Crash of Moons

By Richard Romano

Crash of Moons is, like Menace from Outer Space, another “movie” comprising stitched-together episodes of the 1954 syndicated TV series Rocky Jones, Space Ranger. United Worlds pilots Rocky Jones and Winky (who apparently has just the one name, like an apostle) are joined on their adventures by navigator/space babe Vena, 10-year-old whiz kid Bobby, and senior-moment-personified Professor Newton.

Yeah, the Rocky Jones show was really low-budget, the writing is pretty lame, and the acting on a community theater level, but it has a certain charm and I confess I do kind of like these movies. I guess it would fall into that category of “quaint science fiction,” for want of a better term.

Crash of Moons has also been variously titled The Crash of Moons, Crash of the Moons, The Crash of the Moons, The Crash the of Moons, The Crash the of the Moons, The the the the Crash of the the the Moons the, and The The of the The. I think that covers all the bases. The.

And we’re off. And it’s Casino Night here on Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, as space station Roulette Wheel 001 spins silently in the night. Inside the wheel, Vena Ray, Bobby, and Professor Newton join space croupier Andrews in talking into a giant black pickle. “Thanks for the buggy ride,” says Vena in her sexy space voice. Ah, that would be the blimp-like transport ship that is pulling away. And then..oh, wait, that’s the end of that scene. Okay, moving right along...

Somewhere else, an erector set building stands alone. Ah, if I recall Menace from Outer Space, this is main building on the planet Ophiuchus, which is ruled by ice queen Cleolanta. And, yep, she’s still in power. She is busy ripping Secretary Drake a new one. Secretary Drake, you may recall, is the leader of the United Worlds of the Solar System and the inventor of the Drake’s Cake. He is flanked by Winky and Rocky, and is distraught that his name does not end with the letter “y.” To make him feel at home, perhaps they can call him Drakey. At any rate, Drake is trying to get Ophiuchus to join the United Worlds. (By the way, there is a real constellation called Ophiuchus and if the planet Ophiuchus orbits any of the stars in it, it’s decidedly not in the Solar System. For example, the brightest star in Ophiuchus is alpha Ophiuchi which is located 47 light years from Earth. I’m just sayin’.)

Anyway, Cleolanta doesn’t want anything to do with Earth. And one could hardly blame her. Drake suggests that Earth may be able to help Ophiuchus, although we’re not entirely certain with what. “Cleolanta needs no help from any man.” Well, there are women on Earth, too. “Our planet Ophiuchus is strong. It needs no help from your planet.” Uh huh. Just wait until she can’t get the lid off the pickle jar. Then we’ll see who needs help. Adds Rocky, “You’re depriving your people of great benefits, Cleolanta.” Exactly. She’s missing out on KFC, Dancing with the Stars, and Britney Spears. And— Well, okay, she’s got a point.

“Rocky Jones, you are presumptuous,” she says. “Everything my people need is right here on Ophiuchus.” And they don’t have to pay for shipping. She then gives them one hour to get off her planet or they’ll all be destroyed. It’s a good thing they didn’t drop off their dry cleaning while on Ophiuchus. She starts one of those chess match timers. After 10 seconds have elapsed, she says, “59 minutes remain.” Yikes, I guess they are using Ophiuchian units of time measurement. She tells one of the guards, “Train the guns on their spaceship.” But do they have time to complete a training program before they have to leave? Drakey, Rocky, and Winky leave. “We’re wasting our precious minutes,” says Winky. Any minute spent listening to Winky is wasted, when it comes right down to it.

The Orbit Jet blasts off from Ophiuchus. In the cockpit, Winky goes on. “Cleolanta! A stubborn woman if ever I saw one.” Can we fire him out of an airlock? “Winky, you can’t argue with self-sufficient people like that.” Huh? Yeah, those self-sufficient bastards, not needing anything from stocky space secretaries. Feh! But then Drake himself is so self-sufficient that he doesn’t even need a chair and will stand the whole way. Winky does go on: “Me, I’m a friendly guy. I like my neighbors.” Yes, Winky, I but I seriously doubt that the feeling is mutual. “How about a game of cards? Can I borrow a cup of sugar?” Got any smack? Etc.

Rocky has had rather enough of this banter and picks up the phone, desperate to talk to anyone but Winky. “This is Orbit Jet to space station OW-9.” OW? Ow! There must be a lot of sharp, serrated-edged objects on that station. It’s the big roulette wheel that is space station OW-9. Maybe whoever named it was on a bad losing streak. Or they changed it from Black-9.

On OW-9, Vena picks up the phone. Apparently, Rocky wasn’t expecting the whole gang to be there, and Vena uses a deep husky voice to answer. Then it’s Bobby’s turn. I guess in the future, humanity’s propensity for good practical jokes will disappear. “What the matter with Andrews?” asks Winky. “Does he have a mouth full of crackers or something?” Does eating crackers make someone sound like a woman or a 10-year-old? “Goodness gracious, we’ve befuddled Rocky!” exults Professor Newton, slapping his thigh. And Professor Newton has bepuddled the floor of the space station. It takes Winky to give away the game that it’s actually Vena, Bobby, and Professor Newton on the space station. Boy, they went a long way for this. You know, I’m with Cleolanta right about now.

“Say,” says Rocky, “what are you doing on space station OW-9?” Gambling, of course. And the drinks are free. Says Professor Newton, “We’re here to greet old friends. Rotunda, Bavarro, and Torvac.” Rotunda? Former New York Giants tight end Mark Bavaro? Torvac? Wasn’t he the industrial vacuum cleaner guy from Fornax in Menace from Outer Space? (Oh, wait, that was Zorovac. My mistake.) Winky and Rocky are confused. “Have they managed to build a spaceship of their own?” asks Winky. “No,” says the Professor, “the Gypsy Moons Poseta and Nagato are entering our Solar System.” Hidemasa Nagata, the producer of the Gamera movies? The moons, it seems, will be passing close by the station. “Not close enough to wave, but close enough to talk,” says Bobby. Ah.

Rocky is concerned. The space station will pass right between the moons. That’s apparently not a good thing. Rocky freaks out, and tells Winky to head for OW-9. Rocky then charges into the back of the ship and sits down at a drafting table. Rocky! This is no time to design your guest house! He draws a few lines with a protractor and has the answer. “The atmosphere chain between the two moons.” He explains at length how he calculated that the space station will pass between the two moons. Didn’t Bobby just say that already? Fine, so Rocky doesn’t take anyone’s word for anything. What’s the big deal? “The atmosphere chain will envelop the space station, and it was built only to stand in space. The sudden wash of atmosphere could destroy it.” I guess “ow” is right. “I don’t know if we can reach space station OW-9 in time to evacuate.” Ow.

Back on OW-9, Bobby’s little pea brain is working as hard as it can. “I can’t understand Rocky not being excited about the Gypsy Moons.” Kid, in your entire life, have you ever seen Rocky display even the merest scintilla of emotion? Vulcans are more emotionally demonstrative than Rocky. Vena suggests that maybe Secretary Drake got mad at Rocky because the three of them left Earth without orders. That’s all you could come up with? Concurs Professor Newton, “That’s the only reason I can think of.” Like that’s saying anything.

Rocky calls and tells Andrews to summon back the ship that just left. “And remind Professor Newton about the atmosphere chain.” This flummoxes Professor Newton for a while, then he finally gets it. “Of course! How stupid of me....Oh, Vena, I’ve made a terrible blunder. I’ve led you and Bobby into great peril. The OW-9 is going to be destroyed.” Ow. It takes them a while, but they finally figure out why they’re doomed. Unfortunately, the transport ship that left earlier can’t be reached. Yep, they’re screwed. “Rocky,” pleads Professor Newton, “forgive my blunder. All I could think of was seeing our friends on the Gypsy Moons.” You can tell from Rocky’s expression that he’s thinking, “It’s time the Professor was put in a home.” “By the way Rocky,” I can imagine the Professor adding, “I also left both my oven and my iron on, as well as the bathtub running, and a large fire blazing on my couch.” “I understand, Professor,” says Rocky noncommittally, then hangs up. Yep, he understands that the Professor is now officially past it.

The Orbit Jet speeds to the rescue.

Everyone is so concerned about Vena, Bobby, and the professor, but what about that poor guy Andrews? He would have been on the space station anyway. Is he an acceptable loss?

Winky babbles on about destroying meteors, which seems largely irrelevant. Drake asks, “These inhabitants on the Gypsy Moons, do they know their position?” “No, without a fixed position in space, they’re unable to make astronomy an exact science.” Neither can Professor Newton. And, well, nothing—not even Earth—has a fixed position in space.

And then, like two gumballs in space, come the Gypsy Moons.

A gypsy of a strange and distant time
Traveling in panic all direction blind
Aching for the warmth of a burning sun
Freezing in the emptiness of where he’d come from
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Left without a hope of coming home

On one of the Moons, Poseta, whose primary design motif is electric bolts, Bavarro (played by John Banner) arrives home from a busy day at Stalag 13. Thunder crashes in the sky. I do wonder how there can be life on a moon that wanders through space and doesn’t actually orbit a sun, but perhaps it’s best to not overanalyze this.

A baby cries off-camera, and Bavarro is concerned. “Rotunda?” he calls. Ah, I see, he was having a rotunda added to his house. Interesting choice for residential architecture, but no weirder than the electric bolts everywhere. “What is the matter with our son?” he asks. Yeah, that is weird; babies never cry. Maybe he’s concerned because they’re not on a plane and it’s a waste of a lot of noise that could be easily spent annoying other passengers. Oh, but I digress...

Bavarro charges into the other room where Rotunda, his wife (who looks like Trixie from The Honeymooners), doesn’t know how to make the kid stop crying. “He seems to be afraid,” says Bavarro helpfully, “something has frightened him.” Maybe it’s the idea of a situation comedy about Nazi prisoner-of-war camps? Or maybe it’s all the lightning bolts in the room. “It’s all right, Rotunda. Our little prince is just strengthening his voice.” Obviously. Must he do it so loudly? “I wonder if Rocky Jones will find our Gypsy Moons again.” Whoa, that was a weird conversational leap. Does he always have Rocky Jones at the top of his mind? Is the baby named Rocky Jones? Did he cry out the name Rocky Jones while he was conceiving the child?

“He seems to be trying to tell us something,” says Rotunda. No! Really? My suspicion is I don’t want any further details on what exactly it is he is trying to tell them.

Meanwhile, back at the OW-9, Andrews calls Rocky. “I’m starting to pick up the Gypsy Moons on our radar vex.” How vexing. In the Orbit Jet, it has been hours and Secretary Drake still has not sat down. It must be some sort of ailment. Perhaps he forgot to bring his inflatable doughnut. Or he finds Winky to be a pain in the ass.

Professor Newton is excited that now they can get the Gypsy Moons on the visiograph. They watch the moons get closer and closer, a spark of lightning shooting across the atmosphere chain like a Van Der Graaf Generator. Whatever would Robert have said? They stare bug-eyed at their imminent doom...

Some time later, the Orbit Jet is speeding through space, Secretary Drake still standing. They don’t call him Old Iron Ankles for nothing. Rocky again has to explain to Winky what the problem is about the atmosphere chain and the space station. Larry Gonick couldn’t make it clear enough for Winky to grasp. “She’ll be carried off like a barn door in a hurricane.” Winky almost understands it. Perhaps they should demonstrate on Winky.

The tension mounts as the moons draw nearer to the space station. Finally, the atmosphere surrounds the station, and it starts to twist and jolt. Ow. Inside, everyone starts to flop about. Vena goes flying against the wall. Bobby is oddly forced in the other direction. Andrews topples over in his chair. Ow. Professor Newton just sort of sits there clinging to the table.

The Orbit Jet speeds closer. Andrews gets run over by a desk. Rocky has the bright idea of ramming into the landing platform and pushing the station out of the atmosphere chain. Um, is that really a good idea? Ow. Granted, it would be a good way of getting rid of the entire cast in one fell swoop.

Rocky calls the space station. “Throw on your magnetic lock. I’m going to try for the landing berth!” The magnetic lock is activated by lowering a large black crossbeam from the ceiling and staring at it intently.

The Orbit Jet arrives and forces its nose into the landing tube of the space station. Winky then gives it full thrust. Again I ask, is this really a good idea? Say what you will, but it worked. The OW-9 is pushed along to safety.

On Poseta, Barvarro and Rotunda amble outside and look up. They had recorded a disturbance in the atmosphere chain, but do not know what it was. What is he, Obi-Wan Kenobi all of a sudden? He asks Rotunda how the baby is. “As Rocky Jones would say, ‘In the sleep of the happy.’” They are rather obsessed with Rocky Jones. Is he some sort of deity on Poseta? Are they sure the kid is Bavarro’s? And has Rocky Jones ever in his life said anything as flowery as that?

Back up in space, I would imagine they now have to try mightily to unwedge the Orbit Jet from the OW-9’s landing tube. Good luck. Drake and Andrews exchange some banter about how the space station looks like the room of a new cadet. Ha ha ha. At any rate, the OW-9 will be “as good as new.” Whew! I was worried about that.

In the other room, Professor Newton explains how he and Vena have plotted the Gypsy Moons’ course. “We should realize that the Gypsy Moons can present a very grave problem.” Shouldn’t someone have done this a long time ago? There is then a great deal of blather and Professor Newton tries to explain how the Gypsy Moons’ orbit is not like a normal planet’s orbit. “The planets in the solar system travel around the Sun,” he says. “And the Gypsy Moons travel around each other,” adds Rocky. “And because of this, they can be far more dangerous.” No, actually it’s because the Gypsy Moons as a single planetary system are traveling through space. What they are doing vis-à-vis each other is not entirely relevant. (Actually, the Pluto-Charon system in our own Solar System is somewhat similar, as it comprises a binary system whose barycenter is not located in either body. If Professor Newton were really smart he would know this.)(Please help me.) Anyway, is there some other professor they can consult? Where’s the other non-doddering one who was in Menace from Outer Space?

“I see what you mean, Professor Newton,” says Rocky, while at the same time thinking, “Where are those commitment papers?” Rocky adds, “While the Gypsy Moons aren’t large, the orbit they describe is.” “Like children on a playground,” chimes in Vena. Say what? Rocky and Winky look at each other. The first guy who says “Women!” is going to get it. “What’s that, Vena?” Rocky says tactfully. She and Bobby demonstrate. This should be good. “They way they move is like two children on a playground.” Poseta is beating up Nagato and stealing its lunch money? “Bobby is Poseta and I’m the other moon Nagato. Our arms are the atmosphere chain.” And she and Bobby twirl around. “But if I spin myself, I don’t cover nearly as much area.”

“Sure,” says Winky, “I get it.” Yeah, right. Get out the sock puppets to try to get it through his thick skull. “Now, this is my great concern, Rocky,” says Professor Newton. “This space station has no bathrooms.” Oh— “Magnify this by tens of thousands of miles and you see what tremendous danger we are confronted with.” The Solar System is orders of magnitude bigger than “tens of thousands of miles” but, again, shouldn’t someone have thought of this some time ago? If they’ve all had enough contact with these moons that Rocky Jones can be some sort of demigod there, then surely someone could have said, “Oh, hey, these things might move in a certain direction and hit stuff.”

Professor Newton has Bobby demonstrate this by hurling Vena against a bulkhead. Fortunately, Secretary Drake enters at that exact moment, and Vena collides with him. Say! Is that an atmosphere chain or are you just happy to be here?

“Mr. Secretary!” says Bobby, “I’m sorry!” Not half as sorry as Secretary Drake is. “What’s going on here?” “It seems, Mr. Secretary, that you are a planet,” Winky starts, and with a start like that you know that sentence won’t end well. There is a faux comic moment as Winky tries to sort it all out. It’s best to just move on. And we fade out just as Secretary Drake is about to smash Winky over the head with a radar set.

Some time later, on the Orbit Jet, Vena brings in a navigational map and tells Rocky where they can intercept Poseta. “How is Professor Newton coming with the charting of the future of the Gypsy Moons?” “He’s through the 10th of next month.” Does that mean he has only calculated their position as of the 10th of next month, or does that mean that he will be finished doing the calculations on the 10th of next month? Knowing Professor Newton, it could go either way.

In the back of the ship, Professor Newton slams down his pencil. “I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!” he says. “My degree was in home ec. No wonder I have no idea what I’m doing.” Oh, wait— “Perhaps there’s some little mistake,” says Bobby. Like Bobby. “Yes, perhaps there is,” says Professor Newton, all excited over the prospect that he screwed up again. “I’ll go back and check my figures.” Great, the safety of the Solar System depends on a dippy old professor and a 10-year-old. Some future.

On Poseta, Rocky Jones calls—and his voice booms through the air without any kind of radio receiver. Maybe he is god. “Bavarro!” says Rotunda. “It’s Rocky Bones.” Rocky Bones? “Rotunda!” chides Bavarro, “we were going to speak their language.” As opposed to...what, exactly? That silly accent? “It is Squawky Jones.” “No, no, Rocky Moans,” says Rotunda. I swear I am not making that up. But...haven’t they been saying his name perfectly all along?

They finally make contact with the ship. There is some more feeble comedy involving Bavarro’s attempt at speaking English. Winky gets in on the act, which is never a good thing. “We’re in the ellipse of your moon,” says Rocky, putting an end to the whole thing. “Landing time 0214.” Wheels down is quarter past two, but they’ll probably have to sit on the runway for a while and wait for a gate to open up. “Hurry up, Rocky!” exults Bavarro. “This is so clandinto!” Which apparently means “wonderful” in Posetan. “Clamdinto” is a Posetan seafood dish. You can make some awkward mistakes on Poseta.

At that moment, Professor Newton and Bobby enter, distraught. Professor Newton shakes his head. Yep, he’s officially shrinking and is now almost down to Bobby’s height. Sad, really. Bobby, as it happens, stopped growing some years ago. No one is entirely certain why.

The Orbit Jet touches down, and Vena races out to greet Bavarro and Rotunda. “Contombo, Rocky!” That is actually a Posetan dance. Oh, it just means “hello.” See the kinds of mistakes you can make? “I have such wonderful news to share!” bellows Bavarro. He’s pregnant again? The rest of them watch Bavarro from the bridge of the ship and try to keep from recoiling in horror. “You see how happy he is,” says Professor Newton. “I couldn’t bring myself to tell her.” Her? Is he getting his genders confused again? Or is Bavarro a hermaphrodite? “Could there be any mistake, Professor?” asks Rocky. No, Bavarro really is a hermaphrodite. Oh, I see what you mean. That’s always a good question to ask of Professor Newton.

Now we get to the crux of the biscuit: Poseta is on a collision course with Ophiuchus. “I’ve double-checked my equations, Rocky,” says the Professor. Uh huh. And we know how well that worked out last time. They make fun of Cleolanta for not needing anyone’s help—she’ll need it now. Ha ha ha. And Drake adds, “For Bavarro, his moon is a place of beauty. His whole world.” There’s no need to be metaphorical—it is his whole world by virtue of it being the planet he lives on. They go to break the news to Bavarro.

Vena is oohing and aahing over Bavarro’s baby. “He’s beautiful,” she says. “Beautiful!” protests Bavarro. “His mother is beautiful. My son is strong.” Like Bam-Bam. “All right,” Vena concedes, “beautiful and strong.” That pleases Bavarro.

The doorbell rings and Bavarro rushes to get it. He effusively greets Rocky and “Booby.” Yeah. Bavarro imagines his own son growing up to be a fine boy like Bobby. That’s setting the bar pretty low. “Or he could be a brave man like Rocky Jones,” and be devoid of any emotions or facial expressions. Rocky then introduces Secretary Drake. “Or my son could be a great leader like Secretary Drake.” But does he have the ankles for it? Now it’s Newton’s turn. “Or my son could be ancient and doddering and unable to add two numbers without getting the answer wrong.”

And then it’s Winky’s turn in the hot seat. “Winky!” exults Bavarro. “If there were any chance my son would grow up to be anything like Winky I’d strangle him in his crib right this second!” Well, okay, maybe not. Still, Bavarro struggles to find some redeeming feature in Winky. “Or...my son could have a huge heart and a wonderful twinkle in his eye.” Nice save, but no one’s buying it.

They now have to break the bad news to Bavarro. “The way the Gypsy Moons travel in space, well, it’s an astronomical phenomenon,” says Newton. “What is phemon...” asks Bavarro. “Something unusual,” Rocky erroneously responds. (Merriam-Webster defines “phenomenon” as “an observable fact or event.” So there.) And now for the bad news. Rocky says, “On the 19th of next month, Poseta will crash into Ophiuchus. Both will be destroyed.” Well, that makes Bavarro a tad less affable.

In the other room, Rotunda tells Vena, “In some strange way, our baby knew about Poseta’s tragedy before Rocky told us.” Of course he did.

Adds Bavarro, “How the people of Ophiuchus must hate us.” Oh, I wouldn’t take it personally. Cleolanta’s not too fond of anyone.

Bavarro asks if Ophiuchus has started their evacuation yet. Nope. They haven’t even been told yet. “Ophiuchus is ruled by an arrogant woman who won’t let her people know of life on other planets and moons,” says Secretary Drake. “Even the possession of an astrophone is punishable by death,” adds Rocky. And don’t even try talking on an astrophone while driving on Ophiuchus.

Rocky barks his orders. Secretary Drake and Bavarro will meet with Torvac, the ruler of Nagato, while Professor Newton, Vena, and Bobby will stay on Poseta. Bobby chimes in, “Couldn’t we rig up a space anchor for Poseta and call the whole thing off?” “If we only could, Bobby,” says Rocky condescendingly. Sure, Professor Newton screws up everything and no one says anything, but Bobby makes a slightly reasonable suggestion and they rip him a new one. Jeez.

Rocky and Winky head to Ophiuchus.

Meanwhile, on Ophiuchus (which is apparently just the one building), Cleolanta’s lieutenant Atlasan is strutting around his living room, which is oddly decorated with beach chairs. They must have some really high tides on Ophiuchus. “Trinka!” he calls. Trinka, his wife, enters. She must be on her way to some kind of costume party, as her dress has wings protruding from the shoulders. I wonder what kind of lift she can get with those? “I have a private audience with Cleolanta,” boasts Atlasan. For his one-man show? “My Sousaphone has great plans for me.” What? Oh, right, suzerain.

“Aren’t you proud of me?” he asks. She looks at him. “We used to have plans, too, Atlasan. We were going to leave Ophiuchus and see how other people live.” Not in that outfit you’re not. “To me, Ophiuchus comes first,” says Atlasan. “You’re talking as foolishly as a child.” Don’t say that around Bavarro. His child speaks like a Nobel laureate, apparently. He leaves in a huff. That’s a magic marriage they’ve got.

After he’s gone, Trinka closes the blinds and gets out her secret astrophone set. “Breaker, breaker! This is Hot Wings! Rabbit ears! Hammer down!”

The Orbit Jet approaches Ophiuchus, and Rocky tries to get a message through. “Cleolanta always jams and garbles our messages,” says Winky. Well, yeah, your messages. And for good reason; they’re usually filthy. Basically Ophiuchus has one big spam filter. I’m jealous. Rocky explains that he will try to get a message through to the underground. “See, there’s an underground faction in favor of joining the United Worlds. If they have a secret astrophone set, they can relay my message to Cleolanta.” Sure, right before they’re executed. Good plan, Rocky.

He gets on the astrophone. “This is Rocky Jones in the Space Ranger ship Orbit Jet.” His ship needs a cooler name than “Orbit Jet.” Trinka picks up his message. “Rocky Jones!” she coos, and her bat wings flutter with excitement. “Learn this,” Rocky goes on, “the moons Poseta and Nagato are traveling in our Solar System.” Whose Solar System? Ours? Is there a planet Ophiuchus in the Solar System? Anyway, Rocky explains how the moons will crash into Ophiuchus and that everyone must be evacuated. “United World will offer every possible assistance.”

Trinka’s bat wings are so sensitive that they can sense that Atlasan is about to return, so she quickly hides her astrophone. Sure enough, he comes back in, apologizing for being a colossal dink. “As you know, I’m ambitious. And I love Ophiuchus.” He’s a poet and he doesn’t even know it. “I also love you, Trinka. Which is the greater love, I don’t know.” He always knows how to say just the right thing. They embrace, just as Rocky’s voice comes over the hidden astrophone. That killed the moment. Atlasan finds the astrophone. “You must listen to what the voice is saying!” Oh, she’s always saying that. Atlasan destroys the astrophone. I feel that way about my cellphone. He marches her out the door.

In the Orbit Jet, they fear no one has heard the message, and prepare to land.

Atlasan rats out his own wife to Cleolanta. Yowza. There’s gonna be no dancing when they get home. “Who else is part of this conspiracy?” Cleolanta asks. “No one. I only wanted to hear how other people live.” And pick up the Jack Benny Program. “You answer my suzerain’s questions and not one more word!” Atlasan illogically orders. “That’s very good, Atlasan,” says Cleolanta. He is a kiss-ass. Someone calls in and tells Cleolanta that a ship is landing. “That’s Rocky Jones!” says Trinka. “You must listen to him.” They march out to the other room and watch the ship descend. Cleolanta orders Atlasan to fire at it. Fortunately for Rocky and Winky, Atlasan couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.

As Atlasan is about to try again, Trinka grabs his soldering iron out of his holster (oh, it’s a gun) and trains it on him. “Don’t fire again or I shall have to kill you.” There aren’t enough marriage counselors in the world for these two. Cleolanta orders him again to fire. He gleefully obeys, and Trinka instead turns the gun on Cleolanta, who clams up pretty quickly. No one fires, and the ship lands. Atlasan manages to disarm her, and the guard (wait, where was he during that whole exchange?) takes her away. Trinka pleads to her husband, who is starting to think that maybe he’s made a few mistakes.

Rocky and Winky descend out of the ship. “Hey, Rocky, you ever get the feeling you’re about to get slugged?” Winky always has that feeling, and for very good reason. “No matter what happens, Winky, don’t fire.” Fire what? Cleolanta, Atlasan, and the guard (who has returned), watch Rocky and Winky on the monitor and exchange weird smiles with each other. Okay. Cleolanta orders Rocky and Winky killed. Yes!

Rocky and Winky approach a door. “I don’t see a welcome mat. Or even a doorbell.” Remember what you were saying about feeling like you were about to get slugged? This is largely why. They call out, receive a response, then climb up two conveniently placed scaffolds on either side of the door. It’s thus pretty easy for Rocky and Winky to jump Atlasan and the other guard. There is a modest fracas, and Rocky and Winky get out their guns and order the Ophiuchians to take them to Cleolanta.

Back on Poseta, Professor Newton is talking into the iron, for some reason. Hoo boy, he’s slipping fast. Oh, I see, that’s actually some kind of Posetan astrophone. Newton hangs up and tells Vena and Rotunda that the meeting on Nagato has been successful, and that all the Posetans can relocate there. So only Poseta is going to be adversely affected by the impact? Um, won’t Nagato get hit by debris, or at the very least be violently dislodged from its orbit around Poseta—neither of which would be very good. Again, perhaps it’s best not to overanalyze this.

On Ophiuchus, Rocky is pacing and laying down the law. The United Worlds will help evacuate the Ophiuchians to a new world “that will be mutually agreed upon.” “They will tell me where to take my people?” Cleolanta protests. I guess she is unfamiliar with the term “mutually agreed upon.” “No, they will only advise.” Rocky is about to leave. “Let me talk alone to my lieutenant, Atlasan, and Less Fun.” What? Less Fun must be the guard. The Ophiuchians leave the room, and Cleolanta opens a little spy window outside. She twists a knob—filling the other room with gas. Atlasan tries to protest. “If word of the crash of moons leaked out there would be panic here on Ophiuchus.” It’s hard to see why. In the room, Rocky and Winky smell the gas. “Quick, Winky, cover your face.” That’s always a wise idea. They try to escape, but the door is locked. They collapse to the floor, unconscious.

“Come, Atlasan, we will make our own plans,” says Cleolanta.

Less Fun enters Cleolanta’s office with Rocky’s chart and confirms that Poseta and Ophiuchus will crash. “I won’t allow it,” she says. Can she order them not to crash? Less Fun must be Ophiuchus’ dogcatcher, since his epaulettes are large plastic dog paws. “Should we ask the United Worlds for help to speed the evacuation?” Less Fun asks. “Never!” she responds. Saw that one coming. Atlasan suggests firing tritanic missiles at Poseta which will either destroy Poseta or change its course. He has a point; just don’t tell Bavarro about it. She likes the idea, but suggests destroying Poseta before everyone has been evacuated. “We act only for self-preservation!” Cleolanta insists. She soaks herself in brine every night. “Yes, my suzerain,” Atlasan grudgingly agrees.

Atlasan slips out and spies on his own wife sleeping in her nicely furnished cell. He turns some knobs, and she wakes up. He enters the cell, and suddenly she is sound asleep again. He shakes her, and she re-awakens. “Atlasan, tell me we are home and that this has been a dream. I want to hear you laugh and say ‘forget your dream.’” Has he ever laughed in his life? Although I do believe that he often tells her to “forget your dream.”

He tries to explain that he was only doing what was right for Ophiuchus. She immediately asks if he has killed Rocky Jones. What is it with that guy that everyone on every planet is obsessed with him? He reassures her that he hasn’t. Atlasan goes on about how “I will be a great man in the history of our planet, the one who saved Ophiuchus.” He does have delusions of grandeur, doesn’t he? He explains the plan, and she is concerned that there are people on Poseta. “That can’t be helped,” he says. At that moment, Cleolanta pages him. Trinka makes one request before he dashes off. “Try to warn those people on Poseta. Give them a chance to live.” “Trinka, I’m only obeying Cleolanta’s orders.” Funny, that’s the kind of thing you’d expect to hear John Banner saying. He leaves, she goes back to sleep, and he gives her one last peak through the spy window. That seems kind of creepy.

She gets up and goes to the door, and opens it just as Atlasan was about to re-enter. “Trinka,” he says, “you’re a great deal wiser than I am.” Protozoa are a great deal wiser than he is. “You do whatever you think is best, but please be careful.” They start to kiss, but they hear a giant clog dancer approaching, and she scurries back into the room.

As Atlasan and Cleolanta take off, Trinka paces back and forth. If she gets up enough speed, I bet she could get airborne. She sneaks out the door just as Less Fun comes marching down the hallway. She ducks back inside and pretends to be asleep just as he peeks in. He stands outside her door, pondering, trying to calculate her wingspan. As he has his back to the door, she opens the door. Oops! Less Fun is lost in thought, and strides away, oblivious to her. Whew!

She sneaks down the hall and peeks in on Rocky and Winky. She turns the gas off, but just that moment Less Fun again charges down the corridor and she manages to elude him by hiding behind a tiny beam directly in front of him. It’s a good thing he was obsessively adjusting the cuff of his jacket and wasn’t paying attention to anything else. An effective guard, he is.

She goes into Rocky and Winky’s room as they wake up. “Watch that window. If it starts to open, you must pretend to be unconscious.” “Huh?” asks Winky. He will have no problem with that. She quickly ushers Rocky out of the room, leaving Winky to wrestle with his hangover all by himself. Just another morning for Scotty Beckett. She takes Rocky back to her own cell, just as Less Fun again charges down the hallway right to her spy window. Rocky crouches down under the window, while she darts back to the couch and pretends to be asleep. Whew, that was close.

She gets up as Rocky clears his head. “I’m Trinka,” she says. He looks at her, apparently marveling at the structural engineering that went into her outfit. “They call me a traitor to Ophiuchus. I had an astrophone to listen to your voice.” You can tell that he doesn’t look anything like the way she pictured him. Isn’t it always the way? She explains what Cleolanta and Atlasan are up to. So now Trinka is ratting out her husband to Rocky. “Oh, Rocky, if only you could get to your spaceship.” “Yeah, if.” Well, go do it.

Meanwhile, Less Fun goes to peek in on Rocky and Winky’s room. Winky notices the spy window opening, and he sproings back onto the couch like a cartoon character. That’s convincing. What’s also less than convincing is that Rocky is missing. However, Less Fun is pretty slow to catch on that Winky is not two people. He thinks for a moment, then returns to the window. Winky notices, then falls back onto the couch, but this time on his stomach. He’s really not clear on the concept, is he? Even Less Fun figures this one out, and charges into the room.

Winky jumps up and belts Less Fun. Less Fun retaliates by kicking Winky in the...well, in the winky, actually. Rocky and Trinka emerge from her room, and Rocky trips another guy—Thomas Edison, by the looks of it—as he is running down the hall. He and Edison start fighting. He knocks the Wizard of Menlo Park to the ground as another guard runs in and joins the fray. Meanwhile, Winky and Less Fun are still battling it out. They take the fight into the hall, and Winky manages to knock out Less Fun. Trinka drags Less Fun’s body into the room and turns on the gas.

Thomas Edison gets up and fights Rocky again. Rocky gives Edison one final belt, and Thomas Edison keels over backwards right into Winky’s waiting arms. Winky hauls Edison into the gas room. I wonder if Thomas Edison invented that whole gas security system. Another guard goes down, and into the gas room with him.

Rocky tells Trinka they need to get to the ship. Rocky runs off. Trinka stops. “Winky!” She runs into the gas room where Winky is about keel over. She rescues him just in time. Why?!? I bet that was Rocky’s plan all along.

They all run back to the Orbit Jet, and Trinka straps herself into a Barcalounger in the back of the ship. As they take off, Winky asks, “Who is that luscious trail of stardust anyway?” Oh, brother. They should have left him in the gas room. Rocky glares at him. “Trinka’s a married woman, Winky.” Winky is disappointed. And if Trinka had been on the bridge with them, a frisson of terror would have shivered down her spine.

And away they go.

Back on Poseta, the little prince is howling away, largely because Professor Newton is peering down into the pram. Professor Newton wanders back out into the other room and explains that the kid’s problem is not physical but is the result of his sense of danger. Oh, so now Professor Newton is a pediatrician? Great, something else he can be completely wrong about.

Says Rotunda, “But there are still 14 days before our moon Poseta crashes into Ophiuchus. he must not be allowed to cry all that time.” Obviously, she’s never been on an international flight. Give him a binkie or something.

Meanwhile, Professor Newton looks like he is about to be struck by lightning. Zot! “Maybe when we’re safe on Nagato he will stop.” Professor Newton concurs. Yeah, that‘ll do it. Newton and Rotunda go back into the baby’s room. Says Bobby, “I don’t think it’s the crash of moons that’s bothering him. It’s got something to do with Rocky and Winky.” Of course it does. Maybe it’s because the kid hasn’t been fed in three weeks. A troubled look comes over Vena’s face and she embraces Bobby. “What an utter moron,” she is thinking.

Up in space, Cleolanta and Atlasan are hurtling toward their rendezvous with Poseta. She is glaring at him. “Atlasan, at this glorious moment, you are so quiet.” Is he supposed to be nattering endlessly? Still, he does seem to be fairly morose. Maybe genocide just isn’t his thing. To each his own. They arrive at Poseta, and target the moon.

On Poseta, the phone rings, and Bobby answers. It’s Rocky. “Gosh, Rocky, it’s you.” Vena comes in. “I was wrong, Vena, it’s Rocky.” What? “Now, listen carefully, Bobby,” says Rocky. “I’m going to start hitting Winky and I have no idea when or even if I will ever stop.” “You’ll have to talk up,” says Bobby, “the little prince is crying so loud that—” And at that moment, the building shakes and Bobby falls to the floor. Wow, that is loud.

It was the first tritanic missile. The Orbit Jet veers to intercept the Ophiuchian ship. A second missile demolishes the baby’s room, and Rotunda is pinned under falling debris. Rotunda suggests they get the baby to the underground shelter. Bobby and Vena take the baby and run, while Professor Newton tries to extricate Rotunda.

The Orbit Jet pulls up behind Cleolanta’s ship and fires right into their tailpipe. Rocky calls Cleolanta. “Your ship has been crippled, a perfect target for a missile from the Orbit Jet. So stop the bombardment of Poseta.” “Rocky Jones!” exclaims Cleolanta. “How did he get here, Atlasan?” How would Atlasan know? He’s been with her the whole time. “Atlasan,” says Trinka, “don’t let Cleolanta fire another missile.” Cleolanta stares daggers at Atlasan, “You, too, are a traitor to Ophiuchus.” They fight over the controls. “Atlasan, Atlasan,” calls Trinka. You know, I can’t get enough of women shrilly yelling the name Atlasan. “Atlasan! Atlasan!” Trinka again calls. I can see the “Atlasan” drinking game becoming popular on college campuses. “Atlasan! Atlasan!” Trinka yet again calls. Atlasan manages to subdue Cleolanta, and tells Trinka that no more missiles will be fired.

The Orbit Jet prepares to land on Poseta. Trinka is concerned for her husband, if only so she can say the name “Atlasan” one more time.

They land and charge into Bavarro’s house. They hear Professor Newton feebly calling from the other room. They run in and somehow Newton managed to get Rotunda even more trapped, and also managed to get himself pinned under debris, all of which seems to have happened after the missile attacks stopped. They all help extricate the both of them. Rocky and Winky run to the underground shelter to find Vena, Bobby, and the little prince.

Down in the shelter, Vena is casting odd glances at Bobby. Does he have to sit so close? He’s got that whole bench; couldn’t he scootch over a bit? “Bobby, if only we could get some air in here.” Was it a good idea for the Posetans to have designed an airless underground shelter? Seconds later, the door opens, and Rocky calls down. Damn, Bobby is thinking, I really wanted to drink my own urine. Vena, naturally, can’t get out of there fast enough.

A short time later, they are all gathered in the baby’s room. Trinka is jealous. “I never wanted a baby to be raised under the rule of Cleolanta.” No one is quite certain how to respond to that, so they all just ignore her.

In the other room, Winky has repaired the device that generates the magnetic pull so they can reel in Atlasan’s ship. The phone rings; it’s Secretary Drake calling from Nagato. He asks Rocky how Cleolanta responded to the news about the crash of moons. “Did she like totally freak out?” Rocky explains that Cleolanta is now on Poseta. Drake says that the Nagatans will happily allow their friends from Poseta to live on their moon, and that the evacuation will begin in the morning.

Rocky then calls Atlasan. “Secure in your control chair. We’ll bring you in in a spiral spin.” Sounds like fun. Cleolanta is not happy. “Every day, the shadow of Poseta will become blacker on the surface of Ophiucus.” So will her mood. “You’re a traitor beyond words, Atlasan.” Just for emphasis, she should shout the name “Atlasan” a dozen or so times in as shrill a voice as possible, just like Trinka. “I’m proud of Trinka,” he tells her. Although he does find her outfit to be a little embarrassing.

On Poseta, Drake is trying to get through to Cleolanta, explaining how to save the people of Ophiuchus. “But I want Ophiuchus saved.” “It sounds like you’re more interested in the land than the people,” says Drake. Ouch. “Without our land, there cannot be a race of Ophiuchians.” Oh, come on, all they had was that one building. You can rebuild one of those anywhere. All you need is any half-decent erector set. She is worried that her people will drift apart, going from one planet to another. Bavarro now gets in on the action. “My land, too, is being destroyed. But my people will stay together.” I can see a really tedious argument brewing over which planet has better people.

Rocky then suggests that they should evacuate the Posetans first and then perhaps destroy Poseta and eliminate the need to destroy Ophiuchus. Wasn’t that Atlasan’s original idea? Bavarro is strangely amenable to this idea. “I feel guilty that my moon is the destroyer,” he tells Cleolanta. “So everything will be done.” Cleolanta then demands that she be allowed to go back to her ship so she can be the one to start the bombardment.

“Oh, no, Cleolanta,” says Rocky. “Drake and I will be on the ship with you and Atlasan. I’ll give the order to start the bombardment.” I’m the god! I’m the god! Rocky then adds that all ships will be standing by in case the bombardment of Poseta fails. Want to lay odds? Rocky orders Professor Newton to come with him to see if Poseta is shocked from its orbit. At that point, Bobby chimes in. “What about me?” “Bobby, you’ll stay on Poseta and take the bombardment like a man.”

At that point, the baby starts crying again. Bobby has had enough. “Little prince, what’s bothering you this time? If you could only talk.” If Bobby could only not talk.

Some time later, Bavarro and Rotunda give one sad, final glance around their cardboard walls and leave. They send up a flare to indicate to Rocky that the evacuation is complete. In the Ophiuchian ship, they see the flare, although Professor Newton appears to be unsuccessfully trying to figure out how the thermostat on the wall works. “Professor,” says Rocky, “Poseta has just signaled complete evacuation.” So has Professor Newton, upsettingly.

They start launching missiles at Poseta. After a few blows, no effect. “Fire again. And again and again!” demands Cleolanta. “Nothing can stand against trotanic missiles.” I thought they were tritanic missiles. A few more missiles, and still no deviation from its course. “That must not be!” whines Cleolanta. Rocky, being the hero, just gives up. “The crash of moons was meant to be. We can’t stop it.” Well, that’s the spirit! Remember the important message of Crash of Moons, kids: try something half-assedly, and when it doesn’t work, just give up!

Rocky calls Winky and Drake and tells them he wussed out and to start evacuating Ophiuchus. “A land, a world! Where shall I take my people!” yowls Cleolanta. Drake tries to get her to settle down. Nothing doing. “It’s a plot of the United Worlds! It’s a trick to make the Ophiuchians a lost race! It’s a plot! A trick!” She’s in deep tinfoil hat territory here. Atlasan has to restrain her forcibly.

Rocky is ordered to go to Ophiuchus and start alerting the people to keep a panic from breaking out. That should work out well. “Hey, Ophiuchus, your planet’s about to be destroyed. Just stay calm!” Rocky enlists Trinka to be his helper. Hopefully not in that outfit.

They land on Ophiuchus. Less Fun, Thomas Edison, and another guy watch. After they have watched the ship land for five minutes, Less Fun says, “A spaceship.” Oh! That’s what it was! I was wondering. Less Fun is plotting a little insurrection, and he and the other two are going to commandeer the ship and escape.

On the ship, Cleolanta says, “I demand the right to speak to my people...alone.” Um, how can she... Oh, never mind.

Rocky mulls that over. “I must respect your leadership.” Well, that’s a switch. He never has before. “Atlasan!” she shrieks. Then leaves. I guess she just likes saying “Atlasan” in a shrill voice.

As Cleolanta descends the ladder, Less Fun, Thomas Edison, and an unruly mob of others charge out, throw Cleolanta to the ground, and race up the ladder. Oh, now they’re in big trouble. Even more people rush out. So much for preventing a panic. They barge into the bridge of the ship, and a massive brawl breaks out. It’s a shame Winky isn’t there to receive a few blows to the face and/or groin. Somehow, Rocky and Atlasan manage to hold back a dozen crazed men.

Cleolanta is royally pissed. She gets up from the ground and charges up the ladder. The brawl has spilled into the rear cabin of the ship, and for some reason there are two girls from a 1950s sock hop there. I guess life does begin at the hop. Cleolanta climbs on a chair and orders everyone to stop. That doesn’t quite work.

Then Trinka gets on the intercom. “This is Trinka, your friend. I won’t command, but please listen to me.” She begins explaining the situation. Oddly, everyone stops and listens to her. She explains how the United Worlds will see that everyone is evacuated by the 19th. And then everyone stops fighting and calmly leaves the ship. Okay. I guess people on Ophiuchus have a deep-seated respect for someone dressed like a pagoda.

In Cleolanta’s office, they watch Poseta getting closer. The phone rings. It is Vena in the Orbit Jet, requesting permission to land. She is being followed by Secretary Drake who is leading the evacuation fleet. Rocky warns her that “there is understandable tension here.” Cleolanta gives him a look; if looks could kill, Rocky would be nothing but a smoldering pair of boots right about now.

Some time later, Trinka is addressing the Ophiuchian people. How did she end up in charge? Needless to say, Cleolanta is not happy. Anyway, Trinka explains that everyone has been given a slip of paper with a date on it, which will be the date they are allowed to evacuate. She hastens to add that she and Atlasan will be on the last ship to leave—the Orbit Jet. And I bet that has great meaning to a people who have never heard of the Orbit Jet. She and Atlasan exchange warm smiles. Yep, Atlasan is the wind beneath her wings—literally. Meanwhile, Atlasan shrugged.

Soon, the evacuation fleet is parked on Ophiuchus. Rocky and Vena are the acting air traffic controllers. Cleolanta stands at the back, still glowering at them. She is peeling Rocky’s flesh off with her eyes.

Soon, everyone has been evacuated, and it’s just Rocky, Newton, Bobby, Atlasan, Trinka, and Cleolanta left. Cleolanta insists on going down with her planet, but Atlasan carries her to the Orbit Jet. And they’re off.

As they speed away, they watch Poseta as it nears Ophiuchus. Exults Professor Newton, “This is the most exciting moment of my life!” Say that right next to three people who are about to watch their planet get destroyed. Could he be more tactless? And then...boom! At last, we see the crash of moons. Well, technically the crash of moon and planet. Cleolanta is not happy.

The phone rings. Man, half this movie has nothing but astrophone conversations. It’s like Bob Newhart wrote the screenplay.

Anyway, it’s Bavarro calling. Let’s see how affable he is now. Bavarro waxes philosophical. “What does it matter, really? Torvac here put it so wisely...” “Maybe General Burkhalter wasn’t evacuated.” Oh... “’It isn’t a land, it’s the people who make the country.’” Easy for him to say; his planet didn’t blow up.

Cleolanta has a question. “Bavarro,” she says, “do you really believe that?” “Yes, Cleolanta.” He then adds, “I...know...nothing. I...see...nothing!”

Cleolanta looks Rocky right in the eye. “Thank you. Thank you very much.” Thank you so bloody much. Rocky and Cleolanta smile at each other.

The end.

Bavarro and the Ice Queen (1955–1967)

Don’t Shout Factory is not so much proud as deeply ashamed to present for the first time on DVD all 12 seasons of the classic situation comedy Bavarro and the Ice Queen. A spinoff of sorts from the syndicated sci-fi adventure series Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, Bavarro and the Ice Queen chronicles the hijinks of two leaders of alien worlds who, after the destruction of both their planets, are forced to live together in suburban New Rochelle, New York.

Bavarro (John Banner, later known as Sgt. Schultz on Hogan’s Heroes) is the jovial, happy-go-lucky, unflappable family man whose hapless attempts at learning English and understanding American culture made him one of the most beloved television characters of the 1950s and 60s. Cleolanta (Patsy Parsons, later known as the woman holding up the “Everything must go!” sign in a local TV commercial for an Elkhart, Indiana, mattress store) was the humorless, arrogant, and vicious queen of Ophiuchus forced by circumstance to share a house with Bavarro, a man she openly loathed with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. Her caustic comments, psychotic paranoia, and penchant for brutal, horrific violence kept audiences falling out of their seats with laughter. Who can forget the opening titles, when week after week, Bavarro comes home from work and trips over the dismembered torso of one of the neighbors? Or episode #121 (“The New Cape”) and one of the classic moments of television history:

Cleolanta: What do you think of my new cape?
Bavarro: How much did that set me back?
Cleolanta: Nothing, you miserable worm. I sewed it myself from the flayed skin of Rocky Jones.
Bavarro (after a beat): Why, it’s so clandinto!

This sequence generated one of the longest sustained moments of audience laughter in the history of television, and “It’s so clandinto!” became one of TV’s classic catchphrases.

Then there was episode #324 (“For the Love of God, What is That?!!!!”), when Bavarro arrives home, opens the hall closet, and several hundred human skulls pour out. Coincidentally, guest star Jack Klugman (later of Quincy, M.E.) appears as the forensic anthropologist called into identify the human remains.

All the classic moments are here in Bavarro and the Ice Queen: The Complete Series. The little prince’s Little League game that is interrupted by a volley of tritanic missiles, Cleolanta’s driving lesson (featuring the longest sustained bleeping of dialogue in television history), and of course the famous “Bake Sale” episode that will forever change the way you think about the human gallbladder.

Bavarro and the Ice Queen: The Complete Series includes all 288 episodes crammed onto one double-sided DVD using the lossiest video compression possible.

Posted 05/25/09

Back to top