get stereotyped, and thus all the other creatures and pseudo-humans naturally assumed that he was an evil monster, out to kill anyone and everything that got in his way. In point of fact, he only used his giant head blade for good, such as opening that unopenable plastic packaging that electronic devices and supplies always come in. He was once decorated as a national hero for being able to get a new Webcam out of its packaging. Still, he was teased mercilessly, but then, he had too admit, not as mercilessly as others in his family were, such as his brother, who had a fork for a head; his sister, whose head was a spork; or his cousin Sol whose head was a large spatula. (They had all been in a band in high school, variously called The Utensils, the Flaming Utensils, The Bloody Utensils, and, briefly, The Jonas Brothers.)

But, adolescence soon reared its ugly, sebaceous head, and Guiron was automatically assumed to be a troublemaker. He was once arrested and accused of carrying a concealed weapon—the shuriken—which he soon learned he could make sprout from the side of his head. Of course, worrying about the concealed weapon ignored the 800-pound knife in the room...

Finally, he found a niche he was happy with. After school, Guiron worked for his uncle who owned a deli, and he fit in perfectly and was even happy, especially as Mrs. Wisniewski loved how thin he could slice the pastrami. But his career guidance counselor, citing the results of a standardized aptitude test, insisted that Guiron was better suited to public relations. So Guiron reluctantly gave up his deli job and worked for a prominent PR firm on Terra. His first press conference did not get off to a good start when, by accident, he sliced an entire roomful of reporters into luncheon meat. His clients were not happy and sent him a strongly worded e-mail.

After the Terran civilization died off (“Good riddance!” he said) he found that the only work he could get was as a guard dog for Barbella and Floban. As if that weren’t bad enough, he was even forced by the alien women to do endless battle with his old buddy Gyaos, with whom he used to play pinochle every Friday night.

So when Gamera showed up, Guiron was world weary and while he put up a valiant fight to maintain appearances, the fact was, he was looking forward to blessed relief. And, finally, in the split second before he ascended to that great silverware tray in the sky, he smiled.

And thus ends the short, unhappy life of Guiron the Knife-Headed Monster, a cautionary tale. Remember, kids, you should never disparage or make fun of people who are different. After all, some day they could come back and have you violently disemboweled with their face.

Posted 03/17/09

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