Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon

By Richard Romano

One of the more dubious film genres of the 1950s and 60s was the so-called “sword and sandal” epic. Technically called pepla, these movies were usually (but not always) made in Italy, often on a shoestring (or sandalstring), and starred burly American bodybuilders as heroes from antiquity, the Bible, or Greco-Roman mythology. The movie that kicked off the genre was 1957’s international hit Hercules, which spawned a further 18 movies featuring Hercules. Other heroes in these movies were Maciste (25 movies), Samson (five movies), Ursus (nine movies), and a few others. Often, a single movie could have many different titles (Hercules Unchained was also called Ercole e la regina di Lidia and Hercules and the Queen of Lydia), and movies were occasionally named after heroes that weren’t actually in them (Maciste and the Queen of Samar was also called Hercules Against the Moon Men, for some reason, while Maciste at the Court of the Czar was also known as Samson vs. the Giant King as well as Atlas Against the Czar). I suspect it was all a diabolical plot to crash the Internet Movie Database.

Perhaps the most famous “actor” in these movies was the original Hercules, Steve Reeves, although others included Reg Park, Gordon Scott, Mark Forest, Brad Harris, Dan Vadis, and many others. For some reason, even though everyone else in the cast was Italian, audiences (or at least the producers) preferred leads with American-sounding names. So Sergio Ciani had to be credited as “Alan Steel,” which should have been a bit of a giveaway (his first choice of nom de film was Sidney Applebaum).

The Italian sword-and-sandal movie’s heyday ended around 1964, at virtually the same time as the “spaghetti western” got its start. (Yes, some “spaghetti western” directors like Sergio Leone got their starts doing sword-and-sandal flicks.)

These movies usually have cookie-cutter plots (assuming they have plots at all) that involve damsels in distress, evil queens, evil kings, treachery, and a beefy guy beating the crap out of everyone else in the cast and eventually toppling an entire city single-handedly. Sometimes other famous characters from mythology appear. Sometimes you have no idea who anyone actually is. Specific plot details are usually incomprehensible, and I suspect that the filmmakers employed special script doctors to remove any trace of coherence. These movies were often pretty cheaply made, and by the looks of it, 90% of the budget was spent on body grease. The burly leads also had minimal acting ability.

Anyway, Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon (also known as Ercole contro i tiranni di Babilonia and Hercules Against the Tyrants of Babylon) was released in 1964, Hercules being played this time by Peter Lupus (credited a bit more butchly as Rock Stevens). You may remember Peter Lupus as Willy on Mission: Impossible or as Norberg on TV’s Police Squad (he was replaced by O.J. Simpson in The Naked Gun movies...in retrospect not one of the better casting decisions). What is the movie about? Uh...that’s a fair question. Something about a trio of evil siblings, Babylonian slaves, and a Hellenic queen.

And we’re off to the races. Horses thunder down the track. It’s summer in Saratoga! No, actually it’s Babylon, 3,000 years ago. Well, close. It can take 3,000 years to find parking in Saratoga in the summer.

The movie was directed by Domenico Paolella, which is also the name of a delicious Italian rice dish.

A multitude of coronets heralds the arrival of one of the Babylonian emperors. Conveyed in his palanquin and surrounded by a vast entourage, he is one of the three rulers of Babylon, and is introduced as Salmon Oscar. Really? Can we cover him with crabmeat and asparagus and serve him with Béarnaise sauce?

He is approached by one of the generals, who asks if he can have a word with him. “Go head, Boromir. Speak.” Boromir? The brother of Faramir and the eldest son of Denethor II, the last ruling Steward of Gondor? I guess he got better after he was killed by the Orcs. Oh, wait, it’s actually Bomar. Bomar? Brother of Girmar, and son of Kimar, the ruler of Mars who was defeated by Santa Claus? Nope, I’m wrong again, his name is actually Bomeer. I think. What a Bummer.

Anyway.

“The capture of slaves beyond our territory has become increasingly difficult,” Bomeer tells Salmon Oscar. Why? Are they being protected by foreign armies? No; “one single man.” If Salmon Oscar had been drinking something, I’m sure he would have done a spit-take at that point. Hmmm...one man, defeating their entire raiding party. I wonder who that could be. Bomeer says that Salmon Oscar’s brother Azure (?) recommended using the entire army. Yeah, well, Azure has a tendency to talk until he’s blue in the face. Salmon Oscar thinks sending an entire army against one man is ludicrous, even if there are unfounded rumors that he possesses weapons of mass destruction. He reads Bomeer the riot act, and tells him that the demand for slave labor grows daily, and they have a minimal supply. That sounds like the kind of thing that would make a good economics blog post over at Marginal Revolution. “Your own head will be forfeit for any cowardice shown by your troops!” And Bomeer is sent back across the river to...get more slaves, I guess.

And then we cut to what is either an ancient Babylonian version of a carwash (only for horses, natch) or Bomeer’s troops fording the river. Maybe they should take some of those slaves and have them build a bridge.

They ride into the mountains and capture what I presume is the native population, although why all the people are just milling around in the middle of nowhere is a bit of a mystery. At any rate, since they all seem to be standing in a circle, they’re pretty easy to catch.

The Babylonians tie them all in a row and lead them back across the desert.

Says one captured woman to what is presumably her beau, “I’d rather die than be a slave in Babylon. If you love me, kill me.” Since he doesn’t kill her, it must mean that he doesn’t love her. Right? It’s a logical conundrum one shouldn’t dwell on for too long.

But before anyone can kill anyone...dum dum dum! Hercules blocks their way. None shall pass! His mission, should he choose to accept it, is to free the slaves. He lifts up a huge foam rubber rock and hurls it at one of the soldiers, knocking him off his horse. And he throws another one. In the confusion, the slaves untie each other. While Willy is creating this diversion, Barney is rigging up a trip wire which will trigger an explosion, Rollin Hand is disguised as one of the Babylonians, and Cinnamon is posing as a highly glamorous slave woman.

Willy—I mean Hercules—runs out of rocks, but has a trusty club which he uses to knock more soldiers off their horses. A large, wooden club? That seems a bit Cro-Magnon, even for Hercules. If I had half a mind I’d join a club and beat him over the head with it.

Rock Club

Meanwhile, the newly freed slaves capture Bomeer, tie him up, and bring him before Hercules. “Go and tell your master that you’re lucky to be alive,” says the big guy. Hercules gives him a push with the club and tells some of the ex-slaves, “Go and make sure he crosses to the other side of the rivuh.” Rivuh? Hercules is from Brooklyn?

That night, the freed people hold a torchlight vigil, it seems, for Hercules. “We have no way of showing you the gratitude that fills our hearts.” How about an echocardiogram? “Except for tears of Joy in the eyes of those you’ve liberated.” Joy is capitalized because they cry actual drops of dishwashing liquid. “What is your name?” they ask Hercules. Who’s your daddy? “Does it matter?” Hercules asks. Well, if they want to send him a thank you card, yes. “I come from the Helens on the far shores of the Mediterranean,” Hercules says. Yep, he lived among Helen Hunt, Helen Mirren, Helen Hayes, Helen Reddy, Helen Wheels, Helen Keller, and Mt. St. Helens.

Hercules has been away for three years. He explains how the Babylonians had attacked his fleet and stolen all their women. Even those not named Helen. “Among them was one who was especially dear to me.” Lee Meriwether? Hercules says that the women were made slaves. He is not happy about it. One of the guys who apparently has access to Google Earth points out that “all the slaves are concentrated in the dungeons of the two cities.” Albany and Rensselaer? “Babylon and Nineveh.” Ah. Nineveh...right, that’s exit 7 off I-88 about 20 miles northeast of Binghamton. “Each morning they’re led off to work.” Yep, I think we’ve all been there.

And then we cut to the slaves’ morning commute as they trudge across the blistering desert. On the plus side, it beats the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles. One of the slaves drops from exhaustion, and no one bothers to help him. They tell him, “I can’t help you,” “You’ve got to get up by yourself,” and “Somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.” One of the slave drivers whips him, which will help matters, I’m sure. I’ve worked in offices like this. One of the slave women runs to pull the slave driver away from the fallen guy, and everyone sort of freaks out a bit.

The woman who tried to save him—whose tunic looks like she is used for chewing tobacco spitting practice—is told by her friend, “You shouldn’t call attention to yourself.” Huh? I think they know she’s there. “I can’t ignore such cruelty.” “You must, Despairia.” Despairia? No wonder she’s so gloomy. “You know that we’re ready to die before we let them touch you.” Why?

Before we can find out, we cut to the royal palace of Babylon. Bomeer is led in in handcuffs and thrown to the floor in front of a trio of thrones. I guess he’s been throne for a loss. “You have failed again,” says Salmon Oscar. Sitting next to him is his brother Azure, who seems to be the brother that lucked out in the hair department. “Death for a coward,” says Salmon Oscar. And a toupee for an emperor.

Azure wants to know who it was that defeated Bomeer. Salmon Oscar knows where this conversation is going, and insists that Bomeer has been making up stories about being defeated. What? “That old myth about the giant who is able to hold off an entire army single-handed?” says Azure. Yeah, that’s the one. “Of course it’s a lie!” says Salmon Oscar, “He’s only hoping to soften your heart.” And his fine washables.

Salmon Oscar goes and pouts by a column. Azure strides up behind him. “The death of such a good and faithful officer would be a great loss to us...and to Tennille.” Toni Tennille? So Bomeer must be the Captain. Salmon Oscar snaps and spins around. “This is purely a military question!” he bellows. Youch, switch to decaf. “I think our sister has nothing to do with it.”

Three guesses who— yep, right on cue. “You think not?”

Yep, it’s Tennille. She dramatically saunters over to her throne, sits, and gives the back story about how their father, Naboor II, divided Babylon into three parts, one for each of his three children. Well, that only makes sense. “On his deathbed, he exacted a promise that we would rule together in true accord.” No, actually, it was that they would rule together in a Honda Accord. He got a little dotty toward the end.

Azure insists that they are obeying their father’s wishes, and that Salmon Oscar is taking the initiative in condemning Bomeer. Okay, I can grok the back story, but what does it have to do with Bomeer? Whatever; anyway, Tennille orders him to his feet and has him untied. “Put on a captain’s hat and play the electric piano.”

Tennille and Salmon Oscar have it out. He wants Bomeer executed for cowardice; she gives him a nasty look. They argue over who knows Bomeer better. Since it’s obvious that Tennille and Bomeer are, shall we say, involved, I’d lay odds on Tennille knowing him better than her brother does. God, I hope so.

Anyway, this goes on for a while. Whoever designed that throne should be executed; the giant bronze heads between each seat makes it difficult for them to have conversations with each other. Which may have been the idea, now that I think about it. Azure asks whether Tennille has heard of the stories about the giant. She dreamily explains that she has, although adds, “I can’t really believe that he’s come to Babylon. Unfortunately.” Okay; I guess Tennille has a little bit of a crush on Hercules. It could be worse; it could be muskrat love.

Meanwhile, about midway through the workday, the slaves are still commuting. I guess it is just like Southern California. Oh, I see, their job is to move rocks from one place to another. Well, that’s certainly productive. If they’re going to capture slaves, they could at least put them to work doing something significant like building pyramids or something. Busy work is really just as waste of slave labor.

One of the slave women hands Despairia a bundle of something. “While we present a fight, you escape.” And find a competent Italian-English translator. She creates a diversion, and Despairia is able to flee. Wow, that was pretty easy. She is joined by the guy who fell down earlier. She hands him the bundle. It turns out that it’s a birdcage. A birdcage? “You must go and find Hercules,” says Despairia. “When you’ve found him, let the bird go.” So the slaves were holding the bird hostage? This is getting a little weird... “We’ve managed to keep it hidden all this time.” How? Are the slaves being held in Stalag 13? It’s like Hercules’ Heroes all of a sudden. “He’ll return to us, and we’ll know you have found Hercules.” Kind of like ancient texting. And he runs off with the birdcage. She returns to the workplace and picks up a rock. Break is over, it seems.

Back in the Babylonian throne room, they have a visitor. A page announces, “The exalted lord Valeak, King of Assyria, comes to pay homage to the three sovereigns of Babylon.” He can’t be Assyrious. And in strides Valeak. “You grant me such honor as I never hoped to receive,” he says. Hey, it was your guy who introduced you. Anyway, the three emperors say hi. Valeak walks up to Tennille. “Never have I seen the splendor of the full moon in daylight.” Huh? And every year he misses the Perseid meteor shower. Don’t even get him started on a transit of Venus. Maybe he needs to subscribe to Sky & Telescope.

Like any good houseguest, he brought gifts. He hands a large pie cutter to Salmon Oscar, who’s as excited as a kid on Christmas morning. “May the point of this sword never be pointed against your real friend. Your Assyrian friend.” That is, me. Get it?

For Azure, he got...um, some kind of necklace. “I got in a box of Cracker Jack.” “May your political influence and your wisdom never be used against your Assyrian friend.” That is, me. Get it? Azure looks at him with an expression that seems to say, “You got my brother a cool sword, and I got this. And not even a lousy T-shirt.”

Now it’s Tennille’s turn. He hands her a box. What’s in it? A Grammy award for “Love Will Keep Us Together”? Ah, no, it’s a large green jewel. So that’s what happened to the Moonstone. “To you I say the contrary of what I said to your brothers.” May you always point those pert, Babylonian breasts against your friend, your Assyrian friend. Oh, wait... “May you turn the brilliant light of your beauty on your Assyrian friend.” Actually, he was going to say the same thing to Salmon Oscar.

“But all this is nothing, compared to what I have come here to offer.” Let me tell you about Amway. Several servants file in with large earthenware jugs and empty gold coins onto the floor. Tennille gazes at the money longingly, imaging that she was Andrea Mitchell lying with Alan Greenspan on their conjugal money bed... Oh, god, I think I’m going to be violently ill.

Moving quickly along...

“Gold, all for you,” says Valeak. This guy mustn’t get out much; a bottle of wine would have been perfectly acceptable.

“I only ask in exchange...” Hoo boy, here it comes. “...all the slaves who are living in the city of Babylon.”

Before we can see if any of the three rulers does a spit-take after that little announcement, we cut to the slaves again, who are on their lunch break. They munch what looks like pretty good Italian bread. You know, these slaves really don’t have it that bad. However, Despairia is told that the guards figured out that one slave was missing. He should have run off after roll call.

Back to Babylon. Salmon Oscar, Azure, and Tennille are alone. “I don’t believe they want those slaves to repopulate Assyria,” he says. Did we miss something? When did anyone suggest that? “No one would want a slave to be anything but a slave.” “A pity to have to turn down all that gold,” says Tennille. Not really; with all that gold you could hire people to do the work. Naturally, Salmon Oscar smells a rat, and thinks that Valeak has some ulterior motive. Ya think? The three siblings pledge unity. Tennille breaks into the song “Tyranny Will Keep Us Together.” “Do we really need to say no?” Tennille then asks. Had they better shop around? “It’s not difficult to say no. Nor is it difficult to say yes.” Nor is it difficult to say “Shut up!” Man, this guy can Babylon and on and on. Azure wonders what Valeak’s motive is. “There’s only one way to find out,” says Salmon Oscar. Twenty Questions.

Tennille heads toward Valeak’s room. Bomeer blocks her way, for some reason. She licks his dimple and he stands aside. Yowza. Do that to me one more time.

She pours Valeak a cup of wine, then dumps some kind of white power in it, which floats right on the surface of the liquid. Um, you might want to stir that, otherwise it’s pretty conspicuous. She hands the cup to Valeak, who is sitting on the edge of the bed, staring into the fire. Now wait a minute. The Assyrian king is alone in his bedroom with the hot queen of Babylon and he’s looking in the opposite direction at the fireplace? Maybe they should get Salmon Oscar in there. Anyway, he chugs the wine. “I really can’t get over how little you are like your brothers.” He’s aware she’s a woman, right? “If one day you should find yourself opposing them, you’ll find me at your side.” Gee, thanks, that’s a comfort. “With my army.” Well, whatever floats your boat. He starts criticizing their system of government, saying that it would be more normal for a husband and wife to reign. So, Tennille, you want to tell him about your dead father and the promise and the Honda Accord and all that? “With two, you can rule over an empire.” With three, you could open a bowling alley. And with six you get eggroll. He starts giggling. “I must be dreaming.” Please, have more wine. “Do you think the Babylonians and the Assyrians could get along together?” It sounds like the makings of a good sitcom, actually.

He starts pawing her and giggling. “I never felt this way before,” he says. Loathsome and repellent? “It’s like walking on clouds.” So when he said “reign” he meant “rain.” “I’m so tired, I can’t keep my eyes open.” And he passes out on his back. Hey, close your skirt! Now I can’t keep my eyes open.

Meanwhile Tennille’s brothers are watching from behind a curtain. The harpist on the soundtrack is really going to town, so Valeak must be in some kind of trance. Tennille then asks Valeak why he wants the slaves. “I need help moving next weekend.” Oh, wait... “I want to marry one of them. I’ll marry her willingly. Or by force.” Well, at least he’s open to other options. “It’s the only way I can extend my influence over the Helens without provoking a war that could turn into a disaster.” Unlike other wars, which are never disasters. “I know that I’ll find her among the slaves of Babylon. All I have to do is identify her.” Who? “The Queen of Helens.”

And with that, we smash cut to Despairia. Hmm...Coincidence? Read the book. “More slaves arriving,” she says. “Will there be no end to this?” I would imagine that eventually they’re going to run out of people. One of the new recruits runs up to Despairia. “Excuse me,” she says, and collapses against her. That was weird.

Cut to a sleeping Hercules, lying at the bottom of a cliff. Atop the cliff, someone yells “Hercules! Hercules!” It’s Prince Spaghetti Day! It’s the escaped slave with the bird (which is not something one types very often), being chased by the Babylonian cavalry. Hercules spots them, grabs his club, and charges to the rescue. It’s actually kind of amazing that a guy carrying a birdcage can easily outrun five guys on horseback. But, alas, he trips, and that gives the horsemen a chance to close the gap. Hercules is some distance behind them, and he hurls his club which somehow ends up hitting the horseman from the front, knocking him off the horse. Must be a boomerang club.

However, one of the other horsemen manages to run the escaped slave through with his sword, and he goes down. Hercules jumps on a horse (oh, the poor horse) and takes out the other horsemen with his club. He rushes to the downed slave. “Glaucoma!” he calls to him. Huh? Glaucoma tells Hercules, “Despairia, the slaves, no one knows anything. I got away with her help.” Or I think it was Despairia. Everything was kind of blurry. Uh oh; they’re not alone. Mr. Carlin from The Bob Newhart Show is spying on them from the woods. You call that a club, Hartley?

Hercules tries to get Glaucoma to tell him if Despairia is in Babylon or Nineveh, but he croaks before he can say. Dang it. Hercules frees the bird and watches to see in what direction it flies. It flies toward Babylon. “So Despairia is in Babylon,” he says to no one in particular. Except that Mr. Carlin has been watching and listening.

Back in Babylon, Valeak and his henchman exit the royal palace. “Our day will come soon,” he says apropos of nothing. He then leads the Assyrian procession out of the city. Okay, then. Azure gazes down at them sadly from his window. Don’t it make your brown eyes blue? (Yes, that was Crystal Gayle, not the Captain & Tennille.) We cut away for a moment, and when we cut back, Azure looks at them angrily. Then he starts to smile. Jeepers, this guy’s mood swings are like a Foucault’s pendulum.

Azure leads one of his own henchman into the throne room. “We must follow him without being seen, and then attack him before he can cross the frontier.” My guess is, if you attack him, you’ll be seen. “Our great friend Valeak, the King of the Assyrians, knows a secret. And secrets are only valuable when known just to a few.” Otherwise they’re not really secrets. “Therefore,” says the henchman, “the death warrant for King Valeak has already been signed.” I guess they automatically have a death warrant signed as soon as someone enters the city. Now that’s an efficient bureaucracy. Azure smiles at him oddly. Are they falling in love?

Azure’s plan is that once Valeak is out of the way, they will themselves do “what he tried to do.” Grow a beard? Oh, marry the Queen of the Helens. Three guesses who’s going to be the one to do the marrying. “I have the honor to bow before him,” says Azure’s henchman. And bows before him. Kiss-up.

In Tennille’s chamber, Bomeer is worried that Valeak had his way with her. Ah, so there was something going on between Bomeer and Tennille. She now lays out her own plot. “In the dungeons among the Babylonian slaves is a girl. If my brothers find her, she might become my rival. If you were as devoted to me as you say, you might have already found her.” Being devoted is one thing, being psychic is another. “How will I know her?” he asks. “Leave that to me,” she replies. So wait— You should have already found her, but I’ll tell you who she is so you can find her. Dah! Norman, coordinate!

Azure calls the entire court together to approve his plan for finding and eliminating the Queen of the Helens. “You have my complete approval,” says Salmon Oscar. There’s a first. “We’ll eliminate her, and become masters of the Helens.” (Okay, it’s actually Hellenes. That is, the Greeks.) Salmon Oscar then asks, “What is your opinion Tennille?” “Keep a song of joy inside your heart.” Oh, wait... She actually says, “I fear no rivals.” Bomeer glances at her with a look that says “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” Funny, how even when they’re all in agreement they can still argue. Says Azure, “Then let us act at once to crush the life out of this serpent who has taken refuge in the subterranean world of Babylon.” Now wait a minute! You captured her and made her a slave. I’m not sure how she’s the one at fault here.

Down in the dungeon, the three tyrants of Babylon put their cunning plan into effect. Says an officer: “To the one among you slaves who identifies the Queen of Helens...” He actually did say “Helens.” “...we will grant immediate liberty.” A brilliant strategy! Just ask them who it is! It’s crazy enough that it might...just...work. The slaves have 24 hours to mull it over. And, as an added bonus, no work until then. Cool.

The bad news, however, is that they have to be tied to poles all night. Salmon Oscar arrives. “They’ll talk sooner or later. No water, no food.” They do keep sweetening the deal, don’t they? “There is a limit to the power of resistance.” That would be Ohm’s Law, I believe.

Meanwhile, Valeak and his procession are riding back to Assyria. Hercules happens to see them approach, and the Babylonian cavalry charge at them from behind. The Assyrians and the Babylonians start to fight. The Babylonians also have snipers with bows and arrows hidden in the woods, who take out a fair number of Assyrians. “Babylonians,” mutters Hercules. “My enemies.” Hercules takes about five minutes to spring into action. He ties a rope around his club and takes out the archers. He then runs in and starts throwing Babylonians around. At one point he runs between two horsemen and takes them both out simultaneously.

He manages to retrieve his trusty club. I get it. I bet Eartha Kitt is hidden inside the club and he’s going to place the club next to a ventilation shaft in Babylon, where she’ll crawl out and retrieve a stolen figurine. Meanwhile, Barney and Paris have created...oh, never mind.

Anyway, the Babylonians realize they are no match for Hercules and his club, and beat cheeks out of there.

Valeak tells Hercules, “There are no words to thank you.” What about “thank you”?

They set up camp and try to figure out his name, but he won’t tell them. Why can’t he just make up a pseudonym, like Rock Stevens or something? Valeak makes a deal with Hercules. Hercules will carry out a task, and can then have anything he wants. Hercules is to bring him “the woman, respecting her, and knowing full well that she is to be my wife.” I presume he is referring to Despairia. That goes over well with Hercules. “You will not be alone—Bahar and some of my men will be with you.” That’s a help. Valeak has also sent for his cavalry and will launch an attack on Babylon. “Thus you will have my help.” Like he needs it. Valeak then insists that Hercules take the oath of loyalty, which consists of nothing more than holding hands on the hilt of a sword and saying “I swear.” Well, that certainly sounds binding. Valeak adds, “If you or any member of your IM Force is caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

Valeak calls in the men who will accompany Hercules. He also orders Bahar to grow a beard. Okay. After Hercules leaves to get some rest, Valeak and Bahar plot and scheme. Valeak knows that their new best buddy is Hercules, and that Hercules is only going to Babylon to liberate the Queen of the Hellenes—and only Hercules knows who she is. There is only one solution. He orders Bahar, “On the day that Hercules leaves Babylon with the Queen of the Hellenes, the sun must not set before Hercules has been murdered.” So Bahar has to stop the Earth from rotating? Tricky. Valeak is kind of a Rockford Files-esque villain. “I want this Hercules situation taken care of. Permanently.”

Over at the slaves’ encampment, night passes quickly. Despairia is starting to live up to her name. Come morning, the Babylonians are eagerly preparing their whips and cat o’nine tails. They do love their work, you gotta admit. Salmon Oscar arrives in a jaunty mood, and the beatings begin. At that point, all the women start calling out “I am the Queen of the Hellenes!” Oh, that’s gonna be a big help. Despairia is conspicuously silent. There is a cacophony of caterwauling. Salmon Oscar and Azure didn’t see this coming, and are a trifle confused. “They’re all worthy of the throne,” says Azure. You know, you could have figured it out by seeing who was the only woman who wasn’t wailing “I am the Queen of the Hellenes.” Meanwhile, their bird has returned, and they all gaze into the sky and smile. Herc is on the way! “Untie them!” snaps Salmon Oscar.

Back in the throne room, Mr. Carlin has reported what he overheard out on the field of battle. Which was...what again? Something about Hercules. “There is considerable evidence that Hercules is in Babylon,” says Tennille. There is? “I would never permit him even to set foot in this city,” says Salmon Oscar. What if he walked in on his hands? “There is a curious coincidence involved here,” adds Azure. Coincidence? Read the book. “Hercules arrives in our country at the moment we are looking for his queen. Doesn’t it seem possible he is searching for the same thing that King Valeak wanted?” Yeah, I mean, what are the odds of that? “There is only one way to unravel this complicated intrigue,” says Salmon Oscar. We must employ ill-used metaphors! You know, guys, it’s really not all that complicated. You kidnapped his queen, and he’s coming to get her. It’s not exactly a labyrinthine plot. Anyway, Salmon Oscar’s idea is to simply eliminate Hercules. Azure demurs. “This would only eliminate our best chance of finding the Queen of the Hellenes.” He does make a valid point.

So what’s Azure’s idea? Chest grease. And lots of it. Oh, wait... They will invite Hercules to be their guest. “It’s the only way to control him.” Salmon Oscar is having none of it. However, Tennille sides with Azure. So, 2-1 in favor of having Hercules as a guest. Salmon Oscar, clean out the guest room.

We are then treated to random scenes of what I presume is Babylon, although it seems to be a curious mix of India, the Mideast, and Italy. An unimpressive snake handler drapes a rubber snake over his head, for some reason. I guess he runs the visitor’s center. You know, ancient Babylon here seems less “impressive empire and cradle of civilization” and more like “tacky tourist trap.” But maybe it’s a fine line.

Hercules is freshly oiled up and wanders into the city. He is immediately accosted by someone wanting to buy whatever merchandise he is carrying. Funny, I’ve never heard of a door-to-door buyer before. (“Good afternoon, madam, but has anyone ever told you the advantages that can be realized by selling me anything you happen to have in your home?”) Kind of like a walking Craigslist.

Anyway, the guy pulls Hercules aside and says sotto voce, “My name is Krisyphus.” Really? Brother of Sisyphus, known for endlessly rolling a rock up a hill only to have it roll back down again? (This analogy is just an exercise in futility.) Oh, it’s actually Krissipuss. Is that like Cookie-Puss? Anyway, he adds, “I’ve been expecting you for a long time....For days the city has been full of rumors that you were about to arrive.” He shouldn’t have used the name “Hercules” on his hotel reservation.

He is interrupted by a brawl breaking out among some slaveowners. That gets Hercules’ attention, and he jumps in and starts beating the crap out of Babylonian soldiers, for some reason. Someone breaks a balsawood plank over Hercules’ back. They had Staples furniture in ancient Babylon? He turns around slowly with a look that says, “You have got to be kidding.” And Hercules punches the guy out. Yeah, I feel that way in Staples myself a lot of the time.

Trumpets herald the arrival of Azure. “We bid you welcome, Hercules!” he proclaims. So stop beating the crap out of my army. Hercules is invited to the palace. Bahar—who actually has grown a beard—is leery. “Must we accept their hospitality?” he asks Hercules. “Yes.” “They’ll be watching us,” says Bahar. “But we’ll be watching them.” Odd; most people usually go to dinner parties completely blindfolded.

The three Assyrian soldiers (in disguise, natch) follow them toward the palace, with Cookie-puss trailing behind them. “I’m coming, too,” he says, not wanting to be left out. No sign of Fudgie the Whale just yet.

“Welcome to Babylon, Hercules. You and your six friends,” says Azure. Six friends? He seems to have picked up some stragglers. He’s oddly blasé about it.

Down in the dungeon, the slave women are all abuzz with the news that Hercules is in town. Even Despairia is smiling giddily. Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you!

Inside the palace, dinner comprises pita bread and some roasted animal part that defies ready identification. I think there is an old Babylonian legend that runs something like, “Whosoever can identify this piece of meat will become ruler of all Babylon.” It’s not so much the “lady in the lake” as the “guy in the butcher shop.” Then again, it could be just another day in Price Chopper.

Everyone chows down, although Tennille is making strange eyes at Hercules, probably because he has appalling table manners. You can tell this guy doesn’t eat out much. Krissipuss is even worse. If Emily Post were there she’d fall on a sword. Or a post.

“I have an announcement,” says Salmon Oscar. He’s officially requiring everyone to use silverware. Basically, Salmon Oscar wants to show everyone how strong Hercules is. This takes Hercules by surprise, but then most things do. Six burly men file in and face Hercules. Salmon Oscar identifies them as champions from around the world who have always wanted to take on Hercules. “And naturally Hercules will want to take up this challenge.” Naturally. And Salmon Oscar adds that Hercules would “naturally” want to take them on three at a time. Naturally. Like he even needs to ask. “The weapons are harmless, because this is not a mortal combat.” I thought they were just going to wrestle.

They begin, and the other guys charge at Hercules brandishing clubs that are obviously Whiffle bats painted brown because they make that hollow, plastic blonk sound when they hit him.

It turns out that the six champions are no match for Hercules, who handily parries their every Whiffle blow. Then, one Whiffle bat hits the floor with a loud metallic clonk, and steel spikes spring out of it. Uh, oh. Someone brought a real club to a Whiffle bat fight. Hercules looks at it with a blank expression. Everyone else looks around awkwardly. Hercules walks over and picks it up, then easily snaps it in two. He sets the pieces on the table in front of Tennille, who smiles and offers him a drink. Salmon Oscar literally laughs, “Bwa ha ha.”

Back in Hercules’ guest room, he admits he wasn’t sure what was going on. There’s a shock. Bahar—or, Bahair, by the looks of it (this guy could easily clog a drain at 20 paces)—points out that “one of the three hates you more than the others. We’d better hurry.” And do what?

Bahair tells Krissipuss, “You said you can show us the way to the subterranean caverns.” And show me the way to the next whiskey bar. (Oh, don’t ask why.) Anyway, Krissipuss defiantly points out that, yes, he can.

Hercules instructs Bahair to stay in the room; if he leaves a trail of hair behind him they’ll be found immediately.

Krissipuss goes to the concrete wall. Naturally, there is a secret passage right in the guest room. Who put that there and why in the guest room? He tells Hercules which brick to push. All in all, it’s just another brick in the wall. Hercules opens the secret door, and it slides aside with the creepy sound of squeaking Styrofoam. Styrofoam? I guess even Hercules gets a freebie every once in a while.

Says Krissipuss, “I know all the secrets of the palace. For many years, I was a prisoner.” Are prisoners usually privy to many secrets? It turns out the slaves helped him when he was mortally wounded, so he made a promise to help them. And, ergo, help Hercules help them. Or help them help Hercules help them. Or...help!

As they wander through the caverns, Krissipuss seems to get lost. But, typically, he refuses to ask for directions. Finally, they come to another large concrete block. “This one,” says Krissipuss. “And only you can move it.” If Hercules is the only person that can move it, how does anyone ever use this passage?

The sound of squeaking Styrofoam wakes the slaves. I hope Hercules wasn’t counting on the element of surprise—we’ve learned so far in this movie that Hercules is no good at sneaking.

Finally, Hercules makes it in, and everyone is overjoyed at seeing him. He points out that he can’t take them out just yet because the soldiers will be waiting, but “I will find a way to free you.” Better hunker down there, Despairia. If Hercules has to think at all, this may take a while.

“I hear footsteps,” says Krissipuss. “Let’s go.” But first, Hercules gives Despairia a passionate kiss, no doubt imagining that she was Peter Graves. He and Krissipuss disappear back into the caverns.

They hide behind a wall and see Tennille talking to Bomeer. She is pointing out a large wheel with chains attached to it. A pole runs through the middle of the wheel.

Check this out. Tennille says, “All of these chains are attached to one of the houses in the city. And each of the chains is solidly fastened to the main walls of the biggest building in Babylon. As you know, Babylon is constructed on the sands of the desert.” Uh huh. “With the chains hooked to it, it requires a hundred slaves to make the wench start running.” Which wench? Which wench is which? And whence will the wench wun—er, run? Oh, winch. “The chains will tighten, slowly and surely. The whole city will crumble. Babylon is in my hands!” Babylon sisters, shake it.

That sounds—What?!

Do you mean to say that every building in Babylon is chained to this thing and that by turning the wheel all the buildings can be brought down? Who would design such a thing—and why? Oh, I don’t know. It’s obvious how the movie is going to end, but still; is this really a good idea, from an urban planning point of view? Then again, I think Robert Moses had this in mind for New York City.

Bomeer asks an obvious question. “Who built all this?” “Daedelus. He built the labyrinth at Crete. I learned about it from one of his descendents.” That must have been Icarus, who also suffered as the result of a slight design flaw.

Tennille’s cunning plan is to flee Babylon with all its money and soldiers—led, of course, by Bomeer. All the slaves will be stuck underground to operate the winch and, when they are safely away, the signal will be given, the slaves will turn the winch, and the city will collapse. “And it will become a tomb for my brothers. I will rule from Nineveh.” Why not Sanitaria Springs? It’s only one exit away, and there’s a Hess station there that has the cheapest gas on I-88. “I won’t have to share the throne with anyone. I’ll reign alone over the whole empire!” Well, except for the bits of it you’ve destroyed.

Ah, Tennille, quite a cunning stunt.

Hercules, having overheard all this (hint hint), backs away slowly. Funny, when Hercules walks backward he actually makes that beeping noise that trucks make when they back up.

Hercules makes it back to his room, and Bahair tells him that while he was a way, a message arrived saying that Tennille is expecting him. Oh, and every barber in Babylon is gunning for Bahair.

In Tennille’s room, she is making Hercules a deal. She is willing to help him get away with the slave girl he wants, “but you must help me.” To do what? “I want you to lead a hundred slaves down into the underground caverns. I need them to operate the wench.” What? Oh, winch. “Why?” Waka waka. She tries to come up with something. “The winch is...required to open a heavy bronze door.” Yeah, that’s it. A big bronze door. “Behind that door is all the treasure of Babylon.”

Unfortunately there are two other big bronze doors, behind which are goats. Now, Hercules, say you pick heavy bronze door #1. Tennille has the hundred slaves open heavy bronze door #3, revealing a goat. Now, are your odds of winning all the treasure of Babylon better if you stay with heavy bronze door #1 or switch to heavy bronze door #2?

If there had been “Ask Marilyn” in ancient Babylon, Hercules would have known that he’d be better off switching.

But I digress....

Tennille’s plan is to steal it. The treasure, that is, not the goats. But, knowing these clowns, I wouldn’t put money on that. However, Hercules points out that someone has been spying on them. But first: “Do you accept?” she asks. “All right. I accept.” Sweet talker.

Hercules strides out of Tennille’s room, and it’s a good thing he has no peripheral vision, because Bomeer is “hiding” simply by pressing himself right against the wall in the hallway. Tennille follows Hercules out and stares after him. Is that a sigh of unrequited lust she made? Or a sigh of satisfaction that she got what she wanted? Or indigestion from the mystery meat at the dinner party? It’s rather hard to tell.

Down in the dungeon, Hercules pulls open the Styrofoam brick to the slaves’ quarters. He is told, “Despairia has been taken away.” Well, I guess they found out which one it was. Now, which sibling’s plan has been put into action?

Hercules charges back up to the palace and he, Bahair, and the Assyrian soldiers confront a phalanx of Babylonian soldiers. Gee, I wonder if they’re going to fight? Even better; Hercules runs off, grabs a heavy wooden door (well, a door, we take his word for it that’s heavy), and hurls it at the guards. I guess he showed them the door. In another version of this script, he had grabbed all four members of The Doors and thrown them at the soldiers. Break on through indeed.

And up in a palace room, Despairia is tied to a column and...aha! It’s Azure who was behind this. “The Hellenes will have a better king than Valeak: me.” Kind of a lateral move, really. She tells him he will never be king of the Hellenes. “Why? Am I any worse than Valeak who anted to marry you?” It should probably bear mentioning that as far as has been shown in this movie, Despairia has never met Valeak nor heard of his desire to marry her. So she’s probably thinking at this point, “What in Sam Hill is he talking about?” Azure adds that “Valeak is no longer of this world.” That’s what he thinks. “Your beauty is only equaled by my wisdom.” Which itself is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares of the sides of a right triangle that are not the hypotenuse. “We’ll unite the Hellenes and Babylon and be the greatest empire on earth!”

“You’re right,” comes a familiar growl. Uh, oh. Salmon Oscar charges in, and he’s not happy. But then when is he ever? “First we must decide who will be the real emperor.” And with that, he takes out the sword that Valeak gave him. Yep, the sword we saw in an earlier act. Oh, Anton Chekhov, you’ve done it again!

Azure tries to stall for time. “We’ve always cooperated.” Time for another spit-take, methinks. “We’ll go to Hellenes, and decide there.” Salmon Oscar goes off the rails at this point. “Valeak is alive!” he yells in a very Dr. Frankenstein voice. It’s alive! Salmon Oscar starts beating the crap out of Azure, claiming he betrayed him. The sword does what swords are designed to, and Azure now runs red. Don’t know what to do now that pink has turned to blue. Or vice versa. Despairia screams. “It’s not wisdom you need, but the sword!” says Salmon Oscar, slicing through her ropes and leading her out of the room. No, I think at this point she needs decent hair-care products, by the looks of it.

They end up in the throne room, and she runs to Hercules. He leads her out as the Assyrian soldiers take on the Babylonians and Salmon Oscar. Krissipuss and Bahair follow. Outside on the steps of the palace Hercules has no problem taking out two guards. “This way,” he says to his entourage. You know he was just dying to say “Walk this way.” It could have been a good comedic moment. But no.

Hercules instructs Despairia to go with Bahair and Krissipuss. He has one more thing to do to keep the Babylonians from following them. Hmm...I wonder what that could be. “This evil must be cut off at the roots.” That’s basically my philosophy when gardening.

In the throne room, Salmon Oscar freaks out. Again. And elsewhere, Bomeer tells Tennille it’s time to leave.

Down in the cavern, Hercules find the winch, and starts turning the wheel. The chains tighten.

From his window, Salmon Oscar watches Tennille and Bomeer assembling troops. She is looking around worriedly. Salmon Oscar really really likes his sword. Say what you will about Valeak, he knows how to shop for people. But then, sometimes you need to use an arrow, so Salmon Oscar grabs a bow and is about to shoot Tennille right between the bare shoulder blades as her back is turned, but at that moment, the building starts to shake. The ceiling collapses on him.

That gets Tennille’s attention. “It’s too soon. Who gave the order?” she asks Bomeer. And we see Salmon Oscar’s dead body. You know what they say, live by the sword, die by the collapsed ceiling. Sad, really.

Down in the cavern, Hercules continues to turn the winch the chains tighten. Surely, someone would have noticed all these chains connected to their buildings before.

A beam snaps, and down goes a tower. As Tennille and Bomeer are fleeing with their loot, another tower collapses and takes out Bomeer. Tennille looks at him blankly. “Help me,” he says. She mulls that over for a while until he finally dies. Well, saved from another agonizing decision.

There is more intercutting of Hercules turning the winch and buildings collapsing. Big wheel keep on turnin’, proud Babylon keep on fallin’. A jug warehouse goes down. A lit oil lamp falls onto a pile of oily rags and starts a fire. So this was how the Chicago Fire started.

More buildings go down. Funny how piles of bricks and rubble only fall on top of people.

Outside the city, Despairia, Bahair, and Krissipuss watch the destruction of Babylon from afar. Bahair tells one of the soldiers to find a horse and warn Valeak. Yeah, he might not have noticed that the entire city is falling down. Krissipuss earns his pay for the week: he warns Despairia that Bahair and Valeak are plotting to betray them. They scuffle, and Bahair runs Krissipuss through with his sword. That makes Despairia a little suspicious and she takes off. Bahair follows her.

Despairia comes across Tennille standing alone on a rock. Even devoid of riches and her city destroyed, she conveys no emotion whatsoever. She grabs Despairia. “Deliver her to Valeak,” she tells Bahair. Priority Mail. And be sure to get a signature! I don’t think we need to insure her for more than $100.

However, as Bahair has his back turned, Tennille drives a dagger into his back. No, don’t do that to me one more time! Tennille runs off with Despairia. So, what is her plan now? Is Tennille going to marry Despairia and become the king of the Hellenes?

Hercules has finished destroying Babylon, and he runs out of the cavern. Meanwhile, the Assyrian soldiers catch up to Valeak—who has amassed all his troops—and tell him that the Bahair has the Queen of the Hellenes. “Just as I planned it!” gloats Valeak. “Men! We’re ready to surround the city.” Um, about that...

Anyway, hundreds of horsemen charge across the countryside, their standards a-waving. Looks like they had money left over after buying Peter Lupus all that skin bronzer.

But soft! Bahair isn’t dead. In fact, he’s getting better. He comes across Hercules. “I betrayed you,” he says. “I sent someone to warn Valeak. Soon he will arrive with his cavalry.” And? Bahair falls down. Now he’s dead. Uh—no, he’s still going... “Krissipuss, I killed him...I ask your pardon.” Is Hercules legally empowered to pardon him? Now Bahair is dead— No, no, he’s still going on... “I had orders to kill you,” he tells Hercules. Did he succeed? He mentions Despairia. That gets Hercules’ attention. “She is down there...with Tennille...” Now Bahair is dead. Dead as a doornail. Hercules lumbers off.

Tennille drags Despairia right into the path of the oncoming Assyrian cavalry. They are both surrounded. Valeak rides up. “Who is she?” he asks Tennille. Gee, buddy, three guesses who it is? “If I tell you, will you spare my life?” asks Tennille. “I don’t need to be told who she is,” says Valeak. Then why did you ask?! “Hercules!” exclaims Despairia. No, that’s not who she is.

Oh, actually, Herc is back. And he’s not happy.

“Hercules liberated you because I ordered it!” says Valeak. Nice try, buddy. “No, that’s not true!” contradicts Hercules. Great; a debate. Just what this movie needs. Hercules says, “I was only pretending to follow your orders so I could discover your plan.” I wasn’t really your bestest friend. I was just pretending. “You betrayed me!” yells Valeak. “You betrayed me!” counters Hercules. Great; this has all the cogent argument of a cable news talk show. “I saved your life and yet you ordered Bahair to eliminate me,” says Hercules. “Nyah nyah nyah.”

Before that tedious argument can go any further, the escaped slaves run over the top of a hill. They attack the Assyrian cavalry with short sticks. This will be quite the match, won’t it? Valeak takes that opportunity to try to run Hercules through with his sword. Hercules manages to get the sword away from him, and Valeak runs away. I guess that is the better part of valor. Hercules runs after him.

The slaves are actually doing pretty well against the Assyrians. But then the Assyrians are all wearing burkhas, so they probably can’t see all that much, which makes it easy to beat them, I would imagine.

Amidst all this folderol, Tennille wanders into some bushes. Does she have to pee? She looks down at her ring. She apparently won Superbowl XXIII.

Hercules catches up with Valeak and literally punches him to death. Despairia is watching, and doesn’t seem that impressed. It does lack that certain je ne sais quoi.

One of the Assyrians shouts, “Let’s surrender! Our king is dead!” The Assyrians all take off.

Hercules and Despairia come across Tennille, she falls to the ground. There was apparently some sort of poison in her ring that she consumed. Or she literally died of embarrassment. Could go either way.

Some time later, Hercules is leading the Chosen People across the desert to the Promised Land. This is the weirdest retelling of Exodus I think I‘ve ever seen. They top a rise, and Hercules says to Despairia, “There is your land.” And it is a huge, barren wasteland virtually identical to the one they just left. No wonder she’s called Despairia. “Now it is easy to predict a long and happy life for you,” says another woman. Down in Depressiontown?

Several others get down and kiss the ground. Then they all slog down to Miseryville, apparently overjoyed.

The end.

I think this is the weirdest infomercial for Hercules Hooks I think I’ve ever seen.

Wickedpedia entry: Babylon

Babylon started as a city, then became a city-state, and at the zenith of its influence, was a city-state-ZIP. Such was the power of ancient Babylon that its shipping address was the same as its billing address.

Babylon was part of ancient Mesopotamia, sometimes considered an empire, sometimes considered a strip mall. The remains can be found in present-day Al Hillah, Iraq, about 50 miles south of Baghdad. Alternatively, remains can also be found in Babylon, NY, in Suffolk County on Long Island, south of the Sunrise Highway.

Babylon has been officially recognized as one of the first civilizations on earth. Indeed, eyewitnesses presented with a row of ancient civilizations in a police lineup successfully identified Babylon as the first.

Still, all that remains of Babylon today is a “History Happened Here” marker alongside the Montauk Highway.

The city flourished and attained prominence and political repute with the rise of the First Babylonian Dynasty. It had become the “holy city” of Babylonia by 2300 B.C., the seat of the Neo-Babylonian Empire by 612 B.C., and a cheesy tourist trap by 400 B.C.

The famous Hanging Gardens of Babylon were one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, but their humble start as a potted geranium suspended above a garage door belies the grandeur the gardens eventually attained, thanks to the advent of Miracle Gro in the latter part of the fifth century B.C. As for why they were hanging, several archaeologists believe it had to do with the fact that the Garden Weasel had yet to be invented, which impeded the progress of gardening—if not agriculture in general—for millennia.

The word “Babylon” is the Greek variant of the Akkadian Babilu (meaning “song played by Ricky Ricardo”). In the Hebrew Bible, the name appears as בבל (Babel), interpreted by Book of Genesis 11:9 to mean “confusion” (of languages), from the verb balbal, “to confuse.” Confused? That’s the idea.

It was this latter definition that finds its most favor in the context of Hercules and the Tyrants of Babylon.

The last days of Babylon came when its most enlightened rulers, Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal and Gilgamesh decided to get out of politics and form a band. (Chronicled in the They Might Be Giants song, “The Mesopotamians.”)

Despite the fact that each of the rulers in this quartet lived at completely different times, their decision to form a rockin’ teen combo left a power vacuum which was easily exploited by the three siblings, Salmon Oscar, Azure, and Tennille, who would eventually become the Tyrants of Babylon. (This title has been conferred upon them by later historians; in their own time, they were referred to as the Dullards of Babylon.) And the rest is history. Highly fictionalized revisionist history, but history nonetheless.

Posted 07/09/09

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