Zontar, The Thing from Venus

by Richard Romano

When a movie is “remade,” typically the filmmaker has some unique take on the subject matter, a way of approaching the original in a way that is fresh and new. You may recall, however, that in 1998, Gus Van Sant, for reasons passing understanding, made a shot-by-shot remake of Psycho. Fortunately, it has disappeared into obscurity and the Hitchcock original remains, deservedly, the classic it always was.

However, Psycho was not the first time that a “remake” has constituted a more or less shot-by-shot reconstruction. Case in point: 1966’s Zontar, the Thing from Venus. Granted, the source material isn’t quite of the same caliber as Psycho (in this case, the 1956 Roger Corman film It Conquered the World), but it remains more or less identical to the original—albeit made with a budget that was half that of Corman’s (which could easily be found in your average sofa cushions) and a cast seemingly culled from community theater helped. At least Corman had Peter Graves, Beverly Garland, and Lee Van Cleef, even if the “monster” looked like a giant Vlasic pickle.

For those who follow such things, Zontar’s director (and I use that term very loosely) Larry Buchanan—whose 1996 memoirs were called It Came from Hunger: Tales of a Cinema Schlockmeister, so at least he had no illusions—was also behind the MST3K fave Attack of the The Eye Creatures [sic] a year earlier, as well as the drive-in classic Mars Needs Women. Zontar was produced as part of American International Pictures’ TV syndication packages and the picture quality of the version in my Sci-Fi box set makes it look as if it had actually been beamed in from Venus. It makes the footage of the Apollo moon landing look like HDTV.

By this time, John Agar was a veteran of these kinds of movies, although his last name is rather apt, as this is certainly an infectious Petri dish of a movie.

And we open at Zone 6, the United States Orbital Rocket Control and Tracking Station. What they don’t tell you is that Zone 5 is the mail room, and Zone 7 is the gents’. It was designed in a bit of a haphazard manner.

Cut to the control room. Scientists in white lab coats stare at random apparatus. A female scientist is tracking an unidentified object at the launch site. Hopefully it’s not the thing that they’re trying to launch. There is a slight panic and we pan over and see John Agar through a glass window. On top of a large reel-to-reel tape recorder is...what is that? It looks like a bust of some kind. The pallid bust of Pallas? It looks like John Carradine with a Beatles wig on. Oh, I see, it’s just a spool of something, or a giant pencil sharpener. The picture isn’t very good, is it? Anyway, John Agar strides in purposefully, as the unidentified object is in fact identified: Transcom Flight 12 strayed off course. Agar is concerned it will delay the launch. Fortunately, jet aircraft move rather briskly.

One of the scientists looks like a young George Will—or, I should say, George Will in general, who is curiously ageless. I bet he’s got one hell of a painting in his attic (and I bet it votes Democratic). A scientist who looks like comedian Larry Miller counts down “Three minutes and...30 seconds” before launching into his routine about the five stages of drinking. Says George Will, “It had better be clear. That little baby cost us 50 million bucks.” Where there’s a Will, there’s a way. “It’d be great if she sideswiped an airliner with the stuff she’s got inside,” snarks Larry Miller. What does she have inside? Oddly, a cream filling. But regardless of what it’s carrying, I think it would be a pretty bad thing to sideswipe an airliner at all. There is a bit of babble as they prepare—George Will says he turned the control tower on. What? Why had it been off to begin with? And I certainly don’t even want to think about an alternate interpretation of that line.

John Agar paces. “You know it’s strange. After all this time and money and work, the laser satellite is finally ready to go.” Makes you think, doesn’t it? Wait— Laser satellite?

The countdown continues, and there is a strange buzzing noise, like the Wasp Woman playing a kazoo. Oh, it’s someone informing John Agar that someone is there to see him. Interesting voice. At least now we know what Charlie Brown’s father does for a living. John Agar (whose character’s name is Curt Taylor. I’ve been to a curt tailor before. He brusquely altered a sports jacket. He was very snippy. Ahem.) Anyway, this visit is apparently of the utmost urgency, and Curt curtly leaves the room.

It is Keith Richie, and he urges Curt to abort the launch. Curt says they are committed. (They should be.) “Do you know how many times I’ve warned the government against this particular shoot?” Keith says. And do you know how many times the government has ignored you? “I said it when I headed up the experimental missile program, and it’s in every one of my papers on the subject.” Thanks for the curriculum vitae. “You’ve had a remarkable career, Keith. Every scholastic honor and degree. We need you here, and I’m sorry about what happened between you and the powers that be.” Turns out these two are old friends, and they are heavily laying on the back story. Too bad it is practically drowned out by the countdown announcer. The crux of Keith’s warning is that the launch of the laser satellite is a menace to the safety of the world. Oddly, he hasn’t been able to convince anyone of that. Hard to imagine.

Now Keith says something about “Ham sandwich laser satellite explode in owner bisque.” Would you please stop the damn countdown! An earlier satellite blew up and only Keith knows why. This should be good; I hope I can hear what it is. “It was a warning from the other planets to keep the Earth in its place, to keep us incommunicado until we’re further advanced.” So other planets don’t even want to talk to us? Well, that’s rather rude. To hell with them, then. Says Curt, “There’s no proof of life on any of those other planets.” Responds Keith, “My viola loves gruyère cheese.” Would you please, for the love of god, stop the damn countdown!!!! “I’m telling you this,” says Keith, “alien intelligence watches us constantly.” Kind of like all those CCTV cameras in London. “They don’t feel we’re ready to join in the great brotherhood of the countless galaxies. They’ll do anything to keep us from communicating.” Why? Can’t they choose to just not pick up when we call, or let voicemail get it? And how does that end up having anything to do with saving the world?

Anyway, it’s a moot point, as finally the countdown is done. “It’s just become an academic question,” says Curt. “For your generation, yes.” What the heck does that mean? You’re from the same generation.

And as the rocket takes off, we have titles!

The rocket finally arrives in space and it turns out the satellite is actually a large metal hamburger. No wonder Keith was worried about it; do you know what hamburgers can do to your cholesterol? (And, hey, that’s the same cheesy spaceship that was in Attack of the The Eye Creatures.)

Cut to three months later. Curt, Keith, and apparently their wives are sitting around a table after dinner. There is a very strange cut to a painting above Martha’s (Keith’s wife) head; it’s a painting of what looks like Sally Kellerman, but with no eyes. Huh? I guess that makes sense; in how many countless movies are people surreptitiously spied on by other people looking out from the eyes of paintings? If one were paranoid about such things, this is probably the best kind of painting to get.

There is a pan down to Martha, who happily has eyes, and is complimented on her pie. “Oh, sure, it’s an old family recipe my grandmother sold to the bakery.” Some people just can’t take a compliment.

There are some odd looks passed back and forth, and after Keith answers a simple question about more coffee (“just half a cup, hon”), Curt rips him a new one. “You’re acting rather smug.” I thought he was acting rather hammily. “You look like a man who’s just inherited a major portion of the world.” Imagine if he asked for a full cup. Says Keith, “You may not be so far wrong, in a way of speaking.” That is an odd way of speaking. Curt brings up the satellite. Everyone else brings up dinner. Oh, wait... “It still interests me,” says Keith, “among other things.” Like what? Commemorative spoons? Tropical fish? World of Warcraft? Curt decides to run down the major specifications of the satellite, and his wife understandably tells him, in so many words, to zip it. “Maybe you have something in your space technology I can use for a headache.” Youch. There’s gonna be no dancing when they get home. So they all ignore her.

Keith is just dying to tell his secret to the world. “Honey, please, you promised,” cautions his wife. “Yes! I like to wear mittens! I’ve said it, and I’m proud!” Oh, wait... “Curt will understand. Maybe nobody else on Earth, but Curt will understand.” Why do I get the feeling that Curt is not going to understand? “Come on into the den,” says Keith. Ah, so it’s in the den, is it? The plot thickens.

Keith leads Curt to a small closet and reveals...something. “Say, that’s a powerful looking set,” says Curt. Everyone has to show off their home entertainment system, don’t they? “I’ve never seen anything like it. Where did you get it?” Circuit City. Just before they went out of business. Keith turns it on, and a strange static noise comes over the speakers, wherever the speakers are. “Do you know what you’re hearing?” asks Keith. “Some kind of progressive jazz?” quips Curt. Zing! “It’s Venus,” deadpans Keith. What, you mean the 1986 cover of Shocking Blue’s “Venus” by Bananarama? “I’m your Venus, I’m your fire/At your desire.” It does sound kind of like the noodly techno bit. Anyway, he apparently means the planet Venus, “By laser communication, without the satellite.” Keith insists there’s a voice; Curt doesn’t hear it. Maybe it’s Andrei Fernau’s singing Venusian woman? Keith says that he has been in contact with the thing from Venus for about two months. He doesn’t know how he understands it; he ascribes it to a kind of “hyperspace hypnotism.” I bet he’s going to start clucking like a chicken in a minute. “I do know that I do understand.” Well I understand that I do know. There. That leaves you one up.

“Okay, Keith,” patronizes Curt, “so you have a little friend on Venus.” Hm. That could be a useful euphemism in the right context.... Curt asks, “What does it want from us? Has he got a name? Or is it just an it?” “He knows exactly what he wants and he’s about to make a move to get it.” At least we know it’s not Johnny Rotten. He didn’t know what he wanted but knew how to get it. Be that as it may, the thing’s name is untranslatable into any known Earth language, “it would sound something like ‘Zontar.’”

I think that’s the “thing’s” problem. Just imagine how so much less fearsome it would be if the name sounded like “Timmy,” “Flopsy,” or “Mittens.”

There is a musical sting at the name “Zontar.” Keith goes and answers the phone. Oh, that wasn’t a music sting; it was the phone ringing. Really? Man, this movie can’t even afford a decent sound effect of a ringing telephone. Or is that some weird Venusian ringtone that Zontar e-mailed to him? The phone call is for Curt. Is it Zontar? Curt goes “What?!? That’s impossible!” It can’t be good news.

“You don’t say...You don’t say...You don’t say.”

“What is it?”

“He didn’t say.” Doh!

Seriously though (if that’s the word for this), he bellows for his wife. What was the problem? The satellite is gone. “So what can we do about it?” shrugs Keith. That’s the spirit. Curt tells his wife that they have to leave. And leave they do.

Back inside, Keith is talking to himself. “He did it. He solved Rubik’s cube!” No wait... “Zontar diverted the satellite for a vehicle. He’ll soon be here.” Zontar Claus is coming to town...

This being is so-o-o-o advanced that that it doesn’t want to even hear anything coming out of Earth, but it doesn’t have a spaceship of its own and needs to steal an Earth satellite to travel anywhere? Extraterrestrial schmuck.

Meanwhile, back at the installation, a general pulls up in a Jeep. He is told by the guard that the situation is unchanged, and proceeds through the gate. One guard remarks to the other, “The general ain’t so happy.” “None of them are.” Boing.

Inside the control center, George Will and the woman scientist (her name is Louise, not Cokie Roberts, thankfully) randomly twiddle knobs and mutter about C bands. And as we pan across the room, the camera makes a loud creaking noise. Either that or Louise had been sitting so long she’s got rigor mortis. The general charges into the room. Louise explains the problem. “Everything seems to be working correctly. There’s just nothing there.” Wha? I think it’s best to just leave that line be and just keep moving. “No one understands it,” says the general, “but it’s the scientific achievement of the century.” I would think someone understands it. Maybe no one in this movie but maybe they can bring in a better movie with more competent people and they can explain it.

At Keith’s house, he and Martha have a tender romantic moment through a bar rack. Couldn’t one of them could come round to the other’s side? And they wonder what’s come between them. Martha implores him to come back to her. Is he running away with Zontar? Is that what this is about? “Things will be better soon,” he says in a way that implies that things will so not be better.

In the control room, they all jump for joy that the satellite is back, “right on orbit functioning perfectly.” Curt asks George Will if he can handle recovery procedures all by himself? Doesn’t he get a boat or a tractor or a crane or something? He doesn’t have to carry thing himself, does he? Rather than stick around and oversee the recovery of his highly important satellite, Curt decides to go home to bed. There’s dedication for you. George Will isn’t one to make threats, but I bet there will be a pointed column about this in the Washington Post in the morning.

Back at Keith’s house, he calls Zontar on the Zontarphone. “Yes, I’m your only friend,” he says. Hoo boy, one of those calls. How much has Zontar been drinking? They hang up, and Martha comes back out and implores Keith to go to bed. Maybe they can sleep together on the bar. Keith is like a kid in a candy store, and eagerly awaits Zontar’s arrival. “He’s come to save us. The greatest day in history is about to dawn.” She is not buying any of it. “It’s what I’ve been predicting for years,” he continues, “and it’s good instead of evil.” You may want to doublecheck that. “My one uncertainty was that it would be for good or evil. And it was for good.” How did he figure that out? Did Zontar just con him into it, like some weird, alien Music Man? Does Keith have data? References from other worlds for whom Zontar has done work? What? Later that night, Keith falls asleep next to the radio, and Martha resignedly covers him with a blanket. Keith is no doubt dreaming about Zontar. “Mrs. Keith Zontar. Hmm... It has a nice ring to it.”

And then we go back to the installation, where the general paces. “Are you sure you people know what you’re doing?” He is a trusting one. “I think we can manage without wrecking it,” says George Will. “What am I worried about?” says the general, “I’m not paying for it.” Well, technically you are, but that’s a pretty lousy attitude. Is there some other general we can put in charge of this? Maybe one who, I don’t know, cares? And they all twiddle some knobs and bring the satellite down. Something seems to be going awry. “What’s wrong with that blasted thing?” Maybe it’s been blasted. George Will tells the general that the satellite is setting its own course. Obviously, Zontar is controlling it, but how could Zontar be controlling the satellite from within it? Does NASA routinely put some kind of navigation and steering mechanism on board unmanned satellites? “This just can’t be happening!” George Will Shatnerizes. You got that right. And we cut to the hamburger in space just sort of hovering. I’m expecting a side order of fries to float over. They all freak out. “We need more ketchup!” “Send it back up,” says the general. “Don’t mess around with it.” What is it, a dead squirrel? “Eww, don’t touch it!” One technician asks, “What’s going to happen to it?” Answers George Will, “I don’t think I want to know.” Science! And the hamburger starts to land...on the moon, by the looks of it. And they have lost all radar and sensor contact with it.

The next morning, Keith gets a call from Zontar. Man, that being is so codependent. Keith is all a-flutter. Zontar is here! Ooh! He tells Martha that Zontar has landed in a cave. Huh? Now Keith really starts chewing the scenery. He launches into a soliloquy: “The world has been headed downhill for a long time. Wars, larger bombs, but now it will be over. All our dreams for perfection will now be realized.” And now he’s literally rubbing his hands with glee. I don’t know what that plant is behind him, but it looks like a large marijuana plant. That could explain rather a lot. Martha is going into town—hopefully to get a straitjacket.

The Zontarphone rings again. Good grief. Zontar, The Noodge from Venus. The cave is about six miles from town. “It is over a hot spring so it should be somewhat compatible with your Venus environment.” Wow, that’s quite the hot spring; the average surface temperature of Venus is about 460°C. No wonder the Hall of Springs here in Saratoga is so toasty all-year round.

Soon, there is a montage of a train coming to a stop (just like Amtrak), someone repeatedly pressing the switchhook of a telephone (yep, just like Verizon), some workmen trapped atop a bucket truck (yep, just like National Grid), someone unable to use their adding machine (yep, just like— what?) Oh, no! Not the adding machine! This movie’s alternate title was They Came to Inconvenience Accountants. Run in terror! Anyway, all motors, electric power, telephones, and, of course, adding machines have stopped working.

On the road in the middle of nowhere, Curt and his wife are in their car, and it gradually comes to a halt. Oh, no, is Curt going to pretend they’re out of gas in a remote, secluded are? Curt, you’re married to her; you don’t need to pull that sort of thing. As Curt checks the engine, his wife discovers that her watch has stopped at the exact same time that the car’s clock stopped. Coincidence? Read the book. Curt can’t find anything wrong with the car, so they start walking.

At the installation, the general is not happy (there’s a shock). Everyone seems to think they’ll get the power back in a minute; the general walks over to some kind of apparatus. “Careful, general. There’s half a million volts in there.” That would be a shock. The general asks Larry Miller what happened to the satellite. It’s gone. “Fifty million dollars and a million hours of work.” Wow. Fifty bucks an hour? Not a bad wage for 1965.

In the heart of town—or a strip mall, by the looks of it—Ralph Kramden, sporting a white bus driver’s uniform, commiserates on the lack of power. Oh, wait, I think he’s supposed to be the chief of police, not a bus driver. It’s rather hard to tell from the uniform. Brad Crenshaw is his name, perhaps a reference to the melon he appears to have swallowed whole. “It’s like the town is hanging in mid-air.” Like the Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back? Or like Laputa in Gulliver’s Travels? Martha briskly walks over, and Brad accosts her; apparently, Keith had been predicting “this” for years (a power outage?). “Does your husband know what’s gonna happen next?” he asks her. “I don’t know. I just don’t know.” “One of these days, Martha, bang, zoom! To Venus!”

Back at Keith’s, he is on the radio again with Zontar. Keith is telling Zontar for whom they need “control units” in order to control the town. What? Apparently, the mayor and the chief of police are all you need to control the town. Good to know; I shall have to remember that. Oh, and they’ll need to control the general at the installation (whose name is Matt Young, we find out). Uh oh: Curt is on the list. And if I knew what that list was, I’d be...well, I’d be something. I’m not sure what. “Along with their wives, that’s eight people.” At least the wives are invited. A game of mixed doubles, perhaps? Bridge? “That’s all that’s necessary for complete control of this area.” Wow, those eight people must wield tremendous power and influence. He the asks Zontar about the “control devices.” “I would like to see one of the injectipods.” Injectipods? Or “iPods” for short? “They actually grow as a part of you and separate on command, don’t they?” Right, just like iPods.

Inside Zontar’s cave, we get a glimpse of the thing, and it’s rather hard to make out what it looks like, which is probably for the best. There are random zooms and pans to a wing, an eyeball, a black blur, and then we cut to a stampede in the middle of town. It’s a mad tangle of legs running every which way as panic breaks out. Brad Crenshaw does his best to make matters even more chaotic. An elderly woman approaches him; “My husband is in an iron lung and it stopped. What shall I do?” Probably consult a doctor and not the chief of police would be my suggestion. “You can operate by hand, I think.” You can? Is it one of those iron lungs that have a stationary bicycle attached to it and as long as you keep pedaling, the patient keeps breathing? The people keep on running every which way; where exactly are they going? Keith comes into town and meets up with Martha. He says he has parked the car on the edge of town. “It hasn’t been de-energized,” he tells her. I guess being pals with Zontar has its advantages. As always, it’s who you know. I wonder what kinds of parties Zontar could get him into. Come to think of it, probably really dull ones.

Meanwhile, Curt and his wife are walking through the woods, and they are buzzed by what looks like a lobster-shaped kite—sort of a Red Lobster promotional item. “What is that?” she asks. “I don’t know, but I don’t like it.” Must be a shellfish allergy. He throws a twig at it, which is surprisingly ineffective. “What an ugly thing!” his wife opines. Hey, you’re married to John Agar; I wouldn’t go throwing stones in that glass house if I were you.

As Keith and Martha arrive home, it finally occurs to her to ask about the car not having been de-energized. “Zontar stopped all power at its source. That means steam, water, electricity, combustion engines, everything.” Water? “Water?” Martha asks. Doh! “You mean the faucets won’t work? That’s ridiculous.” She has a point. She goes over and turns on the hose, which works. It would have been pretty funny if she had been looking into it when she turned it on. Or at the very least if she had been pointing it at Keith. This movie’s just no fun. Keith is quick to point out that of course all his stuff works. Zontar turned off everything selectively. So if Keith and Zontar break up, is Zontar going to get custody of the power and the water? How exactly would that work?

Curt and his wife (what is her name?) arrive at Keith’s house. Curt tells Keith that his car broke down and he’d like a lift to Phil’s Garage. Keith of course tells him it won’t do him any good (that may be a slam against the quality of service at Phil’s Garage; one doesn’t know) but does invite him in for a drink. Does booze still work in that town or did Zontar deactivate it? “A drink I could use” says Curt oddly. “What’s your pleasure?” asks Keith. Weird Venusian beings? Keith asks what time the car stopped running, and Curt asks “How did you know the car stopped running?” Hm, I’m not sure, but maybe Curt saying, two minutes ago, “Keith, my car broke down, can I get a lift to Phil’s Garage?” was a little bit of a clue. Says Keith, “It just stopped running, like every car did. Like every mechanical thing.” And you can tell he’s just aching to exclaim “Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!” “Relax,” says Keith. “You have time for explanations. Perhaps even time for...explanations.” A time to be born, a time to die. A time to plant, a time to reap. A time to kill, a time to heal. A time to laugh, a time to weep. Turn turn turn. And we fade to black. Hooray! It’s over!

Oh, never mind...

Whimsical clown music starts playing. This can’t be good. Now we see a pin-up model perched seductively (if uncomfortably) on a chair. Is that Zontar? Thing from Venus, indeed. Oh, it’s just an image in a Viewmaster being gawked at by one of the guards on duty at the installation. Huh? Is a Viewmaster standard issue in the military? Oh, god, it’s the leering, horny morons from Attack of the The Eye Creatures. I’m going to chew my own retinas out. They interrupt their leering as George Will strides over. Whew! I never thought I’d ever be so happy to see George Will. He asks if there has been any sign of the general. Nope. Pity, really. The guards are amused that, since the Jeep won’t run, the general had to walk. “I never seen a general walk before. I didn’t think he knew how.” Ha ha ha. Kill him. George Will says, “The auxiliary has a hand crank. And even that won’t work.” A military installation has a hand crank for its power supply? I’d hate to be the one to have to turn it. Says one of the leering idiots: “I wonder what effect this power failure has on my wife’s big mouth?” Ha ha ha. Kill him! George Will is rightly nauseated and can’t wait to get away from these two. And I can’t say that I blame him.

Out in the woods, the general is trucking like the doo-dah man. One of the Red Lobster kites buzzes him. He attempts to shoot it but it cleverly evades him. He does his best Tippi Hedren impression, but finally, it bites him in the back of the neck, and the general goes down. The kite falls to the ground. He picks it up and buries it in the leaves. Give a hoot, don’t pollute. So when someone is controlled by an injectipod, it makes them neat and tidy? Okay, I’m with this Earth invasion so far....

Back at Keith’s, Curt says, “I don’t understand a thing you’re saying.” Perhaps Keith was lapsing unto Urdu again. Or the countdown from Scene 1 was starting again. Curt suggests that Zontar has stopped all the world’s power and is controlling all the world’s population. Really? Didn’t Keith say that Zontar just needed eight of those injectipods? Are those eight people—the mayor, the chief of police, the general, Curt, and their wives—the only ones you need to control in order to rule the world? I know they say all politics is local, but really. So, Curt asks the million-dollar question: “Why aren’t you fighting it?” “Because the superior intelligence, this Zontar—“ sorry, I don’t grant the premise, but go on, “—is working with me....I believe he’s here to save us from ourselves.” Uh huh. Curt’s wife says, “You talk as if this..thing were a personal friend of yours.” “Oh, yes,” says Martha, dripping with sarcasm, “they’re real chums.” Some wives just end up being Zontar widows; c’est la vie. Says Keith defiantly, “The days when people made fun of me are over!” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. No, buddy, I think they’re just starting. “I didn’t know we needed rescuing,” says Curt. “Curt, I’m serious!” wails Keith. Now cut that out! Rochester!

Keith takes another tack. “Remember your theory on free magnetic gravitation?” Every Tuesday was free magnetic gravitation day? “That was a brilliant theory. Whatever happened to it?” Apparently, Curt never got a government appropriation to investigate it. “That was sheer stupidity, an example of how arrogance and ignorance restrain man’s progress.” One scientist doesn’t get a grant and that’s a reason to have an alien take over the Earth? Talk about arrogance and stupidity! “And Zontar’s going to end all this?” says Curt. “Yes.” So Zontar is going to give him an appropriation?

After Curt and his wife leave, Martha and Keith have it out. But, ultimately, she will not turn against him “because I love you.” Good lord, why? That confuses him, and he runs to the Zontarphone. That is one weird relationship they’ve got. He tells Zontar where to send the injectipod to get Curt. His maling address is... Oh... “His mind is of the utmost value to us.” What do minds trade for on Venus?

At the installation, the general reappears and tells the leering dorks at the gate that the whole area has been placed under martial law. Or that could be Marshal Law, cousin of Cardinal Law. Or it could be Penny Marshall Law. Or even Peter Marshall Law. Garry Marshall Law? Happy Days are here again. The general then tells Sgt. Dork that the installation is to be abandoned, and to gather all the men and lead them on a forced march...somewhere. Hopefully off a cliff. We zoom into the back of the general’s neck, and there is some kind twig protruding from it. I guess the injectipod leaves a stinger behind, like a bee. The general then gives them his watch so they know when it’s time to move out.

The general then strides into the control room and informs George Will and Larry Miller that they are in the midst of a Communist uprising. A what? “They’ve sabotaged every known source of power in the area. They seem to have disrupted all sources of communication.” One of them gasps “What?!” which sounds like the squawking of an asthmatic parrot. The scientists are now to be restricted to that room. “You mean we’re prisoners?” asks Louise. “Think of it as protective custody. They’d love to get their hands on you with your knowledge of that satellite.” Yeah, right. Maybe they’d just love to get their hands on them. It takes all kinds; and they are Communists who have probably only been used to Russian women, although those Ukraine girls really knock me out. Leave the West behind, don’t you know. Anyway, George Will goes along with this pretty easily. “There are blankets and canned goods in the closet there. We’ll make out.” When life gives you lemons... Who’s he going to make out with, Larry Miller or Louise? Both of them? Kind of like what I imagine goes on backstage at This Week. “You’re not to go outside that door.” What about to the bathroom?

At Curt’s house, they are unaccountably surprised that nothing works. “Curt,” says his wife, “I hate to even suggest this, but could Keith be right?” “Anything’s possible, but I don’t think so.” They spend some time psychoanalyzing Keith—which would be a recipe for disaster, I should think—and Curt ultimately believe they will find a logical explanation for the power outage. I think it could be summed up in two words: National Grid.

At Keith’s, he—oh, gee, who could have guessed—is on the phone with Zontar. “You say it will take you 12 hours to produce eight more control devices. That is unfortunate.” All they need is to get Curt. “The President of the United States has great faith in him.” Why don’t they just control the President of the United States and cut out the middle man? Come to think of it, why don’t they? If the idea is to take over Earth, why bother with this two-bit town? Keith asks for his orders: “Remain here until Jackson is evacuated. It will be done.” Wait: who is Jackson and why are they evacuating him? Is that the name of the town?

I guess it must be, because we now cut to more people running through the streets. Curt and Ann (aha! she does have a name) live conveniently close to downtown Jackson (I’m jealous). They walk outside and see the people running around, and wonder where they’re all going. Curt tells Ann to stay there and runs after them. He has no luck in getting someone to explain where they’re all running to.

On the soldiers’ forced march, one of the Red Lobster kites flies by. One of the soldiers says, “Hey, I saw a funny-lookin’ boid.” Oy. At least it was a blissfully short scene.

Back in Jackson, Curt gets on a bike and heads for the installation. Downtown, Chief of Police Crenshaw is bitten by one of the Red Lobster kites. And, just like the general, disposes the carcass of the injectipod in the garbage can. He then marches over and starts yelling at a large white brick wall. “Hey you, out there beyond the wall breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me!” Oh, I see, there’s actually an office off the side of the frame and an elderly man ambles out. “Well, Mr. Leadford, I guess you’re the only one left in town,” says Brad. He then pulls a gun. “Don’t be difficult, editor.” Mr. Leadford (as in lead type, perhaps?) is the editor of the local newspaper. Leadford insists he is going to stay. “I helped build this town. My paper got your job for you. What’s the matter with you?” “We don’t need papers no more. They’re useless.” “I don’t understand a word you’re saying,” says Leadford. You know, this exact conversation is probably taking place in the newspaper industry today. “I don’t know what an RSS feed is.”

And Brad shoots Leadford in the stomach. Leadford grabs his forehead (?) and falls to the ground. Yep; what could be a better metaphor for the demise of the printed newspaper in the face of competition from electronic media? Curt witnesses this grisly tableau and confronts Brad. “Why!” he demands. “Orders,” says Brad. Damn media consolidation... “Orders from who?” barks Curt. “Zontar, of course.” And he says it in such a way that he sounds like he is introducing a magic act in Vegas. As Brad is about to place Curt in protective custody, Curt slugs him pretty hard. Yow, that did not look like a stage punch, I think there was actual physical contact there. I think John Agar is lashing out at this movie in whatever way he can. I bet he was seeing Larry Buchanan’s face as he threw the punch. Brad holds Curt at gunpoint but ultimately lets him go. “You’re to be one of us. You’re free to go.” Well, that was easy.

Keith stands on his balcony with a pair of binoculars, scanning the horizon. “Zontar, O Zontar, wherefore art thou, Zontar?”

Well, maybe not.

He wanders back inside where Martha is sitting on the couch. “What have you been doing now?” she asks. Keith waxes poetic about how Zontar explained the biology of the control units. “They’re part of him. He detaches them and they fly at the person wanted like birds. I was trying to spot one.” And they’re like really cool, and Zontar is, like, the greatest, and is, like, supercool to hang out with. “How do they control of their victims?” Martha asks. Oh, Martha my dear, bad choice of word. “There are no ‘victims,’ darling.” Okay, how do they work? “According to Zontar, they carry with them an electrobiological essence of himself, the host.” Actually Zontar wouldn’t be the host; the “victim” (or “lucky ducky,” if you prefer) would be the host. But go on. “They plant this activated growth in the person’s neck after which he’s controlled by the host [sic]. It’s a little like radio.” Actually he’s right; it does sound like how talk radio works. But I kid Rush Limbaugh. “The person becomes a living extension of Zontar.” Mm-hm. What about the vict— I mean, extension of Zontar’s mind? “Their minds are clearer than they ever thought possible.” But if their minds are clear they probably don’t think anything is possible. Or anything at all. Or— Norman, coordinate! “All the human waste is gone.” Well, that’s a load off humanity’s mind. Where did Zontar pump it all? Oh, I see... “All the greed, the bitterness, all the foolish nonsense.” Bitterness? That’s all he’s worried about? Martha is catching on: “These are emotions.” “Yes, the emotions are gone.” Oh, okay. Says Martha, “Why do you hold me, put your arms around me?” “Because I love you.” “Wouldn’t Zontar say that love is waste? It’s an emotion, you know!” Ha! J’accuse! She’s run rings around him logically. She adds, “You take away a man’s dreams and emotions and all you’re left with is death, a living death.” Or a career writing about the printing industry. Kind of a fine line, really. (Oh, but I kid the printing industry...) “I’m not making the rules,” growls Keith. Don’t talk about our thing from Venus, Martha. This is the strangest production of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf I’ve ever seen. “It has to be the way it has to be.” Well, that’s logi— huh?

That argument unresolved, Curt bicycles over to the installation where it says “closed” on the gate. Must be a bank holiday. He tries the handle. The general magically appears (now where would he have been hiding?) and says, “You don’t believe in signs?” The general explains that everyone at the installation has been transferred to the district air base. “No telling what might happen here.” You got that right. He offers Curt a ride back into Jackson in the Jeep—which is suspiciously working. “General, how come the Jeep is working?” “It’s one of the new experimental models.” Sorry, general, no one in a 20-mile radius bought that. The general suggests that Curt and his wife join the rest of the scientists on the air base. Then Curt notices the thing protruding from the general’s neck. “General Young, let me remove that rock before we get started.” The general bites down hard on that one. “What rock?” he asks leaning forward, giving Curt the perfect opportunity to karate chop him in the back of the neck. He pushes the general out and takes off in the Jeep.

He drives to Keith’s house and charges into the living room. “All right, Keith I believe you. I also believe you are an accessory to murder.” And I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract. Ahem. Says Keith, “That’s a fine way to greet an old friend.” Isn’t friendship an emotion and aren’t emotions bad? Hey, we didn’t make the rules. It’s gotta be the way it’s gotta be. Hah!

Keith admits that he helped Zontar come to Earth. “Zontar is a member of a race that was born too soon.” Huh? “They built a culture on Venus that Earth won’t catch up to in a million years.” From what I’ve seen, I think Earth can take its time. “And then disaster struck. They’re host beings. They grow devices that they use to control other creatures.” No, again, that makes them parasitical beings. The victims are the hosts. But go on. “Somehow the creatures they controlled on Venus became sterile and died out.” Hmm...it’s hard to see how that arrangement could possibly go wrong. As a result, Zontar’s race slowly withered away. Curt points out the obvious: “So Zontar is going to control the human race so it dies out, too?” Keith gets all defensive. “Zontar has an intellect that dwarfs humans, makes us look like so many ants by comparison.” Uh-huh. Curt says, “In the past 12 hours, men have been murdered for failing to obey this master. Makes you think a little, doesn’t it?” Just a little. Mostly, “Is this over yet?”

It turns out, it does make Keith think. “It makes me look back into history for a comparison.” Okay, explain that one. “Every great change on earth has been the result of torment, chaos, and death.” It has? “Plagues have brought about wondrous cures.” Well, yeah...you really wouldn’t need a wondrous cure if there wasn’t a plague. “War that brought about fast planes, atomic power, radiological medicine.” Now you’re just cherry-picking. “You’re talking about changes that were brought about by man himself. But Zontar isn’t human. So your argument just doesn’t hold water.” And what about water storage? Was that brought about by wars or plagues? Actually, I’m not sure what Keith’s argument even is. Were the wars and plagues that brought about humankind’s “changes” for the best and thus Zontar, in doing the same thing, is no different? Then why do we need Zontar? If all those things were bad, and if Zontar is doing the same thing, then why do we need Zontar? And, ultimately, the question becomes, why do we need Zontar? Or is Keith just a bitter misanthrope who hates humanity and sides with the alien creature who wants to invade the Earth? (Bingo!)

Still, Keith says that Curt will soon be convinced. “He wants you on his side,” he says. Zontar likes you. He thinks you’re a good egg. “You actually think I condone this reign of terror?” Would that make Martha Madame Defarge? “You’re a traitor, Keith! The most diabolical traitor of all time!” You have to admit, it is a good line to storm out with.

Now Martha has to come in and rub some salt in the wound. “He was my best friend,” laments Keith. But I thought Zontar was your new best friend. “Is that all you can think about, losing a friend?” asks Martha, pronouncing it “freeyend.” “What about losing yourself?” Whenever I lose myself, I look behind the sofa and there I am. Never fails. She adds, “If he didn’t think there was something in you worth saving, he would have killed you.” He would have? “He had a gun. You just had an undeserved stay of execution.” Wow, Hell hath no fury indeed. She’s really going to town on the emoting here. “I can’t love a monster! I can’t! I wo-ho-hon’t!!!!!!” She hit a high frequency there that I think teens could use as one of those “silent” ringtones that adults can’t hear. She’s obviously spent after that cathartic shrieking, and they embrace, but are interrupted by Zontar calling. Nice timing, pal. “Zontar, I’m troubled. Maybe you don’t have that word in your sphere.” What? “I must see you.” Zontar still doesn’t want to meet in person. Keith tells him about the encounter with Curt, but it turns out Zontar had been listening in the whole time. What a creep.

Curt arrives home—the light is on and Ann is in the shower. To Curt’s credit, he is suspicious. “How come our shower’s working?” “It’s not.” Oh? “I drained the hot water heater, stuck a bucket full of water in the shower window, and used the shampoo.” Oh. Huh? As he stokes the fireplace, Ann comes out with her hands behind her back. “Guess what I’ve got? A present.” She pulls out one of the Red Lobster kites and flings it at him. He battles it mightily with the fireplace poker, occasionally staying in frame. He bobs and weaves and flails mightily—he kind of looks like an orchestra conductor conducting the London Philharmonic’s tribute to The Ramones. But he finally nails the Red Lobster kite. So much for the seafood lover in him.

And at that point, the phone rings. “This has gotta be Keith,” he says. Is that how he normally answers the phone? Keith has already found out from Zontar that Curt killed the injectipod. Wow, news travels fast. “That means you can’t be controlled for several hours.” So...round of golf? A movie? Maybe double date—Curt and Ann, Keith and Zontar? Keith invites Curt over to talk. Oh, good another endless talking scene in which no character makes any logical sense. Curt holds up a gun and smiles malevolently. “All right, I’ll come over.” Oh, okay, if it’s going to be like that, then go to it.

Keith goes and talks to Zontar. “Yes, he’s coming over later...Yes, if it must be done.” Yes, I bought some of those Pepperidge Farm crackers and three kinds of cheese....Yes and my spinach dip....Yes, I know about his shellfish allergy, that’s why I didn’t get a shrimp ring...”

Martha comes in again. This is the same scene over and over again. Keith talks to Zontar. Martha comes in and they argue. Curt comes over and they babble, then argue. Keith talks to Zontar. Argh! This movie is stuck in a rut. Can we go back to the installation and George Will again? Pleeease? Keith tells Martha: “Curt must die. He’s too great a menace to live. I must kill him.”

At Curt’s, Ann returns. She says, “We must now wait for Zontar’s instructions...The next step in the conquest of the world.” And then he takes out his gun and shoots her dead. Uh, Curt? You know, there might have been a chance that if you killed Zontar she would have been released from the mind control. You didn’t have to kill her! Talk about throwing the baby out with the bathwater. But then maybe this was about more than Zontar.

At Keith’s, he is closing the curtain on the Zontarphone. Martha ambles in; “What’cha doin’? Closing up shop? Enough murders for one day?” she asks. My, she’s in a playful mood. “Suppose the great Zontar wants you to run down to the corner and cap a few hearts, what then, master?” Huh? Cap a few hearts? She’s starting to get under his skin, and he puts some music on. “We could dance if there wasn’t so much blood around.” I don’t know, it kind of reminds me of any dance club, really. Despite the sarcasm, she still is trying to save him from himself. “Tell me about Zontar,” she says, “what’s he like?” Is he cute? Would he go out with me? Mrs. Martha Zontar. Hmm... He tells her that Zontar has made is headquarters in the hot springs cave near town. He explains about the injectipods...blah blah blah. She expresses surprise that Ann, Curt’s wife, has been controlled. We also learn that the mayor and his wife were not controlled, as they were killed in the evacuation. They were? It might have been more interesting to show that than all these dull talking scenes. But those extra two injectipods were used on someone...

And we go to the installation. Louise has been sleeping on a cot in the hallway. She gets up, puts on a lab coat over her slip (?) and walks into the control room. The power is on. Uh oh. “You didn’t sleep long,” says Larry Miller grouchily. Was he wrapper her Christmas presents? George Will explains that he can’t explain how the power came back on. “Any coffee?” she asks. “No!” snaps Larry Miller. Jeez, by his snippy tone I’m guessing he drank it all. Better switch to decaf, pal. “I think I’ll make some,” she says, and George Will immediately pounces: “Never mind, Louise. We don’t want any coffee.” “Well, I do, if you don’t mind,” she says. This has got to be the world’s most tedious argument. She opens the cabinet where the coffee is kept and sees two dead Red Lobster kites. She screams and flails backward into the waiting arms of Larry Miller. “We tried to keep you from looking in there,” he says. She probably thought you were just being a dink about the coffee. “Now relax, Louise. This will only take a minute.” And then he proceeds to strangle her. “Let me tell you about the five stages of being strangled.” George Will calmly talks to Zontar as she screams.

Back at Keith’s, Martha is chiding him for not abandoning his plan to...do something. “I must have the courage of my convictions.” “You’re as weak as Zontar.” Yadda yadda yadda. Keith goes off to kill Curt, and Martha calls Zontar. “I hate your living guts for what you did to my husband and my world!” I guess women aren’t from Venus after all. “I know you for the coward you are. And I’m gonna kill you. I’m gonna kill you!!!” It’s a wonder there’s any scenery left in that house.

Keith arrives at Curt’s house, and Martha shows up soon thereafter. Do they live right next door to each other? If so, whyy do they need to keep driving when Martha was able to walk there in about the same amount of time? Anyway, she sneaks into Ann’s car and takes a gun out of the glove compartment. Why did Ann have a gun in the glove compartment? Does she keep gloves in her gun rack? Anyway, Martha gets into Keith’s car and takes off.

Inside Curt’s house, Keith is slightly aghast that Curt killed his wife. “She was no longer my wife,” he says. They fight about the injectipod. They fight about Zontar. As usual. “He’s been playing you for a sucker,” says Curt. “He understood and praised my work!” is Keith’s defense. Oh, brother. “He was using your human emotions, your desire to help your race. Your dreams of freedom. He was using these to help him destroy the world.” Keith needs to think this over.

Meanwhile, Martha is heading toward Zontar’s headquarters. She arrives just as the horn section on the soundtrack has some kind of psychotic episode. The dorks on patrol hear a car, and then wonder where they’re going to get rations. Happily, they are on screen for less than 30 seconds.

Martha wanders through the caves looking for Zontar. “Whatever you are, I’ve come here to kill you.” She looks up and spots Zontar—which, as it happens, looks like someone left the duck l’orange in the oven a tad too long. She screams, and Keith hears her scream over the Zontarphone. “Run, Martha, run!” Martha soldiers on. But, didn’t she just see Zontar? Why didn’t she shoot? She rounds a corner and comes face to what-I-assume-is-face with him. She bites her knuckle and suppresses a scream; “So that’s what you look like.” We’ve all had blind dates like that. ”Zontar, you’re slimy, horrible. Try to control me! Use your intellect on me! You think you’re going to destroy the world—I’ll see you in hell first!” Blam! Well, you knew that wasn’t going to work. Zontar is not happy, and...does something to her. She screams. Keith hears all this over the Zontarphone, and is upset. Now Keith will help destroy Zontar. Keith tells Curt to take care of the two guys at the installation who have been injectipodded, while he is going to go to the cave.

Curt hands him his gun. “Guns won’t hurt him, Curt, but I’ve got something that will. Something not even you’ve seen yet.” A final cut of this movie? He reaches behind his Zontarphone and takes out a long tube. A curling iron? But why? No, it’s the thing he used to communicate with Venus, and not even the government has perfected it yet: “This beam gun contains a plutonium ruby crystal.” You just made that up, didn’t you? “It’s capable of fantastic bursts of power. It’ll be enough to blast him apart.” Wow, I had no idea ham radio operators wielded so much power. Where the heck did this guy get a plutonium ruby crystal—and was it a good idea to store it in his den?

Meanwhile, one of the solider dorks wanders through the cave. He comes across Zontar and starts shooting which, naturally, is ineffective. He runs out of the cave—which it turns out is actually accessed by a viaduct. What? Why a duck? He runs back to the other soldiers and says “I seen a monster in a cave!” After correcting his grammar, one of the others says, “The general didn’t say nothing about no monsters.” Waka waka. They decide to move out instead of investigate.

Keith drops Curt off at the installation. Inside, the general is talking to George Will and Larry Miller. (Do they have names?) “The general says, “Zontar has ordered me to Washington to talk to the President and the Cabinet.” Yeah. “They suspect nothing,” the general says. “You have the explosive?” Larry Miller asks. “A briefcase full of it. They will all die with me.” That’s a brilliant plan. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to bring a bunch of injectipods and control them? I guess that’s what happens when a planet is invaded by overcooked poultry. Curt runs in, checks the pulse of Louise still lying dead on the floor, then calmly shoots George Will and Larry Miller. He is certainly not quick about it, but it takes a while for the general to even look in Curt’s direction, and he is immediately shot. So the injectipods slow the reflexes wa-a-a-a-y down. Seems like a bit of a design flaw; some super intellect Zontar has.

The general milks his death scene for all it’s worth, and falls into the thing that earlier we were told has 10 million volts in it, which was curiously left uncovered. He then falls into an open box of wires and shorts out everything. Pretty touchy stuff.

Curt then sprints out of the installation. Again, no one has broached the idea that if Zontar is killed everyone will be released from the mind control without themselves having to be killed. Just a thought...

Despite what they said earlier, the soldiers do arrive at the viaduct and prepare to go in after the monster. Why a duck? A the same time, Keith pulls up, and Chief of Police Crenshaw starts shooting at him. Keith takes out his death ray thingamajig and zaps him, making the picture go negative. So you know it’s bad. Funny, Keith had said that it would rip Zontar apart but all it does to Crenshaw is make him wriggle a bit then fall gently to the ground. Must be the difference in human and Venusian biologies.

There is some random intercutting of the dork squad meandering through the caves. Finally, one of them stumbles upon Zontar, who grabs the soldier’s head and squeezes. Keith now starts meandering through the cave.

And finally: the showdown we were waiting for. This is gonna be good (oh, who am I kidding?). “I made it possible for you to come here,” he says. “I made you welcome to Earth, and you’re trying to destroy it.” And as Zontar moves in and starts to embrace him, he activates the death ray and the screen goes all negative. Keith and Zontar die in each other’s arms. Kind of like Romeo and Juliet, only really really weird. And we cut to black. Hooray! It’s over!

Oh, no, it’s not just yet. Curt arrives outside the cave and meets up with a soldier. “You wouldn’t want to see them.” “Dead?” “Yeah, dead. Both of them. he acted like he knew that thing.” How does he know this? He was nowhere near them.

Bring us on home, Curt. As he delivers this profound soliloquy, where is a montage of dead people and burning cars. “Keith Richie came to realize, at the loss of his own life, that man is the greatest creature in the universe.” He did? “He learned that a measure of perfection can only be slowly attained from within ourselves. He sought a different path and found death, fire, disillusionment, loss. War, misery, and suffering have always been with us, and we shall always strive to overcome them, but the answer is to be found from within, not from without. It must come from learning, it must come from the very heart of man himself.”

Join us again at this same time when the Control Voice will take you to...The Outer Limits!

The end.

The frequent use of the Zontarphone in this movie reminded me that comedy archaeologists have only recently discovered a classic comedy routine that they had feared had been lost. It was...

Zontar: The Lost Bob Newhart Routine
Throughout the 1960s, 70s, 80s, 90, and, well, even 00s, legendary comedian Bob Newhart perfected his “telephone” routines, which consisted of the comedian presenting one side of a telephone conversation and repeating everything that the person on the other end was saying. Although this would no doubt make having an actual telephone conversation with Bob Newhart really irritating, it made for great comedy.

Here, then, is the transcript of the recently unearthed “Zontar” sketch, which experts believe Newhart performed only once, shortly after the movie came out. However, some other experts have disputed the authenticity of this routine, given the anachronistic nature of some of the comments. We here at Movie Mis-Treatments simply present the text and let the reader decide.

He-hello, Aunt Helen?...Who?...You say your name is Zontar...and you’re calling from, from Venus...How is it that I can understand you....Hyper-hyperspace hypnosis...That’s...I know you, you’re the Stupendous Zontar, you had a hypnotist act in-in Vegas....Right, you opened for Rickles...I was at that show..when you made the mayor’s wife think she was in front of 5,000 people nude it was hysterical...Keith?...No, he’s, uh, he’s not here....He’s at night school...I believe he’s learning that a measure of-of perfection can only be slowly attained from within ourselves...Yes "ourselves," that’s right...Well, he was afraid that if he sought a different path he’d only find, you know, find death, fire, disillusionment, loss....Right, like Orange County...So, Zontar, what’s, uh, what’s it like on-on Venus?...460 degrees Celsius...That-that-that is hot...Right, like a hot spring...It makes you wonder that Venus is the goddess of love...That’s—what?... That’s a mistranslation, you say...Venus in your language is not the goddess of love but...the god of invading other worlds, controlling people’s minds, and destroying them....Well, that’s kind of like love...It really depends on you relationship...Listen, say, Zontar, I—right, I have to be going now...Something about a satellite crashing, I should really finds out...What’s that?...No I’m afraid I don’t know where the nearest Red Lobster is....

Posted 01/21/09

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