Auteur/Perpetrator: Tom Graeff
Star of Shame: No one to speak of
Monster(s): Giant lobster; fortysomething teenager who resembles Morrissey
“Plot”: Aliens from space arrive on Earth to breed seafood
By Richard Romano
There is a case that could be made for remaking Teenagers from Outer Space. It’s one of those movies that really suffer from its budget, and if there had been a bit more money available for proper actors, decent special effects, and a script polish or five, it probably could have been a decent little yarn. As it is, it’s a pretty inoffensive little “misfit from space” movie, that really does have a kind of charm to it, in the way that these cheesy 1950s space movies can. I suspect it was given the title Teenagers from Outer Space to play on the emerging rebel youth culture of the 1950s, but there really isn’t much connection whatsoever in the film itself aside from “younger generation wants to overthrow stodgy older generation,” and even then it's just the one guy. In fact, all the “teenagers” look like they wouldn’t even be carded in Price Chopper, which is saying something.
The movie opens, as any respectable science-fiction movie should, at an observatory. They need to close that big door; they have a serious moth problem by the looks of it. One astronomer thinks he saw something odd through the telescope. “It must have been my imagination that makes me realize how desperately alone the Earth is, hanging in space like a speck of food floating in the ocean sooner or later to be swallowed up by some creature floating by.” Wow, he is the world’s most depressing astronomer; I guess he hasn’t been the same since they demoted Pluto. “Oh, come now,” says Dr. Mason, whose fake goatee makes me think he is trying to pretend he is not in this movie. What, was the consume shop out of a pair of Groucho nose and glasses? “Time will tell,” says Dr. Depresso, “we can only wait and wonder...”
And we cut to a dog howling at the sky. I hear you.
In the sky above the desert (and the dog), a ship is descending. It’s kind of a cool ship, being a saucer attached to the top of a large screw. Earth is screwed. It’s less effective when it is superimposed over the landscape, since it looks like it’s about six inches wide. It drills down into the ground.
And as the craft lands and opens, we get the opening titles. “David Love” is the star. Well, he’s on screen most of the time. Whether that means he’s the “star” is open to debate. It also stars Harvey B. Dunn, which is what they used to announce at the end of stage productions of Harvey. It also co-stars Tom Lockyear. A “lockyear” is an official form of measurement defined as “the length of time it takes to break into a really high-quality lock.” Actually Tom Lockyear is a pseudonym for the director, Tom Graeff. And featuring “Robert King Moody.” King Moody was known for his uneven reign; people could either have knighthoods bestowed upon them, or be beheaded, at the drop of a hat (or head). And few people realize this but you could rub Helen Sage on a roast chicken to make it extra savory. The production associate was C.R. Kaltenthaler (not H.R. Pufnstuff) which, according to the Internet Movie Database, was the real name of star David Love. And, of course, written, produced, and directed by Tom Graeff (aka Tom Lockyear). So basically there were at most five people involved in making this movie. Good graeff...
The dog runs up to the landed spaceship and starts barking. Or, I should say, some guy barked like a dog on the soundtrack by the sound of it. (Dog union rules at the time required that dogs get paid more if they barked, so to save money they decided to ADR—additional dog recording—the barking.) The top of the ship opens, and one of its occupants emerges, zapping the dog with a flashlight. The dog collapses into a heap of bones. That’s pretty cool; I certainly could have used one of those devices in California when I had a perpetually barking dog living next door to me.
The alien takes off his helmet—hey, it’s Morrissey! I think we all know he is from outer space. Another alien emerges. I guess on their planet, teenagers are all in their 40s. That could explain why there are no teenage girls on the ship: since they’re probably going through both puberty and menopause simultaneously their hormones just flame out.
A couple more aliens emerge carrying a trunk; I can see the alternate title of the movie now: They Came to Move Into a College Dorm. Our hero, Derek, comes out carrying what looks like of those old Close’n’Play phonographs. They Came to Play 45 RPM Records. Derek spies the dog bones and is curious. They start unpacking equipment and twiddling knobs. They babble some mumbo jumbo about the “readings.” “Everyday is like Sunday,” says Morrissey.
While Vernon, Morrow, and Sol report in (Sol?), Derek returns to the dog bones. Great; he’s the Michael Jackson of his generation. He picks up the dog’s ID tag. The captain of the ship orders the “young Gargan” to be brought out. Derek stops and says he has found evidence of intelligent life. “Of what use are foreign beings?” interjects Morrissey (adding “What difference does it make? It makes none but now you have gone and you must be looking very old tonight.”) Derek rips into him for killing the dog “to satisfy your endless hunger for killing.” Well, you know, barbarism begins at home.
The captain orders the Gargan-getting to proceed. Derek holds them at gunpoint and insists that they will report that conditions will be unsuitable...for whatever it they are planning to do. The hundreds of Gargans will not be brought to earth to destroy the local inhabitants. Oh, good— Huh? “You have concern for foreign beings over our mission to find grazing land for our Gargan herds?” overacts the captain. Actually, by definition, you would be the foreign beings, but go on. He gives a bit of back story; they need a back-up food supply for their people and they are out scouting other planets to put their herds. “Our people,” scoffs Derek. “We live like parts of a machine.” Encased in Styrofoam packaging? “We don’t know our fathers and mothers, we’re raised in cubicles, the sick and old are put to death...” Ah, so nothing like Earth, in other words. Nope, not at all. “It is the one and only way to maintain the supreme race!” hams the captain. Derek has been reading up on the way things used to be. “Families. Brothers and sisters. There was happiness. There was love.” David Love. Or Mike Love from the Beach Boys (as in “Mike Love Not War”)? Perhaps even Christie Love.
Captain Drama asks him where he heard of these things. “I have read.” Oh, well, in that case, I’m convinced. “I have read from this book.” And he takes it out of...somewhere. Wait—it’s only an Amy Tan novel. I wouldn’t base any notions of family on that. They Came to Read the Joy Luck
Club. Anyway, the book apparently escaped the “flames of the annihilators” or, in fact, “the invention of the Kindle.”
Ah, and here comes the most famous line from this movie, as Mr. Drama exclaims, “When we return to our planet, the high court may well sentence you to TOR-CHA!”
Captain TOR-CHA! asks to see the book. Derek considers giving it to him, but unfortunately there was nothing in the book about not being a chump, and as he is handing the book to Captain TOR-CHA!, he is easily disarmed. The Gargan is again called for, and Captain TOR-CHA! explains how they are the supreme race and that Derek is a fool. Morrissey keeps him under guard; don’t blame the sweet and tender hooligan. He explains to Derek what will happen once they bring the Gargans; they will grow to millions of times their original size. I know the feeling; it’s like being at a week-long conference. But then, you know, some Gargans are bigger than others, and some Gargans’ mothers are bigger than other Gargans’ mothers.
Meanwhile, the others go bring up the young Gargan, which is nothing more than a normal-sized lobster. Hmm...herds of giant lobsters? Cool! I’ll bring the drawn butter! They Came to Open a Red Lobster. They then explain to each other that they Gargan herds will be a safe distance from their own planet, but their meat will be available to them. I would imagine they already know this, so this explanation is for our benefit. Captain TOR-CHA! seems quite pleased with himself. It must be the seafood lover in him. Now, off to find another planet on which to manufacture millions of lobster bibs.
However, their joy is short-lived, as it appears that the lobster, I mean the Gargan, can’t survive in Earth’s atmosphere. Perhaps putting it in water would have been a good idea. They fiddle with some equipment and Captain TOR-CHA! explains that the Gargan cannot survive because of the excessive nitrogenic gases. Okay. “Then this planet will be reported as unsuitable?” asks Derek. The captain just glares at him. He orders all the equipment to be packed up and that the prisoner be prepared for the isolation chamber. That ship is three feet across; how isolated can any chamber on it be?
The Captain goes into the ship to call home. Morrissey glowers at Derek. “I will go and get the straps.” I bet. As they fiddle with some equipment, Derek takes off. Morrissey tries to shoot him, but the captain comes up from the ship and says not to, and the ray beam hits a tree instead. The Captain then explains that he just learned that Derek is the son of their leader, and that even Derek doesn’t know. That doesn’t sit well with Morrissey, who after all is nothing more than the son and heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. In a nutshell, no TOR-CHA! for Derek.
“When the sky is light, we will begin to search for him.” When the sky is light? It’s noon. How much lighter does he want it?
Meanwhile, it turns out that the Gargan is not dead, but is actually stronger than ever. I guess it’s true; that which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. But he who fights with Gargans might take care lest he thereby become a Gargan. They Came to Quote Nietzsche. The Captain orders the others to secure the Gargan “with expandable leg bands.” Those rubber bands they put on lobster claws? And get out the nutcrackers! They secrete the Gargan in a nearby cave. Isn’t it uncanny how aliens always manage to land near caves? I wonder if they’ll run into Zontar while they’re there.
They muse about how big the Gargan will grow, and that there will be many of them covering the landscape. Sounds delicious! But they are not to worry: the Gargans will be harvested by air, so there will be no danger to themselves. Whew! I was concerned about that.
The captain goes below and calls home again to give the leader the good news. The leader appears on the viewscreen, and I think his beard is in the process of growing millions of times its natural size and rampaging across the countryside. Either that or we found out what happened to the vaporized dog’s fur. The Captain is ordered to leave behind one guy to track down Derek while the rest of them return to lead the transport ships. Morrissey offers to be the one to track down Derek. Yep; you are the quarry. As buzzards circle overhead, the guy who made the dog sounds earlier now attempts to caw like a buzzard. Yeah.
Meanwhile, Derek has made it to a main road and heads into town. Little kids gawk at him. At a gas station, he asks the attendant to explain the inscription on the dog’s tag, which turns out to be a nearby address. The attendant gives him directions, and off he goes. The attendant stares after Derek, and in his distracted state, spills the gas he had been pumping. The driver of the car, Jack Benny by the looks of it, is not happy. The attendant admits he was trying to figure out what kind of clothes Derek had been wearing. “Looks like some kind of military uniform.” No, it really doesn’t. “I wonder where he’s from.” “He could be from Mars for all I care,” grouses Jack Benny. Now cut that out!
At the same time, Morrissey is walking along the highway in pursuit of Derek. When in this charming car, this charming man...offers him a lift into town. Why pamper life’s complexity when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat? Morrissey gets in and off they go.
Derek finds the address on the dog’s tag. The dog’s purported owner, Betty, lives with her grandfather. There is a “room for rent” sign on the side of the house, which will prove convenient. She invites Derek inside to meet her grandfather, played by Harvey B. Dunn (perhaps most infamous for his role as the parakeet-obsessed police captain in Ed Wood’s Bride of the Monster). He extends his hand and Derek looks down horrified, as Grandpa is missing his index finger. See what happens when nail-biting gets out of hand? (Ahem.)
There is some small talk made about how the room had been previously occupied by her brother Bud, who is now married and lives upstate. Derek is surprised that she knew her brother. “I never had any brothers or sisters,” he says. “Your mother and father decided to play it smart,” says Grandpa. Ha ha ha. “I never knew my mother or father,” says Derek. “Well, let’s take a look at the room,” says Grandpa, wisely changing the subject. If you find my finger, you can keep it. Betty suddenly decides to show Derek the room herself, and it appears that the room for rent is the laundry room. Well, okay... Grandpa chuckles. Wow, he started drinking early.
In the car, Morrissey demands to be shown how the car operates. The driver explains. A jumped up pantry-boy who never knew his place, he said “return the ring” (he knows so much about these things). The driver notices he is low on gas and heads for the nearest gas station.
Betty and Grandpa talk about Derek. She had tried to find out where he was from, but all he said was “from a long way away.” France? Grandpa, glued to the newspaper (perhaps literally), says that the uniform leads him to suspect that he was from a private school or something like that; he just can’t put his finger on it. (Doh!) Derek emerges from the room and is baffled as to why they would let him stay there. Betty is quick to add—and Grandpa seconds—that if he can’t pay the rent right away, they’ll float him for a few months until he gets a job (this is science fiction!). He looks down at the metal ID tag; perhaps he was thinking of paying them in dog tags. Grandpa says to have his bags brought over; Derek says he has no other possessions. Betty says that her brother Bud’s clothes would fit him; given how slender Derek is, her brother was more like Bud Light.
At that point, “Joe” arrives, and Betty runs out, telling Derek to “put on anything in the closet.” Hmm...she didn’t specify that it couldn’t be her closet, did she? Or Grandpa’s?
Joe is Betty’s boyfriend or something (at least for now) and works for the local paper. He was supposed to go swimming with her over at Alice’s (the restaurant?), but was sent out on assignment. “I have a list of folks to interview. Say they saw a new flying saucer last night.” A new one, huh? Well, the old ones were getting rather dull. And off he goes. “I guess a news reporter’s life is very hectic,” muses Grandpa. “You never know when a news story is gonna break.” Like the recent headline, “Area Man Mugged; Finger Stolen.” Betty then wonders if Derek would like to go swimming. Oh, like that didn’t occur to her before. Grandpa agrees. “If you’re don’t think Alice would mind.” Says Betty, “You don’t know Alice. I won’t be able to keep them apart.” Youch. Grandpa smiles knowingly. So that’s what happened to his finger. (I have no idea what that means.)
A few blocks away, Morrissey and his driver pull into the same gas station that Derek had just passed through. The gas station attendant is wiping down the windows. Did gas station attendants ever do this? But then he is using a greasy rag, so perhaps it's not the convenience I think it is. He spies Morrissey in the front seat. “Is there some kind of convention in town?” he asks. Or a concert perhaps? Morrissey perks up. “What?” he demands. “I was talking to a guy this morning who was wearing the exact same outfit.” Johnny Marr? Morrissey jumps out and shakes the guy down. “What did you tell him? Where did he go?” How soon is now? “You will tell me what he said to you!” He throws the gas station attendant to the ground and pulls out his laser. The attendant gives him the address and the directions that had been on the dog tag. The driver of the car decides to speed out of there, but Morrissey zaps him and a pile of bones slumps over the steering wheel. Then the gas station attendant tries to flee, and Morrissey zaps him, turning him into a crawling pile of bones. It’s pretty cool, actually. Morrissey yanks the bones of the driver out of the car and tosses them unceremoniously to the ground. He then gets in and takes off.
Meanwhile, there is the screech of another car’s tires. Betty has been letting Derek drive. They Came to Take Driving Lessons. “You don’t have to put on the brake so hard unless you want us to go through the window,” she says. Maybe he does. “I have never piloted a vehicle like this before.” They arrive at Alice’s house, and Betty hopes Alice can dig up some swim trunks for him. Given that Alice apparently lives in a Vanderbilt mansion, I would be surprised if Alice couldn’t have a made-to-order swimsuit whipped up right on the spot by a team of seamstresses.
They find Alice in the pool. Betty explains that Joe couldn’t make it, but she brought along someone just as good. Alice starts leering at him. “Derek...I like that.” Yowza. “Come on in, the water’s fine.” The pool, too. Betty asks about swim trunks. “No problem. You can wear my father’s.” Sure, it’s probably one of those full-body, Victorian-era bathing suits. She quickly adds that her parents and “the servants” are all out. “We have the whole place to ourselves.” Why even bother with the swim trunks at all then? The swim trunks are hanging on a clothesline. “They look a little large,” says Betty holding a bathing suit that would be tight on a Hobbit. “Maybe you had better put them on with some clothespins,” suggests Alice. Um, clipped to what exactly? Derek accidentally drops the dog tag in the pool, and Alice dives down to fetch it. “I thought it was a 50-cent piece at least,” she says. She lives in San Simeon and she’s making a mad dash for 50 cents? Betty recognizes her dog's tag, and Derek tells her he had found a small creature that had been killed. “Who’d want to kill Sparky?” I’d lay odds on Grandpa, but he’d probably wait to find out where the dog buried the finger first. Betty asks Derek to take her out to where the dog’s remains were.
Morrissey pulls up to the house as Grandpa is watering the yard. Oh, god, that’s not a hose! Oh, whew! yes, it is. Anyway, Grandpa recognizes Morrissey’s jumpsuit, thinks he’s a friend of Derek’s, and immediately tells him where Derek and Betty went. “I’m sure they’d be delighted to have you join in the fun.” But doesn’t heaven know he’s miserable now? Anyway, this guy sure exudes fun, he does. Grandpa gives him directions, pointing down the block. Hey, his finger grew back! Oh, that’s his other hand... “Where are you guys from, anyway?” Grandpa asks. France? “Don’t let me keep you. You’re probably anxious to see him.” The good thing about Grandpa is that you don’t even need to say anything; he can carry on both parts of a conversation all by himself.
Derek and Betty drive out to the desert and view Sparky’s bones. She doesn’t recognize her dog. “You are not familiar with the focusing disintegrator ray?” Derek asks. Is that like the Famous Original Ray? He explains in quite a detailed fashion what it does. “How horrible,” she says. I don’t know. Kind of convenient, really. She asks a bunch of questions about who “they” are. Then, out of nowhere, Derek asks, “Betty, what is the most advanced form of transportation you know?” “Well, airplanes.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. “And where do they go?” he asks. “Well, anywhere in the world.” But mostly Atlanta. “And that’s all?” “Where else is there to go?” Chicago O’Hare? “Do they serve anything but peanuts? Does the TSA ever not destroy people’s luggage? Do I have to pay to use the restroom?”
He regrets having brought her out into the desert. She asks, “Is it about some new secret weapon that you invented and now they’ve turned against you?” Wow, she’s making up her own little movie. “I should find someone I can explain it to,” says Derek. Betty is quick to suggest “Professor Simpson at the college.” Doh! “He’s head of the Science Department.” It must be a very prestigious college to have a single “Science” department. Derek is morose. “When you learn where I am from, I hope it won’t make any difference.” Oh, come on, lots of people are from New Jersey. She insists it won’t make a difference. “Somehow I feel as if I’ve always known you. That we’ve never been apart.” Is that good? Is she sick of him already? “Let us go to the professor you speak of.” Maybe he should stop by the English Department after that. She points out that she has to stop by the house to change first. As they are leaving, Derek hears a noise form the cave. Ah, the Gargan. He doesn’t recognize the noise.
Speaking of Gargans, at Alice’s, Morrissey shows up, and she immediately starts flirting with him. Well, she’s barking up the wrong tree there. What she asked of me at the end of the day, Caligula would have blushed. “You are alone!” he demands. “Could be,” she coos playfully. He demands to know where Betty and Derek went, and that turns off even her. She threatens to call the police. “You will call no one. You will do as I say.” “That’s what you think, mister,” she says. That’s telling him. She defiantly swims across the pool and he zaps her. Her bones fall back into the pool. Yep, pretty girls make graves.Come on in, the water's fine?
At Betty’s house, she has changed back into her Laura Petrie dress, and Grandpa is asleep on the couch, his face buried underneath the newspaper. In his dream, he has nothing but index fingers—even on his feet. Betty leaves a note for him and heads back outside. In the car, she explains that she left a note. “But if I know Grandpa, we’ll be back before he even wakes up.” Youch.
However, Grandpa is awakened by the telephone ringing. It is Joe, asking where Betty is. Grandpa sleepily explains that she and Derek went over to Alice’s pool. By the way, this Joe is played by Tom Lockyear who is in reality our auteur, Tom Graeff. “Who’s Derek?” Joe asks. Hey, you wrote the damn thing. “Oh, you haven’t met him yet,” says Grandpa. “He rented Bud’s old room this morning.” He has 10 fingers, but seems like a nice fellow anyway. Joe casually mentions that, “I stumbled onto a double-murder story that may keep me longer. After I get the story in to the paper, I’ll go on over to Alice’s.” Grandpa is a tad more excited by the double murder than blasé old Joe. Joe doesn’t know much, “there’s just a couple of skeletons here. We’ll know more when the coroner gets here.” He hangs up, just as Grandpa finds the note which had been directly in front of him.
Morrissey arrives back at the house, and Grandpa hands him the note. This is turning into a weird French farce.
At the local high school—I mean, the college—Betty and Derek arrive. As it turns out, the Science Department is right inside the front door. The secretary tells them that Professor Simpson hasn’t come in yet. Betty decides, “We’ll wait for him in the faculty parking lot. It’s just around the building.” Why don’t you wait for him in his office? The secretary makes that suggestion, but Betty insists they’ll wait for him outside. Is the secretary that offputting? Is it an odor of some kind? Is it her weird, vaguely Russian accent? Naturally, as they go around the side of the building, they miss the professor entering the front door. This is a French farce! He greets Hilda, the secretary, and she goes off to look for the “aptitude tests.” Maybe the director should take one.
Morrissey enters the front door, and a janitor directs him to Professor Simpson’s office.
Out in the parking lot, Betty stops and says, “That’s Professor Simpson’s car right there.” She knows his car? In all my four years of college, I don’t think I was ever familiar with the cars any of my professors drove. “He must be somewhere else on campus. We’d better go back to his office and wait.” But you were just— Oh, never mind. And referring to that as a “campus” is a bit charitable; I think “building” would be more accurate.
In Professor Simpson’s office, he is on the phone. Morrissey barges in and demands he put the phone down. “What is the meaning of this?” the professor asks. Morrissey wants to know “where he is, the one who came with information for you.” “Who?” asks the professor, “you are making some mistake.” You know, belligerent ghouls run Manchester schools, spineless bastards all. Professor Simpson grabs the phone, but then Morrissey zaps him. I wanna go home, I don’t want to stay, give up education as a bad mistake. Morrissey then flees out the window. Out the window? He’s barged through town leaving discarded bones in his wake and now he decides to be stealthy?
And then Betty and Derek meet Hilda in the hall and arrive back at Simpson’s office to find a fleshless skeleton behind the professor desk. Actually, it kind of reminds me of one or two really really old English professors I had. Hilda screams and tosses her papers all over the place. “Some kind of foolish joke,” Hilda exclaims. “I’m not going to work in a place where this kind of thing goes on.” It’s better than the sexual harassment, you have to give it that. Derek realizes that one of his people has been left behind and that he was traced there. Betty realizes that they must have intercepted the note she left for Grandpa. She runs to try to call him.
She tells Grandpa that the guy to whom he gave the directions is a murderer trying to kill Derek. She tells him to get out of the house; they are going to “the City Hall Police Station right now. Meet us there.” After she hangs up, she says, “I’d better call the police to let them know we’re coming.” Do you have to make reservations for the police station? “With what weapons are they equipped?” asks Derek. “Guns,” says Betty. “Guns that emit what?” he asks. A giant flag that says “Bang!” of course. She says “Bullets.” “Bullets,” he repeats, “a centuries-old invention against...” They’ll still work, right?
As soon as Grandpa hangs up, Morrissey arrives back at the house. Oh, brother. They Came to Drive Endlessly from Place to Place. I would rather not go back to the old house. He charges into the house and starts searching.
Derek tells Betty that he wants her to go someplace safe. “Where could be safer than City Hall?” she asks. No comment... “They’re going to have armed guards waiting outside for us.” I’d like to have overheard that conversation. “I told them we’d be right there. Let’s hurry!” They won’t hold our table forever!
Back at the house, Grandpa runs out the back door and heads toward the car. Morrissey bursts out the front door and aims his blaster. “Halt!” He’s gonna have to set that thing on high to dissolve all that lot. “I just spoke to my granddaughter. You’ll not get any help from me.” Grandpa asks why Morrissey wants to kill Derek. “It is only important that I return him from where he came.” “Where is that?” “From where he escaped.” Doh! “I need not harm anyone if you tell me where he is.” “He’s...in the center of the city.” Morrissey then orders Grandpa to drive him there.
Meanwhile, Joe arrives at Alice’s house and finds her skeleton at the bottom of the pool “Holy mackerel!” Not quite.
At City Hall, sure enough, there are armed guards on the steps. Oddly, they’re all plainclothes cops. Wouldn’t a few uniformed offers have been more appropriate? “You think the tip was a phony?” asks one of them. Oh, what are the odds? “The girl who called seemed to know what she was talking about.” Uh huh.
As Derek and Betty are driving toward City Hall, Grandpa and Morrissey somehow end up behind them. Morrissey aims his blaster at them, but Grandpa is too crafty and beeps the horn to alert them and swerves to knock Morrissey off balance. Or that could be just the way Grandpa drives normally. It’s hard to tell. Derek pulls up and parallel parks right in front of City Hall. Grandpa parks in an alley across the street. I can sympathize; I can’t parallel park either. As Derek runs up the steps, Morrissey charges across the street. All the gunmen duck behind stone pillars. There is a shootout between the plainclothes policemen and Morrissey. A few of the cops are skeletonized. I wonder if you can be partly skeletonized; I mean, what if the ray only hits a hand, a thigh, a lower jaw, an index finger, or something? Alas, we shall never find out. Finally, Morrissey is hit. You have killed me; I walk around somehow but you have killed me. The cops go look for him, but he somehow slunk away while in direct view of everyone.
Meanwhile, Joe arrives and runs up to Betty, telling her that he had just come from Alice’s and found a skeleton in the pool. Betty is upset; boy, that Joe knows how to say just the right thing. Joe asks where “Gramps” is. “There he is,” says Betty, “trying to cross the street.” And, sure enough, Grandpa is trying to wait for a break in traffic. That could have made for a good, Frogger-like video game had there been such things when this movie came out. Joe offers to go help him across.
Derek is patrolling the sidewalk with a gun. Why would the cops let this guy have one of their guns? Betty runs down and spies some bloodstains on the sidewalk next to their car. Uh oh... Yep, sure enough, Morrissey had been crouching down in the back seat and he suddenly pops up and orders Derek to hand over his weapon. Derek does what he says, and Derek and Betty are ordered into the car. “Take me to a man of surgery who can remove the metal pellets from my flesh,” orders Morrissey. Betty knows a doctor’s office. Okay, so it’s a gynecologist, but any port in a storm... “She is very wise,” says Morrissey. No, she really isn’t. They drive off.
Meanwhile, Grandpa is explaining everything to Joe. They suddenly realize that Betty is gone; “they must have left without me,” says Grandpa. “Don’t worry,” says Joe, “you’ll get an escort home.” Well, that seems to make Grandpa’s day.... Joe says he is going to drive out to the “old mine” where “Sparky was killed by the guy.” That will make a compelling news story.
Then the cops finally discover the bloodstains on the sidewalk. “Where’s the car that was parked here? That’s how the killer got away!” Nice deduction. But didn’t they see what happened? The car was parked right in front of City Hall! They realize that Derek and Betty were kidnapped. Grandpa starts freaking out. “You have to do something!” I half expect the rest of his fingers to come shooting off like spring snakes at any moment. The cops look at him blankly. Then again, maybe they aren’t cops. Maybe they’re just members of the City Council, which could certainly explain their inability to actually accomplish anything.
Cut to the office of C.R. Brandt, M.D. Derek, Betty and Morrissey pull up just as the doctor is leaving. “Is this an emergency? I have a house call to make. Office hours don’t begin for another hour.” Uh huh. In other words, “I’m late for my tee time.” Betty explains about how Morrissey needs the bullets removed. Yep, the boy with the thorn in his side. The doctor explains how he cannot help. And just try getting the insurance company to pay for it, too. Morrissey orders the doctor to shut up and get inside. The doctor grudgingly resigns himself to having to do something medical.
They go inside to the examination room, and the doctor tells Morrissey to lie down while he prepares the anesthetic. “No!” says Morrissey, “I will not be drugged!” What about an interesting drug? Tell the truth, it really really helped you. As the doctor gets to work, Morrissey keeps the blaster trained on Derek and Betty. He then fills Derek in on the Gargan situation—that it revived after Derek ran off—and that Derek is the son of their leader. As the doctor starts pulling what look like caterpillars out of Morrissey’s shoulder, Morrissey's vision starts to go blurry. “Antiseptic must be applied to your wound,” says the doctor, “and you will need bandages. I will get them.” Ahhh, feh! He says this with all the bedside manner of a serial killer. He is a kind and compassionate healer.
As Morrissey zones out, Derek, Betty, and the doctor flee. In the car, Derek says he will take Betty back to the police. Oh, that’ll be a help. The doctor says, “In his present condition, he cannot remain conscious long. By the time we return with the police, he should be completely helpless!” Jeez, paging Dr. Mengele.
Over...somewhere else, Joe is heading towards his car. Some guy comes up and says that he will accompany Joe to old mine shaft. Joe asks how he heard about that; “the old guy inside. He told us everything he could think of.” Grandpa? That means only the merest fraction of one percent of it was relevant to anything. Was his finger really bitten off by Martha Raye while in the throes of passion? “Okay, hop in,” says Joe. Well, that was easy. Who is this guy?
Morrissey, meanwhile, is stalking through the empty doctor’s office. He almost knocks over a lamp which, knowing that doctor, has a shade made from the skin of someone else who demanded emergency treatment. “I’ll find you!” Morrissey groans, before collapsing on the floor.
Derek and co. pull up and park outside City Hall. I will say this about that town; downtown parking is remarkably ample. I’m jealous. The doctor gasps. “My nurse, Miss Moss. She’ll be arriving for office hours.” He dashes off. That’s right; she might have the tiniest fraction of human compassion and might actually try to help someone who has been injured, the lousy bitch. Derek and Betty watch him run off, wonder whatever became of his Hippocratic oath, then run inside the building.
Back the doctor’s office, Morrissey is struggling to his feet, shouting “I can hear you breathing!” No, that’s not a Smiths lyric; that’s actually what he is saying. “I’ll find you! I’ll find you!” And he collapses right in the open front door, just as the nurse pulls up. She spies the guy lying on the floor and runs in. That kooky doctor; was this another victim of his experiments? She gets a bottle of Listerine and starts disinfecting Morrissey. The doctor tries calling the office, but she is too busy saving a guy to answer the phone. She finishes up and runs into the other room to answer the phone. “Miss Moss, thank heaven I’ve reached you.” He explains that the guy he left for dead on his floor is a murderer, and that she should get out of there. “A muwdewew?” she says. She talks like she just had emergency root canal. “If you treated him, he could revive at any moment!” You know, the doctor could have left a note; “don’t treat bleeding unconscious guy” or something. “I will leave immediately,” she says. And, wait for it...yep: “You will come with me” says Morrissey, suddenly appearing in the doorway holding the laser. He then forces her to her car.
The doctor is chagrined that he was too late. Betty is aghast that Morrissey was able to revive. “My nurse...she didn’t know. She bandaged him, gave him an injection. He revived.” Stupid cow! See, someone as well-trained in medicine as him would know that if you find an unconscious bleeding guy on the floor, you don’t help him at all until you have made a thorough background check. I mean, he could be a violent, sadistic murderer or worse: not have health insurance.
Derek mopes about how big the Gargans will grow. They must duplicate the function of the disintegrator to combat them. I don’t know; just round up a bunch of people waiting to be served at Red Lobster’s Lobsterfest and you’ll pretty much have the same thing. “If only there...is...enough...time.” Hmm...he sounds like he’s trying out for the Young William Shatner Chronicles.
Out in the desert, Joe and the other guy are walking across the sand. Wanna bet that the guy who has no name is going to get munched by the Gargan? They come across Sparky’s bones. They should just make that a tourist attraction and sell tickets. Says Joe, “I don’t get this guy.” And you never will, Romeo. Oh, wait... “Animals, humans. This guy just likes killing.” But you have to admit the disintegrator thingie is pretty cool. Heck, I’d like one of those things. I’d start with people who talk on cellphones in public... Says the Other Guy, “There’s something behind this. That weapon he uses...blasting flesh right off the bone.” I’ve been to barbecues like that. “Let’s take a look in the old cave,” says the Other Guy. Yep, off to his anonymous doom.
Morrissey and the Nuwse are dwiving into the desewt. “Whewe awe we going?” she asks. “You’ve got to tell me.” If only because she’s the one who’s driving. She tries to convince him that the police will get him, but he’s not convinced.
The Other Guy stands in the opening of the cave. “Hey!” he calls to Joe. “Bring your flashlight.” And an immense lobster bib. As Joe is walking toward him, the Other Guy enters the cave and immediately there is the sound of screaming and celery (or, I guess, bones) crunching. That gets Joe’s attention. At that moment, Morrissey and the nurse arrive and Morrissey complains about an intruder. He aims his laser, but the nurse swerves. “I won’t let you kill anyone!” “I see you do not value your life,” he says. What she said was sad, but then all the rejection she’s had to pretend to be happy could only be idiocy... Oh, all right! Enough with the Morrissey lyrics. The guy’s name is Thor. He... Wait: Thor? If I had a hammer...
Dah!
Thor demands that the nurse pursue Joe, but she won’t. “You dairy fuse!” he yells. Huh? He then karate chops her on the back of the neck and she slumps over the steering wheel. Without getting out of the car, he somehow switches seats with her. How do you do that with an unconscious person? He pursues Joe, who has taken off in his own car. They speed down the mountain. Either Thor is starting to become woozy from the pain or the cameraman is suddenly developing glaucoma—anyway the image starts to go blurry. The nurse wakes up in the passenger seat. She sees them coming to a cliff, she screams, then jumps from the moving car seconds before it shoots off the road and crashes down a steep ravine. Joe backs up and asks her if she’s hurt. “I’m glad it’s over,” she says. “It was like a nightmare.” “I wish I could say that it was over,” says Joe cryptically. “Back in the cave...some kind of man-eating monster. Mac, the guy I was with” (oh, so he did have a name—Mac?) “I could hear the thing tearing him apart....Whatever it is, the nightmare’s just begun.”
When then learn from a newspaper headline that Thor survived the crash. There is also a front page story about “New Novelty Shop Located At Hollywood and Vine.” Gotta love that Hollywood Journal. Wait...this small, Thornton Wilder-like town is Hollywood?! A newscaster then tells us that Thor is being treated at General Hospital for “minor injuries.” Minor injuries? He’s then going to be moved to Specific Hospital to have a more detailed set of injuries attended to. But more to the point: the disintegrator thingie “has not been located.” Page two: “Mystery still surrounds the disappearance of a man-eating beast said to have been in an abandoned mineshaft outside the city limits.” There is then newsreel footage of random flashlight beams playing over a stone wall and the newscaster explains that there was evidence that some kind of beast had been shackled there, but apparently broke free. “Groups of armed volunteers have set out in search of the creature...” Oh, good, that’s— groups of armed volunteers?! Is that a good idea? What about police, military, someone, you know, vaguely competent?
Derek and Betty drive out to where Thor had crashed. He is determined to find the disintegrator. “I just thought,” says Betty. Hey! Congratulations! It was bound to happen someday. Oh, I see what you mean... “The monster that escaped from the cave...it must have been there at the same time we were.” And it didn’t even say hi. “What I can’t figure out is, why did it escape when it did? Why not sooner?” Derek, you’re sure you don’t want your giant lobsters to eat the population of Earth? “It was not large enough. But the man it consumed increased its growth rate.” Human flesh is really quite fattening, especially back in the 1950s when everyone ate little more than beef and butter. “How big would it be now?” asks Betty, referring one hopes to the Gargan. “There is no telling.” Oh, you can tell us. Derek abruptly leaps from the car. “You stay here. Keep the door closed.” But at least crack a window. You what they say about leaving pets in a hot car.
He scrabbles down the hill. Betty, naturally, refuses to stay in the car, so three guesses what’s about to happen. She starts down the hill, claiming “We can find that thing twice as fast with both of us looking.” Not if they’re both looking in the same place at the same time. Naturally, on the way down, she slips and lands right in his arms. They tumble to the ground. “You make me very angry but I like you very much,” he says. Sweet talker! Here’s where David Love lives up to his name. Unfortunately, that name is Kaltenthaler. She gazes at the sky. “In a moment, the moon will come out from behind a cloud,” she says. Is that a euphemism? “It’ll be easier to see what we’re looking for.” Whew! “Yes, the light from your moon. It will help.” Is that some sort of hint that she needs to visit a tanning salon? “My moon?” she asks. “Where are you from? I think I know. I think I’ve known for some time.” France? “You’re not from this world, are you?” Well, duh! You haven’t figured that out yet? “That’s so hard to believe. You’re so much like us.” He is? “Like my brother, like Grandpa when he was young.” You know, when he had all his fingers. “We were made the same,” says Derek, “The only difference is we were put on places far, far apart.” Oh, and you breed giant lobsters and your teenagers are much older than ours. And you’re psychotic killers with a Master Race fetish, and... She asks if he likes it where he’s from. “Babies are raised like livestock and raised by the most perfect specimens of our race. The sick are put to death, as are the old.” So in other words, yeah, it’s great. “I shall make the Earth my home and I shall never ever leave it,” he says dramatically. These damn illegal aliens, taking our womenfolk, our jobs, and our seafood. We should build a giant wall around the Earth. Derek and Betty kiss.
A short time, ahem, later, the moon has appeared from behind the clouds and they continue the search for...what was it again? Oh, right: Thor’s disintegrator. She remarks how quiet it is when suddenly—a giant shadow puppet of a lobster appears in front of them. Really, movie? This is your monster? It’s not even so much a traveling matte shot as it is the matte of the silhouette of the lobster. Either the budget ran out before they could finish the effects, or they thought that looked more alien. It would be like Night of Lepus with bunny shadow puppets. Then again, that wouldn't be much sillier than Night of the Lepus already is.
Derek goes to throw a rock at it, but as he lifts the rock, he finds the disintegrator. How did it get under a rock? He tries to shoot it at the Gargan, but it won’t work. “Go start the motor! Hurry!” he yells. Go get a giant shrimp fork! They make it back to the car and drive off. He thinks he can fix the disintegrator. “We can stop the Gargan and have a weapon to use against invasion. If I...can...get...it...to...work.”
Elsewhere, the “armed volunteers” are stalking through the brush. Curiously enough, they are looking for a giant creature that tore itself loose from shackles by looking at the ground and kicking over rocks. They hear some kind of howling. Now the guy who made the dog and bird noises at the beginning of the movie is trying to go for a coyote.
Someone yells “There it is!” and a shadow claw grabs one of the guys.
Quick question: how does a lobster walk upright? Is it bouncing on its tail like Tigger?
We cut to another newspaper front page whose headline reads “Search Party Attacked by Monster.” Hm. Either that’s the same front page with just the headline changed or a second novelty store has been opened at Hollywood and Vine. Actually, that is entirely possible. There is a curiousclaw-like shadow over the newspaper; is the Gargan reading the paper?
At Betty’s house, Derek is at the kitchen table trying to fix his disintegrator. Betty comes in and says, “Grandpa was so exhausted he fell asleep with all his clothes on.” Oh, thank god for that! The problem with the disintegrator, Derek says, is that he needs a new energy source for it. Does Betty have any AA batteries kicking around? “Maybe it won’t come into the city,” says Betty, presumably about the Gargan. “It will come into the city,” stresses Derek, “for more food if nothing else.” And maybe take in a show.
Now we cut to one of the archetypal scenes from these movies—a guy sitting alone in some sort of observation tower, a bottle of Gilbey’s gin in front of him, reading a book about flying saucers. He takes a swig of gin from the bottle, looks through a pair of binoculars at...something...and grabs the phone. “This is Johnson at Station 86....There’s some kind of monster! It just popped up and seemed to touch the sky!” ‘Scuse me, while I touch the sky... “No, I have not been drinking!” he adds. Doesn’t whoever he is speaking to read the papers? “I’m getting out of here!” He runs off but...wait for it...yep, he comes back in and rescues the gin. Exactly what I would have done.
The Ed Sullivan-like TV newsreader comes back on and says that the surviving members of the search party found the creature much larger than they had expected, “indicating that the monster has some strange power of rapid growth.” Or that no one had seen it before and made some false assumptions. This is just in: the creature has been sighted just to the northeast of town, and the military has been called in. They will be there in two hours. Well, it’s hard to get the military on such short notice.
Betty tells Derek to come down into the cellar with her and Grandpa. No! Oh, to take shelter, she means... Derek is convinced he can do something, and starts gazing longingly at the power lines outside the house. He asks her about the electric grid. “You mean you might be able to make the disintegrator work by hooking it to—” “Possibly.” Why not just go down to Radio Shack; maybe there’s an AC adapter you can buy. Derek has to put the disintegrator back together, but will need the proper tools to hook it to the power lines. Betty says she will load every tool they have into the car. Great; two spatulas and a salad spinner. That’ll be a help.
They gather together the tools they will need to battle the Gargan:
We pan around the city; the streets are all abandoned. Joe pulls up to Betty’s house. Grandpa tells him that Betty and Derek have gone out. Joe explains that the creature from the cave is headed toward the town and everyone is supposed to take shelter. Grandpa literally says, “That must be where they’ve gone. Those crazy kids!” These kids today with their hula hoops, and their rock’n’roll music, and their giant lobsters. “Joe, we’ve got to try and find them!” They run to their car.
Derek and Betty see the Gargan atop a hill. they pull over and Derek immediately starts climbing a utility pole. “I am a lineman for the county...”
Betty spies some kind of telephone box nearby. “Operator,” she says into the phone, “you must connect me with the city electrical generating plant. Hurry!” Yeah.
There’s a cool (and by “cool” I mean “exceedingly silly”) shot of Derek climbing the utility pole while the giant lobster approaches. It’s kind of reminiscent of the danse macabre scene from Bergman’s Seventh Seal (and by “vaguely reminiscent” I mean “nothing like it at all.”)
The phone rings at the generating plant. Oh, this should be good. Says Betty, “Please listen to me. You must do as I say.” That’s always the best way to begin a conversation with a utility company. I’ll remember that the next time I have to call National Grid. “The monster is coming toward the town! I’m at Northridge Road. We have a weapon that might stop it if we can connect it to the power lines.” The guy at the plant is naturally a little skeptical. But, he shrugs and does what she says. Or, actually, he pulls a lever, for some reason, just as Derek starts snipping the power cables. Yep, he hears you singin’ in the wire.
Grandpa and Joe come speeding up, and spy Derek descending the pole and the giant lobster getting closer. “We’re not going to make it in time!” And what exactly are they going to do even if they do make it?
Betty instructs the guy at the power station to turn the power back on. Had she asked him to turn it off? Derek, who has connected the power lines to his little laser thingie, says “It’s not enough! It’s not enough power!” Betty asks the generator guy if he can do any better. “Ill try to speed up the generator.”
Derek is desperately trying to get the weapon to fire at the lobster, but the wires come loose. Doh! He should have brought some electrical tape. Or called Barney Collier from Mission Impossible; he could depose the leader of a small, foreign-sounding country with nothing more than a power cable and a set of alligator clips. “If only there were more power!” Derek moans. Sure, start getting passive-aggressive. That’s always a help. “Is there any way to generate more power?” asks Betty over the phone. I canna change the laws of physics! “I can join in more circuits, but it may blow up the line.” “Try anything! It’s our only chance!” Remember when teenage girls could control the world? I’d like to pit Betty against Dr. Hidaka from Gamera the Invincible. Finally, the disintegrator flares and the lobster goes down. I guess since it has an exoskeleton you don’t see the meat dissolve inside. It really is quite a shame to lose all that lobster meat. Betty and Derek embrace.
But their joy is short-lived. The sound of the spaceship is heard, and now Derek says he has to do...something. “You must not interfere.” He charges off and drives away. As he drives, he hears the hammy captain’s voice in his head (or it’s on the car radio; it’s hard to tell) telling him that they are the supreme race. Now he hears Betty saying “I have always known you” and Morriss— sorry, Thor—saying “You are the son of our leader.”
As Joe, Grandpa, and Betty drive...somewhere, Betty explains that Derek was from outer space. “Betty,” chides Grandpa, “this is no time to be joking.” Betty has to spell out to the intrepid reporter Joe that the monster, the guy who did all the killing, and the weird weapon were not from Earth, and that it had something to do with the UFOs he had been investigating earlier that day. He’s kind of slow...
They drive back to the house, and meet Derek there who has changed back into his jumpsuit. He asks Joe for a ride; Joe refuses, so Derek pulls the disintegrator on him. They get into the car. Oy; Driving Miss Daisy didn’t have this much driving people around. Derek asks to be driven to where they are holding Thor. Betty tries to explain to Joe that the disintegrator won’t work unless it’s connected to the power lines, but Derek cuts her off. “Please trust me.” And off they go. “Derek seemed like such a nice boy,” says Grandpa. Betty thinks something, and tells Grandpa about Derek’s promise that he would never go back. “I don’t think he wants to break that promise.” You may have to parse his exact words to figure out what he meant by it. “What can you do about it, honey?” “I think I know where he’s going.” She talks Grandpa into driving her out to the old mine. Oh, good, more driving.
Derek and Joe arrive at the hospital at the exact moment they are escorting Thor out to be transferred to the jail. Derek pops out with the disintegrator. “Do not move. I will take the prisoner.” He takes their guns and—oh good—they get back into the car and drive off. I think I need to find a movie that gets better mileage. In the car, Derek gives all indications of being back on the aliens’ side. The two cops outside the hospital look up and one of them says, “That’s what he meant!” Okay...
An air-raid siren wails. Ed Sullivan comes on the TV and announces that ships are approaching. There is a strange montage of people reacting to this news; a mother tries to carry her daughter in her arms, but the daughter is like 27 and the mother struggles to pick her up; elderly dwarves gaze blankly out a window perhaps hoping the aliens will rescue them from whatever prison they are incarcerated in; Millie Helper is caught in the middle of either gardening or burying her husband.
Betty and Grandpa arrive at the old mine before everyone else. Joe, Derek, and Thor are not far behind. Thor naturally wants Derek to kill everyone, but Derek demurs, saying, “They cannot change what is going to happen.” Betty naturally asks, “What’s going to happen?” “Death comes to all...” says Derek cryptically. Betty reminds Derek of his promise; “I have not forgotten it.”
The “guide ship” descends; says Joe, “He called it the ‘guide ship.’ There must be a hundred more in the sky.” I guess they have their cloaking devices on because the sky is perfectly clear.
Betty has to explain the whole movie to Joe, the guy who wrote it. That figures.
Captain TOR-CHA! emerges from the ship and is pleased that Thor was able to capture Derek. Derek says he will await his punishment. TOR-CHA!? Then, from out of the ship, “There will be no punishment, son.” Do you recognize this voice? Derek—this is your life! And he comes face to face with his father. With that ridiculously fake beard, if Derek really is a teenager from outer space, I’m guessing he is colossally embarrassed at this point.
Derek asks, “How is it you are able to leave the planet?” Or, in other words, they let you go out in public looking like that? “Will not the government structure collapse in your absence?” Wow, what a fragile system they’ve got. Some master race. It turns out no one knows he is gone. If word got out, it would spark a revolution. They talk about the book that Derek had mentioned earlier. Apparently, Derek had quite the little book club back on the planet. Derek is to be recruited as a snitch to track down others who might have such books. Derek looks up. “The fleet is approaching. They are flying from radio signals from the guide ship, are they not? Let me be the one to direct them in for a landing.” Uh oh. I think we’re about to find out what was in the fine print in Derek’s promise to never leave Earth... Dad is all too eager to give Derek the keys to the ship. “Go below, Derek, you will bring them in.” Captain TOR-CHA! isn’t all that hot on the idea; he’s dealt with student drivers before.
Derek goes into the ship and closes the hatch. He instructs the fleet to increase their speed...and crash. The aliens freak out as the fleet is coming down right on top of them. Grandpa, Betty, and Joe take shelter in the cave. Somewhere, a volcano erupts—oh, it’s actually supposed to be the massive spaceship pile up. Call it Derek of the Edmund Fitzgerald. So the pilots of the other ships didn’t think it odd that they were ordered to speed up and smash into the ground?
Grandpa, Betty, and Joe emerge from the cave. Betty is a little bummed out. Derek’s face appears in the sky. “I shall make the earth my home, and I shall never ever leave it.” Ah, but he didn’t say he wouldn’t be in 500 pieces.
And Grandpa, Betty, and Joe walk off.
The end.
There was actually a brief spinoff of this movie made, called The Flying Fickle Finger of Fate, telling what really happened to Grandpa’s index finger. Turns out, it was severed in a freak coffee percolator accident and, stimulated by the extra-caffeinated coffee he was making at the time, it came to life and began inching its way around the house. Unfortunately, since it was Grandpa’s finger, it really didn’t do much more than read the newspaper and fall asleep on the couch. The movie didn’t do too well.
Posted 03/05/09
