Bride of the Gorilla

By Richard Romano

Three years before he stormed up the staircase to fame in Hitchcock’s Rear Window (1954), four years before trying to save Tokyo in the original Godzilla (1955), and six years before inventing the modern television courtroom drama in Perry Mason (1957–1966), Raymond Burr was an RKO contract player who appeared in dozens movies of varying quality, usually as a heavy. Until, late in life, he became quite the heavy.

Bride of the Gorilla, a vaguely supernatural, vaguely horror-like movie, was directed by Curt Siodmak, whose last name looks like a word in one of those Crypto-Quotes you find in the Schenectady Gazette. Siodmak directed a slew of these kinds of movies, but he is perhaps best known for writing the 1942 novel Donovan’s Brain, which was the seminal “keep a disembodied brain alive” story. The idea has been repeated countless times in movie- and TVdom, not always—or ever—exceptionally well.

The thing about Bride of the Gorilla is that it’s not awful, in the way that, say, The Horrors of Spider Island is. It’s not good, but the idea is an interesting twist on the usual “guy turns into a creature” theme, which is that the guy in question (Burr) was simply given a powerful hallucinogenic plant that makes him think he was a giant killer gorilla. Or at least I think that’s the case. There are some scenes where it’s not entirely clear that it’s all in Burr’s head.

Most of the problems of the movie stem from the script which is chock full of inane, overwritten dialogue about being in tune with the jungle, paper-thin characters who you really don’t care all that much about, and a pivotal scene involving a character poisoned by a non-venomous snake that comes nowhere near him. (This last point is not really the fault of the script.)

So, anyway, I give you...Bride of the Gorilla. I guess the first question would be: where is the bride of the gorilla registered? Banana Republic, of course!

And we have titles, set in Jungle Font Sans Serif. Lon Chaney is in this, oddly not playing the guy who turns into a creature. He was the “man of a thousand faces,” and I think each face billed separately, so they didn’t have the budget for more than one face in this movie. Here he’s just a morose police commissioner. (Actually, the Lon Chaney in this movie is Lon Chaney Jr., and it was Sr. who was the “man of a thousand faces.” Still, Warren Zevon says he saw them both walking with the Queen. So there.) And Tom Conway rounds out the cast. I think he often appeared opposite Horvey Korman.

Charles Van Enger is the director of photography. When your DP’s last name is an anagram of “Avenger” you know you’re in for some nasty cinematography. (For those keeping track, the extra “n” would be for extra nasty.)

And, of course, it was directed by Curt Siodmak.

There’s quite a bit I could do with that last name if those letters turned up on a Scrabble rack. If there were an open “R” somewhere on the board, maybe I could make “radios.” An open "U" could perhaps let me make "radius." If Spanish words were acceptable, there is always "adios." Hmm...

The titles over, we get a montage of various jungle scenes: a puma, some sort of monkey, a giant lizard, a leopard, an anaconda. A voice intones, “This is jungle.” Dang, I was going to say “desert.” Alex, I’ll take “Ecosystems” for $200, please. Anyway... “Lush, green, alive with incredible growth.” Three ways of saying basically the same thing. “As young as day, as old as time.” Oh, no, it’s turning into Zardoz all over again! The narrator introduces himself as Taro, the police commissioner, played by Lon Chaney; prepare to be Tarofied! He says his town borders the Amazonas River and he knows the jungle “as well as any man knows it.” So, nothing special. Why is this guy the narrator? Taro goes on about how he finds the jungle beautiful, but beauty can also be deadly. “Something terrifying, something of prehistoric ages, when monstrous superstitions ruled the minds of men. Something that has haunted the world for millions of years!” Beauty? Somebody apparently had a bad breakup. On the screen, we pan over to a house whose glass doors have been ripped off their hinges. “Let me tell you how the jungle itself took the law into its own hands.” You know what they used to say on The People’s Court: “don’t take the law into your own hands. You take them to court.” Ironically, it was advice Raymond Burr did not heed.

We go inside Van Gelder Manor, the ruins of a plantation which looks like the jungle took interior decorating into its own hands. The jungle apparently rose to punish “one man for his crime.” It went right for the jungular.

Cut to a close up of the dancing feet of Mrs. Dina Van Gelder (played by Barbara Payton—so would the plantation technically be called Payton Place?). The shoes she’s got on look like jungle vines grew up from the soles and started strangling her ankles. The jungle is punishing her for her dancing.

Barney Chavez (Burr) enters. Barney works for Dina’s husband Klaas, who owns the plantation. “Your husband pays me to run his plantation, not be killed by the heat.” No one ever reads their entire job description. We then find out that it is a rubber plantation—I mean, they grow rubber plants and extract the rubber, not that the house itself is made of rubber—and Barney is having a hard time keeping workmen, as “they run off to go into business for themselves.” Quite a bustling economy they’ve got down there—in the jungle. I guess the rubber market is pretty elastic.

Barney tells her that the jungle is no place for a pretty woman like her; she needs to travel and wear pretty clothes. “Life runs away too fast if you don’t hold onto it with both hands.” You could try hitting life in the kneecaps with a lead pipe. She claims she is duty-bound to her husband. “You’re confusing gratitude with love,” he replies. Youch.

They are watched over by what is either a large potato swathed in a black shawl or the housekeeper.

In walks Klaas Van Gelder—Dina’s husband—and Dr. Viet, both of them looking like they are wearing Alec Guinness’s suit from The Man in the White Suit. Van Gelder had been looking for Barney at the warehouse: there was an accident, and a man got hurt. “They always get hurt. That’s the chance they take,” says Barney. Jeez, I thought management was supposed to be the cruel and heartless ones. The kicker is that Barney is the shop steward. Turns out, the guy died, but apparently wouldn’t have if Barney had been there. “I can’t be in two places at the same time,” protests Barney. Yeah, making time with the boss’s wife or doing his job. He can’t do both simultaneously. Barney stalks out.

The doctor ambles over and says in his wry British accent, “White people shouldn’t live too long in the jungle. It brings out their bad side.” Uh, buddy, what are you doing there? You’re not exactly local color, if you know what I mean. He then mentions that Klaas is not well; “it’s his low blood pressure. I can hardly hear his heartbeat.” If he’s like my doctor, I bet a year earlier he was harping on Klaas for having high blood pressure. There’s no pleasing doctors. Says Dina, “I haven’t had the chance in a long time to get that close to his heart.” Ouch. “It’s his complaint that you neglect him,” counters the doctor. Ouch ouch. Apparently, Klaas is content to be by himself and read his books. Looking at her I’m guessing the problem isn’t with his heart... “I was married once, long ago,” says the doctor and trails off. Something tells me it did not go well. I’m not surprised.

Barney wanders back in. “You wouldn’t know either, would you, Barney,” Dina says. That’s always the kind of conversation you want to walk in on. She then asks Barney what he thinks of marriage. “Marriage is a contract, a civil contract, isn’t it?” Barney asks. Oh, it’s not always civil. “It’s a relation either of sympathy or of conquest,” he adds, “not every couple is a pair.” Waka waka. She tells him he must have read that somewhere. He takes umbrage at the assumption he couldn’t have thought it up by himself. Look, Barney, you’re not exactly H.L. Mencken here. Klaas walks back over. “I’m not clever either, Barney, but I know where to find wisdom.” And he leads Dina off. But— Okay... That was awkward.

The household sits down to dinner, and we discover that the potato-headed housekeeper’s name is actually How Long. Can that be right? Not to be confused with Howie Long, I guess.

Klaas takes out a large book. Why is he reading from an unabridged dictionary before dinner? Oh, it’s the Bible. “’The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it? I the Lord search the heart. I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways and according to the fruit of his doings.’” Maybe they should let someone else say Grace. Dr. Viet points out that there was a case of smallpox, and suggests that the workers be inoculated. Might that not have been a good idea in general? He certainly knows what topics are appropriate for meals. Yeah, boils were festering all over the place. Pus oozing everywhere... Hey, pass the gravy!

Klaas then fires Barney for reasons that aren’t quite clear. Something about a workman’s daughter? Some sort of indiscretion, or maybe he was caught wearing her pink slip. Anyway, Barney seems pretty cool with it. “Mind if I have my dinner first?” That cheeses Klaas and he stalks away from the table. Dr. Viet goes after him. Dina asks Barney what happened. He says he dislikes Klaas’s spies, like “that old woman, How Long. I bet she gives him a report every day.” Like Paul Drake? She implores him not to leave, and the soundtrack implies that there is something between them.

Barney wanders out into the garden, and another woman—Lorena‑begs him to take her with him when he leaves. Is everyone in this movie hot for Raymond Burr? “I don’t even know where I’m going,” he says. “I don’t care. I just want to be with you.” Sure, she says that now. What if he’s going to Elizabeth, New Jersey? “You said you’d never leave me,” she continues, “why did you say it?” “Because you wanted to hear it.” He is a charmer. No wonder everyone wants him. She then gets mad. “You want to take dinner with you!” What? Oh, he wants to take Dina with him. Six of one, half dozen of another. He tells her to leave him alone and stalks out.

Hm. If the Scrabble board had an open “T” on it some placeI could make “Taoism” out of some of the letters in “Siodmak.” That would be eight points, 15 if the “M” landed on a Triple Letter Score, and 16 if it landed on a Double Word Score. If there were a second “M” open, I could make “Maoism,” which would be even better. The “K” and “D” could also be used to spell “kid“ if there were an open “I” somewhere.

Doctor Viet is giving Klaas a quick physical. He just gave him one five minutes ago, but Viet is a lonely man. For some reason, there is a large bubbling beaker in the middle of the room. Is he practicing for mad scientist auditions? Klaas is upset; he suspects something is going on between Dina and Barney, or that Barney wants to take dinner with him. It’s hard to tell. Either way, he’s not happy about it. I mean, it is his food.

The doctor asks, “Do you love her?” “Without her, I have nothing.” What about the plantation? The doctor recommends that Klaas take Dina (or dinner, perhaps) away from there. “It’s the climate. A woman buried in a place like this...” Buried? Well, there’s your problem! Klaas asks, “You like her, don’t you?” The doctor admits, “Of course. She looks good to any man.” Just the thing a jealous husband wants to hear! The doctor chuckles. “Listen to who’s giving advice. My private life isn’t perfect either, but then I live alone.” Just him, a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce, and a Resusci Annie. Use your imagination...or, better yet, don’t. “Barney Chavez,” says Klass, “he’s like a beast, an animal, with animal instincts.” He is? The doctor says, “You should go to bed. I should, too.” Is that a proposition?

Lorena runs into How Long’s room and flings herself onto the bed, crying about how Barney doesn’t love her anymore. How Long says, “You should have stayed with your own people.” She then smiles mischievously. “But he will never hurt you again. Never.” Bwa-ha-ha-ha!

Klaas takes a flashlight and wanders out into the garden. Barney is skulking in the bushes. There is a confrontation; Barney says, “You read from the Bible tonight, but you didn’t finish what you were reading. It goes on: ‘Let them be confounded that persecute me...bring upon them the day of evil, and destroy them with double destruction.’” Double destruction; it’s two, two destructions in one! And Barney, you’re cherrypicking Bible quotes (but then he’s hardly alone). Your quote is eight verses after Van Gelder’s. Van Gelder had read Jeremiah 17:9–10. Barney’s quote is Jeremiah 17:18. Jeremiah 17:11, though, says, “As the partridge sitteth on eggs, and hatcheth them not; so he that getteth riches, and not by right, shall leave them in the midst of his days, and at his end shall be a fool.” So in other words, go sit on an egg.

Anyway, Barney, what’s your point? “A man sometimes gets in a spot where he has to make a big decision.” Yep: the beef or the chicken. Unless you’ve told the airline you’d like a vegetarian or kosher meal. “My decision’s been made,” says Van Gelder. “Mine, too,” retorts Barney. What’s the problem here? Van Gelder wants him gone, and Barney wants to leave. It sounds like it is a win-win scenario. “You’re standing in my way,” says Barney, “and Dina’s.” That gets the old guy’s goat. “We love each other, what are you gonna do about it,” says Barney. So Van Gelder slugs Barney. It answered the question, I’ll give it that.

Here’s where things start to go bad for...well, for both of them, really. Barney glances down and spies a snake slithering out of the brush. He punches Klaas right in the gut, and I guess somehow ensures that Klaas falls right in the path of the snake. The snake slithers closer, but it looks like a python or a boa constrictor and not an especially venomous snake, but you still don’t want to be in its path. Klaas begs Barney for help; Barney does nothing. Meanwhile, How Long has been secretly watching the whole thing. Raymond Burr often has this problem. I think Jimmy Stewart is also watching him from across the courtyard.

I think the film editor went out for a pizza or something, because we never see the snake get anywhere near Klaas, but suddenly Klaas loses consciousness. Was he bitten? Is he literally scared to death of snakes? How Long takes off, and Barney gets the sense that he had been seen.

He runs into Dina’s bedroom. “You can’t come in here. Are you insane?” I’m not sure that’s a rhetorical question. He says he is leaving in the morning and she is coming with him. “Where will we go?” she asks. “Does it matter? I can get a job any place.” Oh, really? And what kind of reference does he think he’s going to get when he killed his last boss? “No one will hire you around here,” she says. Well, the idea is to get out of there, or haven’t you been listening? “The world is a lot bigger than this jungle,” he counters. And vice versa. Barney promises her that she’ll be happy if they leave.

Well, it sounds like a plan. What could possibly go wr—

Oh, right. The dead guy. How Long puts a large potted plant down next to Klaas’s body and starts covering his face with leaves. Is she going to add croutons? Now, she says, we have balsamic vinaigrette, Thousand Island, or parmesan peppercorn. It’s a weird death ritual. I’ve heard of one’s salad days, but this is ridiculous. She then starts invoking a curse on Barney. “Barney Chavez, he will be like a animeal.” Animeal? It sounds like a brand of professional grade animal feed. Oh, animal. I get it. But I thought he already had “the instincts of an animal”? I guess curses are more effective when you turn someone in something they already are. “The jungle shall hunt him to his death.” Is he in season?

The next morning, Police Chief Taro is on the scene, interrogating Barney. Barney insists the last time he saw Van Gelder was in the drawing room; Taro points out that footprints “the size and shape of your own” were found near the body. Barney takes umbrage and insists that Taro come right out and say what he wants: “Why don’t you ask if I killed Klaas Con Gelder.” Con Gelder? While Taro knows that Barney and Klaas quarreled, he says he doesn’t have any evidence to charge him with anything. Dr. Viet then provides the cause of death: “Shock and suffocation caused by snake venom.” Viet points out that Klaas had been ill, and suggests that he had a fainting spell in the garden and the snake attacked him. Taro then asks Viet what his “private opinion” is. “My private opinion is...of no value.” He doesn’t even think of his privates at all.

Taro offers up the opinion that Barney knocked Klaas to the ground where the snake bit him. “These reptiles often attack when they’re frightened.” Yes, but that would only make sense if Klaas had been quarreling with the snake. And from what I recall, the snake still had its job and was not planning to run off with Dina. Although you never know.

Taro then points out that Barney has a discoloration on his jaw. “A fight, perhaps?” he asks. “Yes, with one of my men.” Barney then charges across the room. “Why don’t you stick to the point! Why don’t you arrest me!” This guy should switch to decaf. “I would, but for one thing: these leaves.” They’re delicious! Anyway, what about the laves? “They come from a plant called the Pet Iguana.” What? “The plant of evil.” What? I think I have an entire backyard full of them. “These leaves worry.” They do? So not only is the plant evil, but angst-ridden, too? What’s with the vegetation down there? The jungle seeks revenge, the plants worry and are evil. Maybe instead of a tree surgeon they should call in a plant psychiatrist.

Anyway: “They are used to put an evil spell on people.” Both Barney and Taro think it unlikely that Barney would be a practitioner of magic. So, let’s see, of all the people in that room, who would be the most likely to use mystical plants to cast evil spells? Oh, let’s see, I can’t quite figure it out...I don’t know... “How Long, come here.” Aha! Yes, of course! Taro asks her what she knows about Klaas’s death. She looks around the room. “He was bit by the snake....I saw it.” Taro then asks if Barney was there. “No, he was in Mrs. Van Gelder’s room all the time.” Ah, so the kooky old witch is scheming, by the sound of it. It gets Barney off the hook for the killing (although you’d think all he’d have against him was being an accomplice to a snake bite), but then, it does raise other issues. Out of the frying pan... That makes Taro stand up. “Is this true, Mrs. Van Gelder?” She thinks for a minute. Oh sure, why not? “Yes,” she finally says, “he came to say goodbye.” That settles it for Taro. Case closed.

Taro then asks How Long about the leaves, and asks where the plant is. “You know it’s against the law to own such a plant. It is dangerous poison.” Wait: they’re in the jungle! Deadly and poisonous things surround them at every turn, and the law freaks out that someone might have a poisonous plant? Jeez. “You can’t make her talk unless she wants to, Taro, you know that,” says Viet. You will bow down before How Long! Taro then orders her room be searched. Taro waxes philosophical. “I sometimes feel I don’t speak my own peoples’ language.” He should try Rosetta Stone. “Since I became an official, I seem to be standing outside their code of law.” But...oh, never mind. And that it’s for that conversation. I think Taro needs a good therapist. Maybe he and the plants can get a group rate.

In How Long’s room, she tells Taro’s officer where to find the Pet Iguana plant. He takes it out of her wall safe (huh?). “Would you like to have such a plant for your own?” she asks. She can make him such a deal. “It wards off sickness. It keeps away the eeeeevil spirits.” Yeah, how’s that working so far? “It brings money into the house.” Sort of a weird Amazonian pyramid scheme she’s got going on. “But it’s power also brings evil.” So it keeps away evil and also brings evil. Touchy plant. You know, I think I’ll just get a fern instead. “If you hurt it, your wife will fall sick, your children will die.” It’s a wonder How Long doesn’t have a show on the Home and Garden Channel. I can see the TV listing how: “Coming up at 8:00—Death Garden. This week, How Long warns you how to properly feed and water your Plant of Evil so your family doesn’t all die horribly under mysterious circumstances.” You don’t even want to know about her cooking show.

Anyway.

“I bring such a plant to your house tonight,” she says. No! Please, that’s all right! Don’t take the trouble. “I don’t want it. I don’t believe in black magic,” the guy says, and gets the hell out of there as quickly as he can, although he does start humming “Black Magic Woman.” “Don’t tell anybody I have such a plant!” she calls after him. “No, I won’t. But you keep away from my house. I don’t want witches near my children.” Sam! I said no witchcraft! As he leaves, How Long gloats. It’s good to be evil!

If there were an open “X” on the Scrabble board, I could make “axioms.” That would be 15 points, 30 if there were a Double Word Score, 45 if there were a Triple Word Score. Even better, I could make "kid" with the letters I had and then hope that I got the "X" in the next letter draw. Yes, that's a bit of a long shot, but one of the two blank tiles would work, too.

Dina is out in the garden, gazing into the jungle distractedly. Barney enters behind her. He thanks her for corroborating his alibi. Or, actually, the kooky old woman’s alibi. Or...whatever the hell Witchiepoo is up to. She begs him not to go away. “I won’t. You know that.” I thought the whole idea was for the two of them to run off together.

Back in Witchiepoo’s room, she is decanting some liquid from her plant of evil while chanting to it. I think she needs a pet. “In his eyes, he shall be an animal.” Yep, just like Pete Townshend sang, “I am an animal/My teeth are sharp and my mouth is full.”

Some time later, Barney has apparently married Dina. Jeez, Klaas’s body wasn’t even cold yet. He may not be an animal yet, but he’s certainly tacky. The reception is being held at the Van Gelder Mansion—presumably the house will be renamed. “Is this your first marriage, Mr. Chavez,” asks one of the guests. That’s a rather rude question to ask at a wedding reception. This guy must be a treat at funerals, too. “Know lots of dead guys?” Anyway, Barney quips, “My father used to say, ‘try everything once.’” Yes, but he was at an all-you-can-eat buffet when he said it. You can’t take those types of quotes out of context.

The guest, resembling a low-budget Sydney Greenstreet, says, “I’ve been married for 26 years. I keep my marriage going. My wife does the rest.” In fact, my wife is in here. I keep her stored in my abdomen. Barney and Dina wisely get the hell away from the guy; there’s always at least one party guest like that.

A servant comes out of the kitchen, and How Long takes a large glass out of a cabinet and hands it to him. “For the master,” she says. Uh oh. the servant hands the glass to Barney just as he had finished his previous drink. Those servants are efficient, I’ll give them that. He and Sydney Greenstreet chug their drinks in unison. It turns out these two are neighbors, separated by a scant 40 miles. “I see you’re getting service in your house,” says Greenstreet. Okay, moving right along....

Barney starts to feel ill and he reels—well, chugging a tumbler full of whiskey will do that to you! How Long, who has her festive Curse Cape on, watches smugly.

Some time later, presumably at the same party, a woman says to Barney, “Every time I meet an attractive man he’s either married our about to be.” She’s hitting on the groom at his own wedding reception? Good grief. And, hey, it’s nice to see Taro was invited to the party, although it was a bit tacky of him to have brought paperwork. They’re important papers that Barney has to sign. They had to do this at the wedding reception?

As Barney puts his hand on the papers, he sees it turn black and desiccated. He jumps up and runs off, hiding his hand. Try Palmolive. You’re soaking in it. Boy, is he soaking in it. How Long continues to look on smugly.

Dr. Viet follows him and asks what the matter is. Barney shows him his hand; there is nothing wrong with it. You have to hand it to him. Anyway, nothing apparently being the problem, he dismisses the doctor. He wants to be alone with his hand. Moving right along... The doctor leaves and he examines his hand.

That night, Barney and Dina are in their bedroom. Barney is the only person who can go on about how lucky is to have met such a beautiful woman and make it sound like it’s the worst thing that ever happened to him. They are interrupted by a shrill piercing cry from outside. “The jungle,” he says. “It sounds like music.” Well, Celine Dion music. “Hear that high sound? It’s a bird with long red feathers. It flies without making a noise.” Do other birds sound like jet aircraft when they fly? “It’s a vicuna bird,” she points out. A what? That would be an interesting sight. He says he has to leave, he needs to go into the jungle. “You can’t go into the jungle at this time of night,” she says. Besides, they fixed the plumbing in the house. but he takes off anyway.

Barney wanders through the jungle, and there are intercuts of random creatures. And, hey, the soundtrack even has the “ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah” creature you always hear in jungle movies. This goes on for a while.

He sees his hands turn black and shriveled again. There are some “Barneycam” perspective shots as he charges through the brush. He comes to stream, sees his reflection, and it is that of a gorilla. Maybe he just needs a shave.

Some time later, Dina comes across his unconscious form in the garden. She has some servants carry him into the house. Six hours later, the doctor arrives, and Barney is lying in bed, having some kind of fever dream. “Hands..hurt!” he yells. “Jimmy Stewart!...Giant camera lens...Miss Torso...Grace Kelly...” I think How Long must have also had him turn into a bullfrog because it looks as if his chest is massively inflated, like a balloon that’s about to pop. “Face in the water...Face! Watch out!” he screams feverishly. “Della Street...Hamilton Burger...The Case of the Restless Redhead...” The doctor gives him a shot, and he goes to sleep. “Give him quinine when he wakes up,” the doctor instructs Dina. How about a gin and tonic? Tonic water has quinine in it.

“Happy?” the doctor asks her apropos of nothing. Well, probably not at the moment... “Very,” she responds, “Barney loves me.“ Yeah, but Barney sings that to everyone. “I love you, you love me.” You can’t base a marriage on it. “Klaas was my friend,” says the doctor. “What can I say?” she responds, “I’m sorry that he had to die such a horrible death.” I hope she didn’t give the eulogy. Says the doctor, “At such a convenient time.” Aha! J’accuse! She points out his official report. “I know the cause of Klaas’s death, but not the motive.” Do snakes have motives? Dr. Viet admits that he wished that Barney hadn’t been in her room at the time of the murder. Maybe Viet wishes Barney were in his room instead. “A woman always knows a man’s feelings about her,” she says. “It’s no use, Viet.” Ouch. “Barney’s my husband, for better or worse.” Decidedly the latter.

Every woman in this movie is hot for Barney, and every man is hot for Dina. I think they need more people around there.

You know, even “skid” (or “kids,” or “disk”) would be a good 9 points without any doubling or tripling. And even “moa” would be a good 5-pointer to slip in somewhere, and might also lend itself to some good crossed words.

Dr. Viet pays a visit to Taro.

“Have you heard of this ‘big cat’ that’s supposed to be around?” he asks Taro. Yes, the big cat plays all the hot jazz clubs and can wail on an alto sax like no man. And he can play the honky-tonk like anything, serving it up Friday night. “Some say it’s a puma,” says Taro, “others a giant ape.” Puma, ape, it’s a fine line. “And still others say it is the Sucret.” The what? A giant cough lozenge is killing farm animals? Or did he say “ziggurat”? A giant pyramidal tower? Stalking through the jungle? That would be an interesting sight. “A sukkurat?” repeats Viet. I still have no idea. “It’s a famous jungle demon that tears living animals to shreds with its claws and then feeds upon them,” says Taro. Or, basically, any jungle predator. It’s entirely possible that Lon Chaney has played one at some point, so he knows of what he speaks. Dr. Viet asks if it has attacked any humans. “No, but I’m sure it will.” Well, he’s Chief Inspector Optimistic, isn’t he? “Someone will use this rumor to murder someone and blame it on the sukkurat. It’s happened before.” It has? “It has?” asks the doctor. Doh! Taro gives Viet a look. “I closed the Van Gelder case today.” Hey! what about the sukkurat and the guy who blamed his murder on it!

He repeats Dr. Viet’s pronouncement of the cause of death—suffocation due to snake venom. “But that’s not my opinion. But then my opinion doesn’t seem to carry much weight around here.” It doesn’t? Who’s stopping you from investigating further? You’re the one who closed the case! “You know, doctor, I was born in this little town...” Oh, boy. Here we go. This’ll take a while. Where are my Scrabble tiles...

“I sometimes regret that I went to university, then returned to this jungle with its superstitions. It only served to confuse me....How can I help but be confused? My native mind is filled with these superstitions.” Yeah, education, facts, knowledge. What were you thinking? “My legal mind was developed out of books written by people without emotion.” Did the people not have emotions or was it their writing? This is kind of like a Tony Hillerman novel, only it’s not very good.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. “I know that Barney Chavez murdered Van Gelder. I know that emotionally.” So why doesn’t he arrest him? “The case I have is not tight enough to get a conviction.” Ah. This small town in the middle of the jungle certainly has a pretty elaborate legal system. “I know that How Long lied to protect him, but I know he cannot escape punishment.” And he then brings the sukkurat back up. That tickles the doctor’s funny bone. “Barney Chavez will be brought to justice,” says Taro dramatically. “The jungle will see to that.” Then what do they need him for? And is it really the jungle that’s meting out the justice, or is it Witchiepoo? “The longer I live here, the less I understand you people,” says the doctor. Why do you live there anyway? “Drop in again, doctor,” says Taro in a way that quite clearly means “Get the hell away from me.”

Taro then gets a phone call. It’s serious. Three rubber-tappers have already seen the sukkurat. “What does it look like?” Viet logically asks. “It takes many forms.” Ah. Of course it does. He invites Viet to come with him. “Talk to the people that have seen it. It’ll enlarge your knowledge.” Or, more likely, remove knowledge from his mind. “I wouldn’t miss having a look at it for the world.” You’d be surprised how often the doctor says that exact same thing.

Out at the crime scene—or whatever it is—Taro is pissed already. “If these fools hadn’t trampled all over the place like a herd of elephants, we’d have found footprints.” The doctor looks down at...whatever it was that was killed. “The neck’s been broken, teeth marks, the hide’s been torn to shreds.” One of the rubber-tappers says that the animal that “did this” was “huge and red.” “Red?” asks the doctor. Oh, I know: it was Kool-Aid Man! That’s one of the forms the sukkurat can take. Did it come crashing through the forest? “Oh, yeah!”

Anyway, please, do go on... “It had a head like a man and teeth like an alligator.” That’s a pretty strange combination. Maybe it was The Alligator People. Taro is pleased. “See, the sukkurat,” he says to Viet smugly. The man continues, “My wife saw it, too. For a couple of nights, it was sneaking around our hut. It walks on its hind legs.” “Like a man!?” Taro excitedly asks. “No, like a beast that walks like a man.” Of course, I see the distinction. Well, you know that Frankie Valli song, “Walk like a man, talk like a man, rip apart animals like a sukkurat.” Taro decides the only thing they can do is set traps and try to catch the beast. The rubber-tapper points out that they had already set traps using “young goats” for bait. The doctor says, “If you catch the sukkurat, call me. I’ll sell it to a circus and make a fortune.” He’s a big help. Why did Taro bring him along again?

There is some awkward looking at each other, and then we cut to a storm shaking dome palm trees.

Inside Van Gelder Manor, Barney whips open the doors and dramatically enters from the storm. He strides over to a full length mirror and sees the reflection of a large gorilla. I bet they’re going to do that famous Harpo/Groucho mirror routine from Duck Soup. Well maybe not. It is reminiscent of me in any fitting room. For reasons with which I can completely sympathize, Barney smashes the mirror. Like there’s not enough bad luck in that house.

We move stealthily through the house; this must be Barneycam. We enter the bedroom and Dina is asleep on her bed. Two hairy hands reach out in front of the camera. She stirs, and we retreat. Maybe it’s not Barneycam; she jumps to her feet, grabs a gun from under her pillow (she must have left it for the Gun Fairy), and looks around, and doesn’t see anything. She calls “How Long?” She’s either calling for Witchiepoo or she’s asking how long she has left before she is eaten by creatures.

She hears a noise out in the garden, and opens fire. “Dina, it’s me!” yells Dr. Viet’s voice from the bushes. Oh, like that’s going to stop her. He and Taro enter. She says she was scared, but didn’t know of what. “What did you shoot at?” “I don’t know.” Well, there’s an argument for gun control. Viet asks where Barney is, and she tells him that he has been spending his time in the jungle. Taro seems to grok that right away. “He’s been hunting,” he says. Viet points out that Barney didn’t take his gun—how does he know that, unless he’s referring to the pistol Dina had, but who goes hunting with a revolver?

Taro is drifting off into la-la-land. “He doesn’t need one.” Viet wisely ignores him, and tells Dina about the traps they set to catch the “strange animal.” Taro tells Dina to warn Barney about the traps the next time he goes into the jungle. Viet heaps shame on him. “The next thing you’re going to say is that Barney is the jungle demon.” Well... Still, does it not make sense, Doctor, that if someone is going to be wandering around the jungle, for whatever reason, that they be warned to keep an eye out for traps?

“The sukkurat is only a symbol,” says Taro cryptically. “What are you talking about?” asks Dina, quite rightly.

Dr Viet tells her, “You had better take Barney far away from here.” I thought that had been the plan all along! Says Dina...no, says Taro—huh?: “And what if he doesn’t want to go?” Taro’s off in his own little world right now. He suggests that the next time Barney goes into the jungle, she should accompany him. “But if you should, be sure you go well-armed.” So, more than two? Like an octopus girl?

And sure enough, Annie Oakley wanders through the jungle with a rifle, calling “Barney!” She sees someone moving in the distance. She fires a shot into the air; creatures start freaking out, the “ooh ooh ooh, ah ah ah” creature starts wailing, toucans take wing—I suddenly have a craving for Froot Loops. Barney calls to her. This isn’t good. Where does she find him? Yes, with his leg caught in one of the sukkurat traps. Busted! She helps him out of the trap and escorts him back to the house.

Barney is lying in a chair with How Long bandaging his ankle. He asks why she helped him at the inquest, but she takes off without saying a word. Dina comes over, and he stands. His leg is fine. “That old woman knows her stuff.” Indeed she does. “Better than your quack doctor.” “I had better call my quack doctor,” she says. Enough with the wise quacks.

He then tries to explain. He heard a voice, a strange and beautiful voice, calling him into the jungle. Kate Bush? He had to follow it. “I couldn’t resist. It was getting closer and closer and the next thing I knew, I was in a trap.” Yep, the siren’s song. Literally, because that voice he hears sounds like a fire engine siren. “Let’s go away,” she urges. Once again: hadn’t that been the plan all along? He agrees, and they both make somewhat concrete plans to leave the next day. “Let’s go to Paris,” he says. “I’ll buy you clothes in Paris. And then we’ll go to London.” “And I’ll buy you clothes in London,” she adds. They should be sure to pack extra suitcases. Is she going to buy him an extra gorilla suit?

They declare their love for each other, as long as you’re in my arms, as long as you hold me, yadda yadda yadda. “I’ll always be there.” “Always.” Uh oh. That pretty much heralds their doom. Whenever two characters say they will always be together, that usually means that in about one or two scenes they will never be together ever again.

Meanwhile, How Long is making another drink and talking to her plant again.

The next day, Barney, Dr. Viet, and Sydney Greenstreet are in the parlor. “I’m sorry to see you leave, Barney,” says the doctor. “I haven’t left yet,” says Barney crankily. Yes, but if he waited until you left you wouldn’t be there to hear him say “I’m sorry to see you leave.” Jeesh, what a grouch. Viet asks Barney where they are going. Apparently, Dina’s hot for Rio. I thought they were going to Paris? We also find out that Barney is selling the plantation to Sydney Greenstreet. They are waiting for Taro to come by and notarize the documents. They all muse about how intuitive Taro is, that he’s always there when he needs to be. They then express wonder when he walks in the door. Didn’t they ask him to come and notarize documents? That is uncanny. Someone asks him to come by and he does! Eerie!

At that point, Barney asks the doctor how he can stand to be in the jungle. “I can’t, but I signed a government contract for five years.” That’s an awful long time to spend signing a contract. Couldn’t he remember his name? Or was he having trouble with the date?

The doctor then asks to have a look at Barney’s eyes. “Those pupils worry me.” Barney breaks away, insisting there is northing wrong with him. Taro comes up and says he’ll be glad when the rains come. Didn’t it just rain the previous day?

Taro has the papers that must be signed. Barney hopes these are the final papers he has to sign. “Around here, you don’t sign the final papers,” says Taro. Oh? “That’s right,” says Dr. Viet, “I sign them. I’m the coroner.” Why do they need to have the coroner sign a real estate contract?

In Dina’s room, she is packing. She offers Lorena the clothes she is not taking; Lorena protests. “How Long doesn’t like me to wear those kinds of clothes.” By the looks of it, Dina’s clothes aren’t skimpy and revealing enough for How Long’s tastes, which is rather upsetting. The doctor comes in and says that, now that he sees her packing, he believes she is leaving. Luggage speaks louder than words. She gives to Lorena the wedding dress she wore when she married Klaas. “The past is dead, Viet, stone dead.” And so is Klaas. The doctor says, “I’d like to speak with you alone.” She looks at Lorena, and Lorena freaks out, then apologizes. I guess she likes being nosy.

The doctor seems to think that Barney is on drugs, or, it turns out, “he looks like a man who has been poisoned.” The doctor wants to examine Barney (I bet he does) but they both agree that he’d never stand for it. They could try having him sit down. She runs out to get him.

In the parlor, Sydney Greenstreet and Taro are going through some papers. As Dina walks over, Greenstreet says, “Here I am, with a hundred thousand in cash in my pocket waiting for a man to pick it up.” Oh, dear god, I hope that isn’t an invitation for someone reach into his pocket. No one seems to know where Barney has got to. How Long tells them that she saw him go into the jungle. They all seem to resign themselves to the fact that he won’t be back until morning. Sydney Greenstreet thinks it’s silly, and stalks off, saying “If he wants to sell his plantation tell him to see me at my house.” He also says that Barney should be chided for his bad behavior, “running away without an excuse.” Now, if he had run away with an excuse, perhaps signed by his mother, then that would be another thing entirely.

Taro points out that Dina has the legal authority to sign the papers herself. She replies, “My husband is the boss in this house.” “I wish my wife could hear you say that,” says Sydney Greenstreet. Oh, boo.

Speaking of Barney, he is ambling back through the jungle to the house. He should be singing or humming or something.

I’m an apeman, I’m an ape apeman
I’m an apeman,
I’m a King Kong man, I’m a voodoo man
I’m an apeman
Ill be your Tarzan, you’ll be my Jane
I’ll keep you warm and you’ll keep me sane
And we’ll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day
Just like an apeman

Well, maybe not.

He comes back in the house and she has been waiting for him for two days. He announces that he’s changed his mind, that he is not selling the plantation. “I like it here.” She says she wants to leave, and he says he won’t stop her. She then tells him that he has been poisoned, “Viet is sure of it.” He counters; “He’s been lying to you. I’ve had my eyes open....He’s in love with you.” But if Viet’s motives were selfish and nefarious, wouldn’t he have just not said anything and let Barney be poisoned? “I’m not happy here,” he says, “I’m happy out there, in the jungle. Out there in the jungle, out there, everything’s different.” Yes, I would imagine. Leafier. More bugs. Less furniture. He starts rhapsodizing. “I seem changed. My hands, my eyes.” My pancreas. “I can see further than I’ve ever seen before....I can climb as if I had wings.” I— huh? Do many things with wings actually climb, and are the wings a help? It does conjure up an interesting image. “I can smell a thousand smells.” I’m not sure that would be a selling point. “The animals talk to me, and I understand them.” Uh huh. I think he’s started to go round the bend. And not just the animals, the trees. They talk to me. In fact, I had a four-hour discussion of Hegelian dialectics with a palm frond. It’s incredible.

“Barney,” she says, “go to sleep. You’re tired.” He reluctantly agrees. “Yes, I’m tired.” There is a very odd cutaway to the gang of three rubber-tappers gawking at them through the door. He promises to get some sleep, until night. “When it’s night, I’ll show you the jungle.” No, no, that’s all right. Don’t trouble yourself.

The rubber-tappers knock, and tell Barney they don’t want to work for him anymore, since “it’s not safe” thanks to “an animal.” They ask for their two-weeks’ pay, which Barney happens to have on him. Does he need a big petty cash allowance to wander the jungle? Is there a cover charge? As he hands the money to the rubber-tappers’ spokesman, he notices Barney’s hands. “It looks like dried blood.” We see a close up of Barney’s hands and they are perfectly clean. Perhaps the rubber-tapper was speaking metaphorically.

A short time later, Dina is consulting with Dr. Viet, but good lord, why? He says, “He thinks he’s a jungle animal. What kind of animal?” “He says he can kill,” she says. That narrows it down. Viet does his best to explain things without explaining anything at all. “These natives have many ways to drive a man out of his mind.” I bet Viet has a checklist somewhere; it’s probably his to-do list. “There are drugs that cause hallucinations, schizophrenia, manic depression.” She wonders who would want to poison him. Heck, I’d wonder who wouldn’t want to poison him. “And why?” she asks. The doctor tells her that Taro is convinced that Barney murdered Klaas, and so is Viet. “It was no accident. It was premeditated murder.” Dang, and I thought the snake had been acting alone. And of course, the snake being a reptile, it was cold-blooded murder. What else could it be?

The doctor psychoanalyzes Barney. “Maybe it’s his conscience that’s driving him out if his mind....He believes he is an animal, and has a right to kill.” Do animals really have a right to kill, or do they just do it? And do rights and laws really apply to animals? “Sooner or later, he’ll turn on you.” She looks at him coldly. “I’m not afraid.” Uh huh. “As long as you’re alive, you’ll remind him of his crime.” Sure, and if he kills her, then he’ll no longer be reminded of the first crime, but then something else will remind him of the second crime. Where will it end? Or, more to the point, when will it end? The movie, that is.

“It’s my duty as a doctor to have him placed behind bars,” he says. It is? So is it then the police’s duty to administer drugs and perform surgery? Viet admits that he is in love with her, but she tells him that it’s no use, she is still in love with Barney. It must be his animal magnetism.

Meanwhile, Witchiepoo is fixing another drink.

Dina arrives home, and Barney announces that the servants have all run away and the workers have all quit. He’s got a heck of a management style. He’d be a natural in magazine publishing. “Everyone’s gone, why don’t you leave.” She insists that she is his. “Till death do us part.” “Death can’t touch me,” he says, “I’ve just started to live.” Yeah, that always works out. They quarrel a bit.

He abruptly turns and strides out the door and into the jungle. She is right behind him. They go some distance. “Barney!” she suddenly barks. “How do you like my jungle,” he says. Naturally, like any sensible person, she wants to go back. “I’ll never go back. Never.” She then points a gun at him. “Go ahead, shoot.” He says that they don’t belong together anymore. And he charges off into the foliage. She’s not giving up that easily; “Barneyeyeyeyey,” she howls and plunges in after him.

Back at the house, Dr. Viet wanders in and finds the house abandoned—save for Taro who comes out of How Long’s room with the Plant of Evil. Funny, I would have thought she’d have taken that with her. Ah, but leave it to Taro to root out the truth. Taro explains to Viet about the plant and that “How Long had it all the time. It’s the poison she used on Barney Chavez. She took the law into her own hands.” I thought at the beginning of the movie he said the jungle took the law into its own hands. So, Mr. Police Commissioner, are you changing your story?

Viet doesn’t really care about the plant all that much. “Dina must have followed Barney into the jungle. How will we find them at night?” “I know my jungle,” says Taro, “my senses are those of an animal.” Great. Him, too?

Dina, meanwhile, is wandering through the jungle alone and not enjoying it one bit. She sees a puma up in a tree, freaks out, and shoots it. Viet and Taro are blundering after her. The Barneycam peers at her from behind some bushes.

Viet and Taro hear shots ring out, although they sound more like someone banging a frozen chicken leg on a snare drum. We zoom into Dina’s face as she screams. Unconscious on the ground, she is picked up by a pair of hairy hands. In a cutaway to Viet and Taro, they hear her scream again. I guess she woke up. But then we cut back to Barney the gorilla carrying her inert form, so I guess she passed out again. Either that or the sound editor started making his own movie.

Somehow, Barney the gorilla and Dina the unconscious end up in a tree. Taro and Viet start shooting up into the tree, and after a few round, we hear Barney moan, and the sound of things falling. Viet and Taro come across where they fell. Barney is moving, Dina is not, Barney looks down into a conveniently placed stream, and sees the reflection of the gorilla turn back into his own. However, Taro and Viet are looking right at him and don’t remark that there is anything simian about him. Barney then slumps forward and falls into the water face first. I guess he’s dead. Twas beauty that killed the beast.

Dr. Viet is cradling an inert Dina in his arms. I’m guessing she’s dead, too. Twas beast that killed the beauty. Okay, so then that means, twas beast and beauty that killed beauty and beast. Um...twas a variety of beasts that killed a variety of beauties. Er...twas a breast wearing a bowtie...

Taro stares at the tableau sadly, then turns and walks back into the jungle.

Come on, Taro, bring us on home.

“Like something that has been haunting the world for millions of years, the jungle has risen to punish Barney Chavez for his crime.” No it hadn’t! It was all Witchiepoo.

The end.

If there were a "C" open, I could make "sock" or "mock." Alternately, I could make "maid," "said," "aid," "mad," "sad"... You know, there is rather a lot I could do in Scrabble with "Siodmak."

Anyway.

The utter lack of success of Bride of the Gorilla did not deter others from attempting additional entries in what can loosely be called the “Nature’s Nuptials” series of films in which humans marry cursed man/woman-beasts. Some other, lesser-known titles are:

Groom of the Raven—A man’s young fiancée has a curse put on her by an evil English teacher and is transformed into a raven. This still does not deter her suitor, and they agree to go through with the wedding, although the dress will need to be taken in a bit. However, when it comes time for the bride to say “I do,” she instead says “Nevermore,” ending the proceedings abruptly. Several more attempts at a proper wedding are made, unsuccessfully, and finally they just decide to elope.

Best Man of the Aardvark—How that curse got going takes rather a lot of explaining, but ultimately, a young woman is wedded successfully to her sweetheart—who has been transformed into an aardvark by an insane Terminix exterminator. The only glitch in the otherwise beautiful and flawlessly executed event occurred in the best man’s toast at the reception. An off-color reference to the groom’s extensile tongue was, ironically, deemed in bad taste, and cast rather a pall over the event. However, things perked up when it was discovered that the hall hosting the reception had a termite problem, and the groom sneaked off to the basement and gorged himself.

Wedding Planner of the Humpbacks—In this attempt to create the genre which could tentatively be called “curse comedy” (see Teen Wolf and Teen Wolf Too for other woefully unsuccessful attempts at this genre), hijinks abound as the titular wedding planner has to organize a wedding in which both the bride and groom have been transformed into humpback whales. Compounding matters is the fact that the bride’s family is adamant that the ceremony take place in St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York. How does one install an enormous water tank in an urban cathedral? Happily, her job is made that much easier with the discovery of a company in San Francisco that mysteriously started manufacturing transparent aluminum in the mid-1980s. Said one reviewer, ”You went a long way to make a lame Star Trek IV reference.”

Posted 02/13/09

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